When I'm Gone

This post may be a little strange and not like most of my usual posts. But it's what I feel like writing today.

I've always had a very weird sense of my mortality. While most teens and young adults live like they think they'll never die, I didn't see myself living out of my 20s and I was OK with that.

I was even asked by a friend how long I wanted to live and I said 10 more years and then I was done. I didn't want to get old. I didn't want to be middle aged. I saw no real point to life after about 28.

This actually led to a minor breakdown when I actually turned 29.

Anyway, that's just some background. I love living now and have many reasons to be alive.

But last night as I was putting Chloe to bed, I was praying for her after she was asleep.

I do this every once in a while if I'm with my children after they are asleep. I put my hand on their back and pray that God would bless and keep them. That they would get a good night sleep and that they would know that I love them.

But last night seemed different to me. As I was praying I realized that this time I was praying for a future Chloe. That God would take care of her when I'm not there. But my phrasing actually sounded like I thought I was going to die soon.

Part way through I heard a voice in my head say that if I keep going the way that I am, with my weight ever expanding and general health going downhill, I probably won't make it much longer.

For the first time in my life, the thought of dying youngish broke my heart.

I don't want to die and leave my family.

I don't want to die and have my kids not have a father.

I don't want to die.

But in so many ways, I don't know how to live anymore.

I've let myself go so far that it's hard to even start in the right direction.

I don't have any answers and I'm not going to say that everything will change from this day on. I'd only be lying if I said that.

I just know that I want to live.

For my wife.

For my kids.

For me.