Drowning in conversations

This past Sunday, in our church, we talked about hospitality. This is definitely one of my weaker points I feel.

For the most part I don't feel like this is something that I'm ever going to be good at.

But during the sermon, I felt God telling me that maybe, for me, hospitality doesn't have to mean letting people into my home. That is just not something I'm really comfortable with in my life. At least for right now.

But maybe for me it should take form in how I talk to people.I would say that I'm usually friendly, and I don't think very many people would think that I could be anything but nice and friendly with people.

But I've noticed as of late, that I really only take my conversations with people to a surface level.

I've said it before on here I'm sure, but in real like, unlike here, I'm very hesitant to share anything. I'm scared to say the wrong thing, and so I don't say anything.

Part of it has to do with never really learning how to talk in a conversation. I have an extremely hard time finding my place in a conversation. So, I just stay at the surface, or I find myself answering questions, but never asking any or really giving any more information then just a quick answer.

I feel like I spend most of my conversations with people looking for a way out.

This is something I really don't like about myself.

I feel that it's led me to a place of isolation.

The thing is, that I don't believe God has called me to a life of isolation.

Maybe the way back from this self imposed island prison, is to swim into the conversations around me. Try to find my way into greeting others and finding ways to work at staying afloat.

I'll probably find myself drowning a few times. But hopefully I can keep my head above water and try and tell people about myself before I go down.

A Chaotic Jumbled Mess Of A Week

This week has been a very strange week for me. It's even hard to explain.

On Sunday, as I was on stage helping to lead worship, I looked out at our church and I saw the beautiful site of a church worshiping God. I saw and very vividly felt the Holy Spirit move into our church this past week.

I saw God in the faces of the people around me in our church.

I felt this rush go through me that I don't know that I've ever felt before, at least not in this way.

Then we had a great sermon on what worship is.

At the end of it, we gathered around in groups and discussed some questions on worship.

I stated that the main thing I struggle with in my life, is finding quiet time to listen to God. As a father of two rambunctious kids, it is so hard for me to find time where I can be alone with God's word and try to focus on what He is trying to say to me.

I had this feeling when leaving church on Sunday that I was in for a good week. I would be trying to carve out time where I could have that quiet time with God and try to hear the words He has been trying to speak to me.

All I can say is that this week has felt very chaotic and stressful. For some reason, I've been having a really hard time sleeping, and this has lead to me not being able to find rest in my life.

I can seem to sleep at night, no matter what I try, and then I can't seem to stay awake during the day.

This has lead to me feeling like I'm losing my mind.

I'm not one who usually says that it feels like the devil is trying to get me. But that is truthfully what it's felt like this week.

I prayed for silence and I got chaos.

I prayed for a peaceful mind and I got a jumbled mess.

All of this lead me to not even take the time each day to read my Bible and try to hear what God was trying to tell me.

I can't help but feel that this is exactly what the devil would want for me this week. Like I said earlier I don't like saying that. It can feel like a cop out. But it truly has felt like that this week.

Even in the times where I've tried my hardest to focus on reading the Bible or praying, I've been so exhausted that I can't stay awake.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post.

Just feel like I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head and ask for your prayers.

I feel like God has been calling and leading me in some great ways lately, but I also feel that there is a force in me and outside of me that is fighting as hard as it can to make sure that I don't achieve the things that God has for me.