Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Suffering Does Not Mean God Hates Us

Last night we made a trip to the store, and Max was going crazy in the store. No matter how many times I asked him to calm down and just walk, he just kept running and dancing around.

After a while of this I told him that he had lost his Pokemon cards for the next week, and if he kept it up he would lose them for another week.

As often happens when I punish Max, he quickly turns from happy to say that we don't like him because we're punishing him or he tries to blame his sister. Some how he can always find some way to try and blame her no matter what he's done.

This morning I was reading in Jefferson Bethke's book Jesus>Religion, and came to a section on suffering and how we react to God when we suffer. He talks about how none of us can know the reasons for our suffering and pain, it is not because God doesn't love and care for us.

I realized that we often act the same way as Max towards God when we suffer. Rather than seeing that God is right beside us suffering and crying with us, we yell at Him and blame Him or others for what is happening.

Most of the time there is no reason we have to suffer. But the good news is that God can and does use our pain and suffering to teach us things and to bring us closer to Him.

The amazing thing about God, is that we can also scream at Him and ask Him why, and, while we may not get an answer in this life, He can take it.

That's one of the reasons I love the Psalms so much. In it you can see David cry out to God, yell at God, and bicker with God. But at the end of the day David would still realize that God loves him no matter what happens to him.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Honesty

Honesty without grace and love is just hateful words and bullying. It builds nothing and tears everything down.

I know starting a blog with a line like that might seem odd. But I couldn't think of a better way to start this.

I've been thinking about that for a while now. It seems that everywhere I look I hear people talk about how honest they are. They try to defend their actions and words by saying they are just being honest and the truth hurts sometimes.

But more often then not, this form of honesty gains nothing.

If I were to walk up to someone on the street and yell at them about all of the things they are doing wrong, it would achieve nothing. More likely it would only bring out hatred on their side and the whole thing would escalate to violence.

There is definitely a place and time for truth and honesty. But it must come from and with love and grace.

If a person I know, respect, and love sat me down and told me they thought I was doing something destructive, I would try my best to listen and to take their words to heart.

There is also a place for disagreements. But discussing things with out love and grace easily becomes an argument and all to often a fight.

While I was thinking about this, I realized that this should also apply to the way we talk to ourselves.

A lot of people would say that I am honest with myself and those around me about my shortcomings. But one of those shortcomings is that I tend to let the hateful voices in my head take the lead. When I point out the things that I'm not good at or not doing right, I do this out of self-hatred not self-love or self-betterment.

It's a little like bragging about how humble you are.

So, let's try to keep love and grace in our truth. Let our words be like honey not poison.

Monday, October 17, 2016

lost

I’ve been having a little bit of a crisis lately. That may sound a little melodramatic. But that’s really the only way I know how to describe it.

I can’t really even figure out what’s going on. I just know that I’m not doing good. I can’t seem to shake whatever funk I’ve been in for the last month or so.

Maybe it’s the same thing that seems to happen to most often around my birthday, which was a month ago.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m just whining. I just needed a place to put some of these thoughts down.

I feel like I’m lost.

Like I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore.

Maybe it has a little to do with Chloe now being in preschool three days a week.

Maybe it has to do with having a plan for the free time that I would have those three days a week and then hurting my heel and not really being able to do much of that.

Whatever it is, I know that I’m not doing well right now.

I have blog posts that I’ve been meaning to write and that have been brewing in my head for this whole time.

I have things that I need to get done around the house.

I have these goals that I’ve set in my head and I haven’t followed through on any of them.

I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into this hole that is my mind and don’t know if I can get out.

Friday, August 19, 2016

When I'm Gone

This post may be a little strange and not like most of my usual posts. But it's what I feel like writing today.

I've always had a very weird sense of my mortality. While most teens and young adults live like they think they'll never die, I didn't see myself living out of my 20s and I was OK with that.

I was even asked by a friend how long I wanted to live and I said 10 more years and then I was done. I didn't want to get old. I didn't want to be middle aged. I saw no real point to life after about 28.

This actually led to a minor breakdown when I actually turned 29.

Anyway, that's just some background. I love living now and have many reasons to be alive.

But last night as I was putting Chloe to bed, I was praying for her after she was asleep.

I do this every once in a while if I'm with my children after they are asleep. I put my hand on their back and pray that God would bless and keep them. That they would get a good night sleep and that they would know that I love them.

But last night seemed different to me. As I was praying I realized that this time I was praying for a future Chloe. That God would take care of her when I'm not there. But my phrasing actually sounded like I thought I was going to die soon.

Part way through I heard a voice in my head say that if I keep going the way that I am, with my weight ever expanding and general health going downhill, I probably won't make it much longer.

For the first time in my life, the thought of dying youngish broke my heart.

I don't want to die and leave my family.

I don't want to die and have my kids not have a father.

I don't want to die.

But in so many ways, I don't know how to live anymore.

I've let myself go so far that it's hard to even start in the right direction.

I don't have any answers and I'm not going to say that everything will change from this day on. I'd only be lying if I said that.

I just know that I want to live.

For my wife.

For my kids.

For me.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Let your speech always be with Grace

"Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." Colossians 4:5-6 NASB

These words hit me pretty hard in church last night.

We live in a day and age where people think it's ok to say whatever comes to their mind as soon as they think it. We don't think about how the words we say may effect those around us. And, more and more often, we think it's their fault if they are offended or put off by the words we say.

I'm not saying that there isn't a time and a place for a strong rebuke or for friends to call out friends or to tell it like it is.

But when you care more about saying what you think than you care about the people you are talking to, it leads to angry words and closed doors.

I love how the New American Standard Bible translates the verses above. It specifically talks about how we talk to outsiders. That would be the people that are around us that may not agree with us.

It doesn't tell us to shove our beliefs down their throats.

It doesn't tell us make them believe as we do.

It doesn't tell us to yell our thoughts and keep yelling so they can't get a word in.

It says to use wisdom and to make the most of each opportunity.

It says to fill your speech with grace and seasoned with salt.

The interesting thing about salt and it being used here, is that it is a preservative. That means we are to use our words to preserve those around us. To build up and fortify relationships with those placed in our lives. Even the ones we don't agree with.

As I was thinking about this last night in church, I realized that just before this passage, Paul gives us the way to help us make this true in our lives.

"Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; praying at the same time for us as well, that God will open up to us a door for the word, so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I have also been imprisoned; that I may make it clear in the way I ought to speak." Colossians 4:2-5

Paul calls us to devote ourselves to prayer. It is through praying that we will learn to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Then we will be able to make the most out of any and every situation we find ourselves in. Keep in mind this was written by a man who was in jail for preaching the Gospel. He doesn't ask for prayers to be set free. Just that God would be able to use him right where he is.

I pray that God will help me to keep my speech full of grace and to let me use the wisdom He gives me to build up those around me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Confessions

I've been feeling like writing this post for a while now. Which by no means will make it easy to write or easy to hit the publish button.

The issues recently involving race have brought up some memories for me, and I feel one of the best ways to overcome some of our issues is to openly talk about our issues.

So, here goes...

When I was growing up I remember thinking that black people were cool.

I listened to rap music.

My favorite basketball player was Michael Jordan.

My favorite actor was Will Smith.

My favorite baseball player was Frank Thomas.

The last thing I thought I would be was racist.

I even had a friend in one of the places we lived that was from Jamaica.

It wasn't until I went to college at MNU that I was really confronted with race issues.

While we were singing during one of our first choir practices, I felt an arm go around my shoulders. I turned and there next to me was a big black man with his arm around me singing.

I'd like to say that I wasn't scared. But I was.

I'd like to say that I would have felt the same if it was a white guy. But I can't.

I later came to be friends with the guy and he was one of the ones that helped me get over some of the feelings that I didn't even know I had.

Later that year, I remember going back to my room and seeing three black guys hanging around my door.

Once again, I'd like to say that I wasn't scared. But I was.

I'd like to say that I would have felt the same if it were white guys. But I can't.

It turns out they were just a bunch of guys talking with one of my roommates. That year was just after Napster came out and my roommate and I would download music and burn it onto CD's with my computer. It was a nice way to make a couple bucks.

These guys would end up coming around every once in a while to say hi or ask for another playlist that they wanted burned.

I can't explain why these memories stand out so much to me. But maybe it's because it pointed out to me, that even if I thought of myself as open and caring to all people, I found out I wasn't.

Then I found out that black people are really just people.

Skin color doesn't matter.

Your upbringing doesn't matter.

We are all just a bunch of crazy humans riding along on this planet together.

If more of us just got together and talked to each other as human beings, we would find out that we are the same.

I'm not saying that race and upbringing doesn't play a factor in who we are. More that it shouldn't change the way you treat someone.

We are all in this together.

We are all created and loved by a wonderful artist.

Each of us has our different parts.

But that's what makes us beautiful.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Lord...why?

I generally try to stay out of things like this, but I don’t think I can hold it in anymore.

I spent most of the night watching coverage of the shootings in Dallas, and I can’t help but feel this sense of dread and hopelessness.

What is happening in our world that we can’t go a day without hearing of some killing on the news?

It seems like our whole world is going crazy.

My heart breaks for all of the people in our world that have to go to bed tonight knowing that someone they love has been killed.

To me this has nothing to do with race. I know that race has played a big part in a lot of the killings in the news lately. But I don’t care what race you are, if your loved one was shot and killed, it’s a tragedy.

I haven’t really wanted to say anything on this, because I’m a white middle class man. Which in this country, means I’m pretty safe.

No one is threatening my life on a daily basis.

I don’t have to think about things the same way as african-americans do.

I don’t have to tell my son to be extra careful in public or he might get shot.

But I don’t know what to tell my kids anymore.

Of course we try to keep as much of what's been going on from them.

But how can I continue to tell them the world is a great place when people are getting killed everyday for pointless reasons?

How do I explain that black people are being killed by the people I’ve told them they are to trust?

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

No matter race or creed or religion, my brother’s blood is calling out to me from across the world.

I’ve thought to pray about it, but all I can get out is, “Lord… why?”

I don’t have any answers.

Tonight I’m in a hotel room and my kids are sleeping with my in laws. I’m awake in the middle of the night because I can’t stop thinking of all of this.

At the end of all of this all I want to do is hug my kids and never let go.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Church Family

So, this week my family has been on vacation and I realized something yesterday.

I missed meeting with my church family.

I don't mean that I didn't like the church that I went to, or that it was a bad service. I actually liked the service, and it's always nice to be back at Overland Park Nazarene.

But I realized that it wasn't my church family. I missed being among the people that make up Eden Community.

I don't know if I've ever really felt this kind of belonging in a church. Definitely not since I was a kid in the churches that my dad pastored in.

I also realized that from where I stand on most Sundays, I get to see a most beautiful sight. I get to see my church worship. I get to see the Lord move in our services.

It has amazed me to see the different ways people worship God. It truly is an amazingly beautiful site.

I don't think I had realized how amazing it has been to be involved in a church until I took a vacation.

I can't wait to be back with my church family.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Prayer

Yesterday in church we talked about prayer and the power of prayer and I realized that I don't pray.

Lately I've been feeling very lost and broken and realized I never really pray about it.

For most of the last seven years I've been a stay at home dad and I found my identity there. I may not have been the most active dad, but I still knew what and who I was.

This fall though, we are looking to put Chloe into preschool. So, I find myself in this strange place now. I'm still looking to stay at home, but I have to find something to do.

During this whole time though, I don't think I've prayed about it at all. I've prayed about other things and other people's problems. But never my own.

I don't know exactly why that is. Maybe I don't feel my concerns are worthwhile. Maybe I just don't know what to pray for, so I end up not praying.

I don't know what the problem is, but I do know that I need to be praying about this. I also could use your prayers. If you have read this far into this post, you probably know me. I could definitely use your prayer for direction in my life.

I'm tired of feeling lost and alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Emmanuel

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt absolutely alone. Even in a room full of people I was alone. For a long time I thought this was just going to be the way my life went. That I would always be completely alone. That there was no one who would even want to come along side me.

This has changed a little over the years. I now have a family who love me and I am rarely actually alone. But more than that I've realized that these people actually want me around.

Even with that said there are still times where I feel alone. Like no one can really understand me.

Today I was reading in Max Lucado's book The Cure for the Common Life, and he was talking about how no matter what God is with us.

It brought to mind all those times when I felt alone, but yet I truly wasn't alone. There has always been someone with me who understands me and loves me.

Lucado went on to talk about how when Jesus promised to never leave us, there weren't any limits or rules put on it.

He didn't say, "If you are good I'll be with you. If you love me, I'll be with you."

He just said that no matter where we go or what we do, He will be there with us.

If you are ever feeling alone, just remember that God is with us always. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just reach out your hand and He will be there to take it.

Monday, May 16, 2016

My Yoke

Yesterday in our service Pastor Jason was talking about how a stole is seen as a yoke put on pastors and priests. That it can symbolize the burden of God for pastors.

It reminded me of while I was growing up a few people would talk to me about what I wanted to be and several of them assumed that I would be a pastor. Both of my grandpas were pastors as well as my dad. So they thought this was just the way that I would have to go.

I do want to say that I didn't feel this from my parents. It was mainly other people who thought they knew what was right for me.

I remember one guy telling me that if I didn't I was letting my family and God down. That our family was just supposed to be pastors.

This was a heavy burden on my shoulders for a long time. I don't really know that I've ever even talked about it. But it really wore on me.

I realized yesterday that it hurt and was so hard for me, because it wasn't my yoke. It's like when David tried to put on King Saul's armor. It was too big and heavy for him, and he couldn't move.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has had this problem in life. Someone has put a yoke on your shoulders that doesn't fit. It's too heavy and too big. You can't move and you can't do the work that God has called you too.

The Bible says that God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. I don't think that means it won't be work. More that it should fit you and then you can pull against the reins and pull the burden.

God has a different yoke and burden for each of us. Trying to put on someone else's will just make it hard for you and those around you.

It's kind of funny to me now. I look at my life now and actually I do see how, while it is vastly different from being a pastor of a church, I do see myself ministering. I help to lead worship in church and I write mainly about spiritual things here on my blog.

I just had to pray and ask God to help me find the right yoke for my life.

Monday, May 9, 2016

God's not done with me yet

Yesterday was a pretty hard day for me.

I can't really explain what was happening, but for some reason everything just seemed to go wrong.

I couldn't sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't stop worrying about being able to play in church last night. So, instead of spoiling my wife on mother's day, I slept in and wasn't much use after I woke up. So, I'd like to first off apologize to her, and tell her that I love her and Happy Mother's Day. I can't even remember if I had the presence of mind to tell you that yesterday.

After I woke up, I practiced the songs for last night. I was leading worship so I had picked out the songs and yet had really struggled to get them all learned in the week.

While I was practicing, I had a hard time even making it through a song before either having to pull the kids off of each other, even though they were supposed to be cleaning in their own rooms, or one of them would come out to beg to be together.

I could feel a panic attack coming on, and just sat there for a bit trying to collect myself. My mind kept saying that I couldn't do this today. I couldn't possibly go to church and worship God let alone lead others in worship.

I went from yelling at my kids to singing God's praises. I limped through the songs and then went back to my bedroom to try and calm down.

Then I made it to church. I was late for practice, but I was there. At least physically. The rest of the worship team can testify to how I was not there at all mentally.

Somewhere in the process of practicing and the service God opened my eyes to see this church that He has brought me to. I can't tell you how much it meant to feel loved and supported by the people around me last night.

The sermon last night was on restoration. During it God pointed out to me the work of restoration this church has been in my life.

Before coming to Eden, I had all but given up on finding a church where I could really feel at home. I had basically become one of those husbands who's loving wife drags him to church every once in a while. I still believed in God. Just not really in His church.

But coming to Eden has restored my faith not only in the church, but in God. It is through this church that I've been able to see God's love in a new and vibrant way.

I believe this church lives out their faith in a truly amazing way. A way that I thought wasn't even really possible.

Eden Community shows God's love to those in it, but almost more importantly to those outside of it. I've seen this church focus on the mission of sharing God's love with the community around us in so many ways. I feel it truly is working to restore our world to it's former beauty.

But almost more than that I have felt this church work in my heart. I don't think a few years ago I ever thought I would be up on a stage leading worship. I couldn't think of standing up in front of others. I have felt God work in me to rebuild my heart and mind.

I know that I am far from perfect, in fact I would say that I am a horrible dirty sinner. But I also feel that God has used His church to bring about a change in my life. It will take a lifetime to get to where I want to be. But along the way I hope God will continue to use His church to shape and change my heart and mind to His will.

I hope this all makes sense. I had so many strange and conflicting emotions yesterday that I'm not really sure what to make of it all. But I wanted to let you all into my heart today.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Drowning in conversations

This past Sunday, in our church, we talked about hospitality. This is definitely one of my weaker points I feel.

For the most part I don't feel like this is something that I'm ever going to be good at.

But during the sermon, I felt God telling me that maybe, for me, hospitality doesn't have to mean letting people into my home. That is just not something I'm really comfortable with in my life. At least for right now.

But maybe for me it should take form in how I talk to people.I would say that I'm usually friendly, and I don't think very many people would think that I could be anything but nice and friendly with people.

But I've noticed as of late, that I really only take my conversations with people to a surface level.

I've said it before on here I'm sure, but in real like, unlike here, I'm very hesitant to share anything. I'm scared to say the wrong thing, and so I don't say anything.

Part of it has to do with never really learning how to talk in a conversation. I have an extremely hard time finding my place in a conversation. So, I just stay at the surface, or I find myself answering questions, but never asking any or really giving any more information then just a quick answer.

I feel like I spend most of my conversations with people looking for a way out.

This is something I really don't like about myself.

I feel that it's led me to a place of isolation.

The thing is, that I don't believe God has called me to a life of isolation.

Maybe the way back from this self imposed island prison, is to swim into the conversations around me. Try to find my way into greeting others and finding ways to work at staying afloat.

I'll probably find myself drowning a few times. But hopefully I can keep my head above water and try and tell people about myself before I go down.

Friday, April 8, 2016

A Chaotic Jumbled Mess Of A Week

This week has been a very strange week for me. It's even hard to explain.

On Sunday, as I was on stage helping to lead worship, I looked out at our church and I saw the beautiful site of a church worshiping God. I saw and very vividly felt the Holy Spirit move into our church this past week.

I saw God in the faces of the people around me in our church.

I felt this rush go through me that I don't know that I've ever felt before, at least not in this way.

Then we had a great sermon on what worship is.

At the end of it, we gathered around in groups and discussed some questions on worship.

I stated that the main thing I struggle with in my life, is finding quiet time to listen to God. As a father of two rambunctious kids, it is so hard for me to find time where I can be alone with God's word and try to focus on what He is trying to say to me.

I had this feeling when leaving church on Sunday that I was in for a good week. I would be trying to carve out time where I could have that quiet time with God and try to hear the words He has been trying to speak to me.

All I can say is that this week has felt very chaotic and stressful. For some reason, I've been having a really hard time sleeping, and this has lead to me not being able to find rest in my life.

I can seem to sleep at night, no matter what I try, and then I can't seem to stay awake during the day.

This has lead to me feeling like I'm losing my mind.

I'm not one who usually says that it feels like the devil is trying to get me. But that is truthfully what it's felt like this week.

I prayed for silence and I got chaos.

I prayed for a peaceful mind and I got a jumbled mess.

All of this lead me to not even take the time each day to read my Bible and try to hear what God was trying to tell me.

I can't help but feel that this is exactly what the devil would want for me this week. Like I said earlier I don't like saying that. It can feel like a cop out. But it truly has felt like that this week.

Even in the times where I've tried my hardest to focus on reading the Bible or praying, I've been so exhausted that I can't stay awake.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post.

Just feel like I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head and ask for your prayers.

I feel like God has been calling and leading me in some great ways lately, but I also feel that there is a force in me and outside of me that is fighting as hard as it can to make sure that I don't achieve the things that God has for me.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Dear Lord

I was looking through some of my old songs, trying to see if anything in there was worth anything or if they were just the writings of a teenager.

I found this one song, more a prayer, that hit me hard. It is such a prayer of a young man, but I also still feel it today.

So, having forgotten how I would have sang it before, I figured out some chords and put it together. Then I decided to record it before I forgot it again.

I hope you enjoy.

I'll put the lyrics on this page below the video as well as in the video description.




Dear Lord
Geoffrey Shafer
11-1999

Dear Lord, I need your help today
I need to find my way
Through this world

God, please fall on me
God, please let me see
What I’m supposed to be
Lord, please guide me

Dear Lord, thank you for being here
Thank you for loving me
Always

God, please fall on me
God, please let me see
What I’m supposed to be
Lord, please guide me

Dear Lord, I need you here
I need to know you are near
Today

God, please fall on me
God, please let me see
What I’m supposed to be

Lord, please guide me

Monday, March 28, 2016

He Has Never Left Us And Never Will

Yesterday we celebrated Easter. The resurrection of our Savior.

We walked through the story of the two disciples on the road to Emmaus.

In this story we find that Jesus has been with us the whole time.

Even when we thought all hope was lost. He was there with us.

When we thought it was the end of all of our plans. He was there with us.

When everything seems to be going wrong. He was there with us.

He has never left our side.

We may not have always seen Him there. But that has more to do with us not really looking for Him.

It's like playing a game with a child. You pretend not to see them, even though they are right in front of you. But the whole time you pretend to be searching them out.

If you do this with a kid, after a while, they'll be saying, "I'm right here. Can't you see me?"

God is always with us. He will never forsake us.

Looking back at the Crucifixion and burial period, I'm reminded that even in death, Jesus never really left us. They could not see Him, and were frightened. But His spirit was with them the whole time.

If we could all just have our eyes opened to see Jesus moving around in our lives, we would see that He is everywhere.

No matter where we go, He has gone before us.

No matter how many times we deny Him, He will still call us His beloved.

I pray that where ever you are and whatever situation you find yourself in today, that you would feel the closeness of Jesus today. That you might feel His loving arms embrace you and feel His hand in yours.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

For Or Against? I Can't Make Up My Mind

This past Sunday we talked about the things that led to Jesus being crucified.

One of the things that really spoke to me, was about Peter being so willing to stand up and say he would die with Jesus, but then when asked, after His arrest, Peter quickly denied ever knowing Jesus.

That's where I found myself in this story this week.

How many times have I fallen on my knees before God and promised to walk with Him for the rest of my life?

How many times have I stood in front of people and promised to live for Jesus?

Yet every single one of those situations has been quickly followed by me turning my back on God again.

When I was growing up I would do this very literally.

Growing up as a pastor's son, I found myself being pulled in two very different directions.

On Sunday I would proclaim my love for God, and pledge my life to Him.

Monday through Saturday, however, I would try as best as I could to distance myself from God.

I would tell my friends that I was only even going to church because my dad was the pastor. I didn't really even want to be there. I started swearing and listening to music that I thought would prove to my friends that I wasn't a Christian.

All of this has led me into some major problems in my life. I still have a hard time truthfully proclaiming my faith to those around me. This may seem weird since I both write a blog that is mainly about my faith and play in our churches worship team.

But for me it all goes back to denying my connections to God and trying to protect my position with those around me.

I still have really found any answers of how to break away from this double life. Maybe I won't ever break this cycle. I'm trying to grow into my faith and to embrace it fully in my life.

But I know that tomorrow I will be right back to where I always end up. The voice in my head asking me if I'm one of Jesus' followers, and I'll hear my voice denying ever knowing Him.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Searching for the light

"Why would the world need more anger, more outrage?"

I read these words this morning in Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. Her books talks about finding the gifts that God has already given and is always giving us and naming them.

But this line stuck out to me.

There is so much anger and hate and outrage over little things in our world. What if we could bring more joy into this world instead of more hatred?

Jesus said that the world would know us by our love. Yet it seems to know us only by our hate.

I know that one more person looking for God's gifts and naming them won't change all of that. But I do know that it can change me and the world around me.

For a long time I've seen the world as pretty bleak. I don't watch the news. I try not to follow too much with politics. It's not that I don't pay attention or notice when things are happening. I've just decided that for me it just doesn't make sense to allow the hatred of the world into my mind and heart more than it already is.

Maybe instead of just ignoring the hate in the world, I actively sought out the gifts in my life and tried to focus on those, I could bring a light to my little corner of the world.

I know that my dark corner sure could use some light.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Dropping the stones and walking away

Yesterday, Pastor Jason gave a powerful message about the woman caught in adultery.

I've always looked at this passage through the eyes of the woman. But Jason also challenged us to see ourselves in the Pharisees. This was hard for me at first.

I don't like to think of myself as a judgmental person. Yet I realized last night that I always have a stone in my hand ready to throw at those around me.

During the sermon we were given a stone to hold onto. I found that when I gripped it hard in my hands, that it grew hot. But when I loosened my grip and let is sit in my hand it would cool down.

I realized that the more we hold onto these judgmental stones and we're ready to throw them the hotter they get in our hands and hearts. But if we can learn to let go of those judgmental parts of us, our hands and hearts will cool down.God's laws and should be punished.

I like what Jason said that some commentators say about this story. That when Jesus bent down and wrote in the dirt, He was listing off the sins of the Pharisees.

I can see Him kneeling down beside this woman and He is writing out my hidden sins.

How can I ever condemn another sinner, when I should be there next to them getting stoned too.

I would like to say that the Pharisees dropped their stones and never picked them up again. That they left their judgments there at the feet of Jesus. But I'm sure that they, like us, have picked them back up many times.

But maybe we can all see that as we grip them tight and they start to heat up, that we are no better then the one lying on the ground in front of us.

The only one who can truly throw stones at us never even picked one up.

He simply offered us His hand and picked us up and offered us a chance at a new life.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Finding the words to speak

I've often wondered why it's so easy for me to write things that I could never say out loud in a public place.

I don't mean just the way anonymous people use their anonymity to spew hate on the internet. But more, why is it so easy for me to write things down, yet you ask me to say something in front of a bunch of people and I freeze up.

I stutter and stammer over my words.

I lose my train of thought, so easily that for me to get even a sentence out is frustratingly hard.

I'm not just even talking about talking in front of large crowds either. If it's more than about 4 people, and even then sometimes, I can't say a word.

I say this knowing full well that I will probably have to say something in front of the church this Sunday as I am leading worship again. I'm also not writing this to get out of saying anything. If anything I know that it is one of the main things I need to work on.

Two weeks ago, I lead worship for the first time. I found that during one song I was having trouble keeping up with some of the chord changes on my guitar. I couldn't figure it out, until I realized that my hand was shaking so bad that I couldn't fully get the changes in time.

Keep in mind that, for the most part, I wasn't doing anything that I don't do most Sundays. I was singing my part and playing guitar. I had great people singing and playing with me. I wasn't alone. I was just the one that was the "leader."

I had to ask the people to stand twice. Which meant I had to say two sentences in front of people. That was the only real difference from that Sunday and any other Sunday.

This has been a problem for me for a long time now. It can also show itself in a conversation with just one other person. I'm never really comfortable with talking to people.

Yet here I am able to write out page after page of things that I'm sure some people would want to talk to me about. But I can't seem to do it.

I have to force myself to just say a single word in front of anybody.

I don't really know what to do about this. Maybe taking the steps I'm taking in just saying a few things here and there in church will lead me to be a little more open.

So, if you see me sometime, feel free to talk to me. Just don't be mad if I can't seem to find the words to say.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

I'm Possible

I'm putting a video at the beginning of this post, if you have 25 minutes, I cannot recommend this video enough. Although, you should beware that it might inspire you to do things that you've always wanted to do, but were afraid of. I'll continue my post underneath the video, to tell you what it inspired me to do.



So, for a long time I've had plans of what to do with my life. They have seemed too big, too scary, for me to actually go through with them though.

If you knew me in high school and college, and I let you inside my mind, which I never really did, you would have found these big dreams.

I wanted to be a full time musician.

I wanted to be a full time writer.

Back then I just thought this stuff was going to happen to me.

Someone was going to hear me sing and the rest would be history.

I now know that just doesn't really happen.

Somewhere along the way these last few years I've let most of these dreams go.

They've been replaced with things that I love and would never give up.

I replaced them with a family, and all that being a stay at home dad entails.

But some part of my mind has always kept dreaming. Kept planning big things. Kept showing me things I could do to make these things possible.

But I kept hearing this other voice in my head saying, "You can't do that."

I would dream up a plan to record videos of me singing, both my own songs and covers. "You don't have a good enough camera."

I'll record some music without the video then. "You don't even have a mic that's worth recording with."

I even had a plan to make my way through the Psalms and try to rewrite each one into a song. "No one would ever want to hear that. How could you even think to rewrite the Psalms anyway? Let alone, do you know how long that would take?"

Meanwhile I do nothing to get myself any closer to any of the things I've dreamed up over the years.

I've got a whole box of music that I've written. Haven't touched it in years, let alone added anything to it.

All of this to say that I need to change this.

I need to start something. But I also need to stay with it. So, I don't know what to say here.

If I say I'm going to start some huge project, I'll probably only do it for like a week before I just give up and move on to the next excuse.

But yet something in Jeremy Cowart's video speaks to me and says I should put myself out there and let people who know and care about me so that they can both support me and hold me to my word.

So, here goes...

I'm going to write three blog posts a week on this blog. If you like what I write here and want to support me, you can always share it with your friends and let me know that you enjoy it.

I'm going to record at least two videos a month of me doing songs. I'll try and do one a week, but I don't know anything about what it will take to edit or record them, so I'll start off with a smaller goal and work from there. Part of this will also include me going back through my old songs and seeing if any of them are worth anything.

There.

I've said it.

I've put it out there.

Now all there is left to do is to do it.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Good Grief!

I have to say that grief is a topic I'm not really used to talking about.

I think that has to do with how the church has dealt with it, or, more often, hasn't dealt with it.

I've seen and heard some of the things that people in the church say to those going through grief. I believe that mean well. But most of the time their cliche answers just bring more pain.

One thing that I've loved seeing at Eden Community, is that we've openly dealt with grief. It has been amazing to see how our church gathers around those grieving and grieved with them.

One of the main things that I've found to be different in our church is that we've excepted that grief is an ok thing. It is not something to be ashamed of. It's not something to push down and pretend everything is alright.

It's ok to not be ok.

In the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead, we see profound grief being experienced by Jesus. This is the Jesus who know what He was about to do. He knew that He would talk to Lazarus in a few minutes.

Yet He was so grieved that the Bible can only describe it in the word "Jesus wept."

This isn't just a trickle of tears. It's not the single solitary tear.

Jesus wept.

I feel the need to say this again, it's ok to not be ok.

So, I've been trying to think of how to write a post about grief that isn't too sad but yet also deals with the topic of grief.

I wish by now that I understood that God is in control of things, and I just have to listen.

This year I've been reading Timothy Keller's devotional book that goes through the Psalms, The Songs Of Jesus. Today's devotional went through Psalm 34:17-22. It talks about God being there with us in times of trouble.

I'll close today with the prayer Keller put at the end of today's devotional.

"Lord, it is not exactly right to thank you for my sorrows, for you did not create a world filled with evil, and my grief causes you grief. And yet I do thank you for the many riches I have found in these dark mines: patience, courage, self-understanding, and most of all your love and presence. Amen"

Thursday, March 3, 2016

The Grace Of God

Today during my devotions I was reading in Deuteronomy and I saw something that I don't know that I've ever seen before.

Most of the time we like to think of the God of the Old Testament as a vengeful God. A god who passes judgement and punishes the Israelites for every little thing that they do wrong.

But today I saw that even the God of the Old Testament was a God of grace.

In Deuteronomy 29, God is telling Moses all of the things He will do to them if they don't follow God's law.

But then if you read Deuteronomy 30, you see that, even then, God had a way back for His people.

All they had to do was turn back to Him.

Which also means that no matter what they did or where they went, He would always be there with them.

Think about it this way. If I were to move away from my friends and family and turn my back on them and walk away from everything that I hold dear in my life, there would be some consequences.

My family would probably not be there right when I turned back to them. They wouldn't except me back in with no questions asked. Even if they did let me back into their lives it would take them a while, and some very hard work, for them to ever trust me again.

But that is what the Israelites were doing. That is what we do still today.

We turn our backs on God and His ways and go on our own way.

Yet when we realize that we are lost without God, and turn around, we find that He never even left us.

He is standing there with open arms just waiting for us to run back to Him.

To make things even stranger, the moment we turn around and see Him there, He runs to us.

Like the Prodigal Son's father, He takes off running towards us and wraps us in His arms.

No questions are asked.

No plan of reconciliation is needed.

No trust building exercises.

He is just there to love us and take us back.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Be A Blessing To Others

Over the weekend I found out that my downstairs neighbor can hear me play guitar as I practice everyday.

At first I was kind of embarrassed. One of the thing that I've always tried to do, is to not disturb our neighbors.

But then Jennifer told me that our neighbor loves to sit below me as I pray and use it as a daily worship time.

I've always thought of my daily practice time as a time of worship, but I had never thought that anyone else would be listening and worshiping along with me.

It turns out she isn't really able to get to church as often as she likes and so she's been listening to me practice and worshiping God.

She later told me that she doesn't always know the lyrics or the melody, so she'll just make up her own.

I tell you all this, not to brag or boast, but to show, as God pointed out to me in this situation, you never know when you might be a blessing to someone else and not know it.

I've been playing pretty much daily for a while now, and had no idea that anyone else could hear me.

But God used that time to bless someone other than me.

Now I just have to try and not think of that while I play, or if I do, not let it make me be quieter.

Maybe I should be louder so she can hear me even better.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Open My Eyes To See As You See

Yesterday, we looked at the story of the blind man that Jesus healed.

I imagine the blind man in the Gospel story was very confused by what Jesus was doing.

He is sitting at the roadside, where his family has probably lead him every day for as long as he can remember.

He hears a crowd coming closer. He probably hears them talking about him. He pretends that he doesn't hear what they are saying.

Then he hears the familiar sound of spit being hurled his way.

Now some man is wiping something on his eyes and tells him to go wash.

There is something in the man's voice that tells him to trust this man and to do what he says.

But if nothing else he figures he needs to get this mud off his eyes. I wonder how much he actually believed this would heal him, or if he thought this man was just another crazy person.

I can imagine that when he came up from the water it was a shock to him.

The lights would have been so bright. The colors so vivid.

It was probably a blinding sight. But I doubt he would've wanted to close his eyes ever again.

The thing that struck me was that at the end of the story, Jesus turns it around and points towards the Pharisees and calls them blind. Even worse though, that they are blind, but proclaim that they are the only ones who truly see.

How easy it is for us to do the same today.

We as Christians easily slip into condemning those around us for their every wrong, but never see where we are slipping up.

We also get so blinded by our judgement of others, that we fail to see those around us who are hurting and need to feel God's love and grace.

It's easier for us to say that you are a sinner and turn away from you, than for us to get down in the dirt with you and do our best to help you up.

As I was writing this, the song Hosanna by Hillsong UNITED came on.

I think I'll end here with the bridge of that song. It says my prayer better than I can. Let this be our prayer as Christians and as a church.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

Friday, February 26, 2016

Growing Up


As most of you know, I'm a stay at home dad and this little cutie is my boss.

Yesterday, we were outside and she was playing on the park by our house.

I was sitting down watching her from my bench.

She starting trying to do things that I didn't think she would be able to do. But she got right up there and did them.

I realized that I don't think of her as a four year old kid.

I think of her as my little baby girl.

Now, as a youngest child myself, I know very well that your parents will never stop seeing you as their little baby.

But at the same time, I kept hearing this voice in my head telling me to tell her to stop what she was doing, because there is no way a little baby girl should be able to climb up like that.

I had to just sit there and be quiet and watch her. I told her to be careful. But I didn't get up to hold her hand or make sure she was stable.

What I saw was a beautiful, smart, and cautiously brace little kid.

She bravely climbed as much as she could.

She took chances, but was never out of control.

She took her time and figured out how to get to the next step.

I was amazed at how grown up she has gotten, even if she didn't ask my permission to grow up.

I just need to learn to let go a little more and to let her grow up as the smart and beautiful girl she is becoming.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Forgiven much = Love much

Yesterday, during my devotions, I read the story of the woman who cried on Jesus' feet and washed them with her hair and perfume, and something hit home for me.

I realized how easy it is for us to become like the religious leader that had invited Jesus into his house.

He wanted Jesus there only to make himself look better.

For him it had nothing to do with sitting at the feet of Jesus and learning from him.

He just wanted to raise his own importance and he knew that people were watching and following this man named Jesus.

So, Jesus came into his house and he didn't do any of the many things that were the normal custom of the day. He didn't wash Jesus' feet or it seems to me that he didn't even greet Him.

Some of these things seem strange to us because they aren't our customs.

But think about being invited over to some one's house, and when you enter that person is just off talking to the other people in the house. They don't come over and welcome you into their home, or offer to take your jacket or show you around.

I know that I probably wouldn't want to stay very long.

Then, this woman, who everyone in the town knows is a prostitute and whore walks in and starts touching Jesus. This is another custom that just wasn't done. Women did not touch men unless they were married.

Then she washes His feet with her with her tears and dries them with her hair. If I'm remembering right, one of the signs of her status as a sinner was to have her hair down in public. So, as she's washing Jesus' feet with her hair, she is going against all kinds of customs.

I feel like at this point the rest of the guests were probably all whispering about what was happening. Maybe they were even blaming the host. Maybe that's why he starts judging Jesus for allowing this woman to touch Him. Maybe he starts to see people gathering their things and heading for the door.

So, he starts telling people that he doesn't even think that Jesus can be a prophet if He could let a woman like this anywhere near Him.

He tries to take Jesus down and distance himself from Jesus, so that his standing among his guests isn't hurt.

One of the things that I love about the way Jesus rebukes him, is that Jesus doesn't yell. He just tells a simple parable to point out where this man has gone wrong in his judging of this woman's actions.

As one who has been forgiven much, I too often forget how big of a debt has been forgiven me.

It is at those times that I find myself sinning and falling into even deeper debt to my God.

Thank God for His endless grace and patience with us sinners.

May we learn to appreciate the debt that has been forgiven us.

Monday, February 22, 2016

He knows my every thought, and loves me still

Yesterday, we heard a sermon from Pastor Sheri about the Samaritan woman that Jesus met at the well. It was a beautiful sermon about Jesus meeting us in our desperation.

This morning I started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, and something he wrote really brought home something from the sermon yesterday.

Manning was talking about who Jesus came to save. He says, "He comes for corporate executives, street people, superstars, farmers, hookers, addicts, IRS agents, and even used-car salesmen."

It reminded me how Sheri pointed out that while Jesus was talking with the woman at the well, He told her everything that she had done in her life.

I think this is the truly amazing thing about Jesus. He sees who we are. He knows all of our darkest secrets. Yet He still loves us.

He doesn't turn away from us because of anything that we do.

He is always there.

He knows just who we are and what we have done.

Yet He loves us.

That truly is amazing grace.

I've had many times of desperation in my life, where I didn't see how anyone could ever love me.

The things that I had done.

The things I had thought.

The places I'd been.

No one could ever love me.

But when I look back now, I see that standing there the whole time, was Jesus.

Calling softly to me to let me know that He loves me and that He always has and always will.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Born Again

On Sunday, Pastor Jason talked about what it means to be born again.

This can be a very hard topic for some people, because just like Nicodemus, when Jesus told him that he must be born again, we don't fully understand what that really means.

How can we reenter our mother's womb after we're fully grown?

This doesn't seem like something our mothers would be willing to do.

Also, like Jason said, there has been a bad connotation that has been connected to the phrase "born again"

It can sometimes mean hateful and judgmental to those around us.

So, what do we do with the term?

Do we stop using it because some people don't understand it?

Do we try and reclaim it, and do our best to show the world that it truly means for us to be born of the Holy Spirit?

That it means we are in a sense new people with new priorities and new motives.

I believe we need to reclaim it and try our best to let the Holy Spirit show itself through our lives, that others may see Him through us, and know beyond a doubt that we are new creations.

I also had a thought during church that I don't think I'd ever thought of before.

Jesus calls us to be born again and also to live with childlike faith.

I realized that if you are to be truly born again, you will be a child again. But this time in your faith.

You won't be perfect. Most things don't change overnight.

You will slip and fall. You will miss the mark.

But luckily for us, we have a Heavenly Father that is always there to pick us up, brush us off, and help us get back on the path.

Maybe that's why Jesus uses the term born again.

He wanted to show us that we will be newborns in our faith, but that He will always be there with us.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

New blog location

So, I've decided to move my blog back over to Blogger. So, this will be the new place to get my new updates.

Over the next few days, I'll be moving all my older posts over here.

Plus I've joined all of my old personal blogs into this one place.

So, you can go back a few years and see my growth as a writer.

Thank you for your support.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Dark Times With The Holy Spirit

Just a word of warning before I start this post. It might get a little dark and I may have told at least some of this story at some point in time. But I feel like I should share it again.

I just finished reading Francis Chan’s book Forgotten God. It’s a great book about the Holy Spirit.

While reading it I started remembering a certain time in my life and how, I now believe, the Holy Spirit gave me a vision that has helped keep me going all these years since then. I’ve also felt compelled to share this story here and now.

Most of you have probably heard me talk about my struggle with depression. Some might even say that I talk about it too much. But it has been one of the biggest defining this of my life so far, and I believe that God has called me to share what I’ve been through that it might help someone else.

The story I want to tell today starts on September 14th, 1999. I was in my freshman year at South Dakota State University. Most people don’t even know that I went there for a little while before going to MidAmerica Nazarene University.

I chose to go there for some not really good reasons.

I just wanted to get away from home and had heard that SDSU was a pretty good party school. I wanted to go there and be the stereotypical college kid in movies. I thought it would be parties and drinking and anything else I could get my hands onto.

But I got there and quickly found out that things aren’t always like the movies.

I was completely out of place.

Had no friends.

I found myself drowning in people and wanting to let myself drown.

I was already pretty low before going to SDSU, so I don’t want you to think that was the reason for my downward spiral. It just pushed me down even further.

For the first time I felt completely alone and helpless.

I didn’t want to go on anymore nor did I think that I could.

I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about any of this either. Which I can see now was probably mostly due to the depression isolating me more than nobody being there.

So, as I was laying in bed on Sept. 14th, I was listening to music loudly on my headphones, which was the only way I could get the voices in my head to be quiet long enough for me to go to sleep.

I looked up at the clock as it turned to midnight.

It was now the 15th.

My 19th birthday.

I didn’t feel like living anymore.

As I lay there crying in my bed as quietly as I could, so as not to disturb my roommate, whom I had only know for a couple weeks, two images flashed before my eyes.

Two images of me laying on the floor of my dorm room dead.

Not to get too graphic, but in one I had slit my wrists and the other my throat.

I lay there for a while just absorbing those images and still crying.

This next part is going to sound pretty corny, but it is truly the way it happened.

I had put the Bon Jovi CD Crossroad into my discman to listen to while trying to sleep.

While I was absorbing these images the song “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night” came on.

It’s a song about being down but not out. That you may be in a bad place now, but someday you will be something bigger than what you are. I let you search for it if you want.

But as this song was playing it was like I heard a voice say, “I’m not done with you yet. Don’t give up. I’m here and I love you.”

I can’t say that my life completely changed in that moment. But I can tell you that those images have stuck with me over the last 16 years, and the voice that spoke to me that night has been with me the whole time.

The 3 months or so that I was at SDSU were some of the darkest of my life. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I still feel down at times, and it’s hard to keep going some days.

But I know that God isn’t finished with me yet, and that He loves me and will never leave me.

And because of that, I keep going and try to spread my story to help other people know that they aren’t alone.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Bible


A few weeks ago our Pastor Jason played this video for us as we started a series looking deeper at the Bible.
My first thought when the video started was that it looked remarkably like what you see in our country on Black Friday. These people obviously longed to have whatever was in those suitcases.
Then I realized that they were diving into this pile for Bibles in their language.
It made me realize just how much we as Western Christians take for granted having Bibles around. In fact I have a whole shelf of Bibles that I’ve collected over the years. But I can’t tell you the last time I actually opened one of them.
Part of this has to do with now having the Bible App on my phone and so I have the Bible with me every where I go.
But still, I’ve got a shelf full of Bibles that are just collecting dust, and there are people who would die to have just one in their language to read.
It also brought to mind a story for a few years back when I worked at Borders in Kansas.
A young man and woman walked up to me and asked politely if we had the Koran.
So I took them over to the religion section and showed him where the few that we kept in stock were.
I was amazed at what he did next.
He pulled one off the shelf and quietly said a prayer and kiss the cover of the Koran.
I stood there shocked for a moment, then after making sure he didn’t need more help I went back to whatever I was doing.
But I kept going over what I had just seen in my mind.
This man said a prayer and kiss the Koran before even opening it.
I don’t know that I’ve ever shown that kind of reverence towards the Bible.
It hurt me to think of this, because when I see how much others care about the Bible or the Koran, it just brings to light how little respect I show to the gift that God has given me.
Like most times I don’t really have any answers or ways to make this better.
But maybe now instead of just pulling the Bible up on my phone, I’ll actually take one off the shelf. Dust it off. Say a prayer that God would speak to me through His words. Open it up and read it.