It's been over a month since I've last posted anything. I'm sorry about the delay. Things have been a little crazy around here. For the most part things are OK, or getting there, but it still feels like a lot of this is up in the air. Oh, well. Through all of this I have found a new closeness to God and new levels of trust in Him. Through some of the darkest times in these past few months, I've felt the reassuring hand of God working in my life. And through it all, I've known that things were going to turn out fine. But that's not really what I wanted to talk about here. So, I'll move on...

As most of you probably know, tomorrow is my 27th birthday. Most of you are probably saying that this shouldn't bother me. I'm still young. But it does bother me. It's been eating at me most of this week. I'm not sure why, but I feel a whole lot older the 27, but at the same time can't believe that I'm 27. I know it's not a milestone year like 30 or 20 or 25, but for some reason it has really affected me. I find myself dreading tomorrow. I know that it won't change anything, but it feels like it will. I've already gone through my quarter life crisis at 25. I've already thrown my life in the air to see where it lands by quitting jobs and ended up right back where I started. As I said at the beginning of this blog, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. But for some reason. This one day really bothers me.

I think part of it has to do with being closer to the age where I need to know what's happening in my life. At least this is how I feel. It seems that most people my age seem to have most things figured out. You've settled into a career. You're starting your family. For the most part you know where you're life is going. I don't have anything figured out. I don't have a career. Kids seem so distant to me right now. Life seems so up in the air for me. Jennifer has a career. Our friends are having kids like crazy. It feels like time has slipped away from me and I don't know what happened. My whole life I've had these huge dreams of what I was going to do with my life. Very rarely have they involved a steady and normal career. And until I met Jennifer they didn't usually involve kids and a family. 

I think part of it is the conflicting voices in my head. One says I should give up my dreams and just settle for what I have now. One says not to give up the dreams. Not to forget the things I have now, but to look instead to the dreams that God has given me. The talents that I have. The ideas being planted in my head.

I think the thing that's getting me the most about this birthday is that it's bringing both voices out louder. And with all this screaming in my head it seems hard to concentrate on anything else.

Well, anyway... If you read all of that, I thank you. I don't know if any of it made sense. It's really early or late or however you want to look at it, and sleep has been hard with the voices and all.

As I end this post, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I didn't write these things up here to cause you to worry. I just needed a place to get these things out. Hopefully tomorrow will come and go soon. Maybe my mind will calm down a little after that.

Thanks...

~gs/the walking zombie/the 27 year old who knows nothing but that God is good

The Confessions of Public Fat Guy #1

Welcome. If you are reading this by accident or because I told you about it or someone else told you about it, welcome. This will be a place for me to come and talk about my life and times as a fat guy. I will try and update it everyday, but I won't promise anything. I will give updates on what I'm doing in my mission to not be fat guy anymore. I have come to hate being fat and as most people who are fat  I'm tired of it. But this time I'm going to do something about it. I want this to be a place where I can write freely about being fat and also a place that for one reason or another, can help to keep me accountable. I will be telling of the things that I do to exercise and I will also be just talking about my life in general. But I will mainly focus on the facts of being a fat guy. 

So, to start off with. I'm about 100 pounds over the weight that everything seems to think I should be at. This morning I weighed in at a whopping 309 LBS. This is down about 6 pounds from my heaviest weight. But I'm starting to gain back the little bit that I've lost. In the past several months I've fluctuated between 300 and 315. So, I've had my ups and downs. 

I am turning 27 this coming Saturday and maybe that's what's bringing this new sense of dread and action about my weight. I feel a whole lot older than my 27 years, and I think this has a lot to do with my extra weight. I have extremely bad knees and while I do know that I've done a lot of damage to them in my life on my own, I also know that my weight just adds that extra kick to my knees when they aren't having a good day. I hear this voice in my head saying that if I don't do this now, I'll never do it at all. I don't want to spend my whole life like this. I want to get back out and enjoy life like I used to. But I can't seem to because I have to energy or strength to do anything.

So, that's a little about why I'm doing all this. Now, I'll tell you a little more about what I'm going to be doing. At least 6 days a week I'm going to be going for a walk. I started this last Saturday by walking for 15 minutes than walking back. Then today when I got home from work, I went and did the same walk again. I figured out today that it's about 1.5-2 miles total. So, I'm keeping up a pretty good pace during these walks. Keep in mind that I'm 100 pounds overweight and extremely out of shape so these walks aren't at anyone else's idea of a good pace. But they do take a lot out of me. Close to the end of my walk today I felt some severe pain in my chest. I slowed down and it went away. But it was just another sign that I really need this more than I know. Keep in mind it's close to 90 degrees out today and the sun was blazing away in the completely clear and beautiful blue sky. 

I will also be trying to add some other things into my workouts, but not just yet. I will also be making my walks longer as we go along. I might go up to 20 minutes out and then back next week. We'll see how it goes.

Well, that's it for today. Here's to no longer being the fat guy.

~pfg#1