Thankgiving

I figured I'd go with the them of the day and talk about what I'm thankful for. First off, I'm thankful for God, who gave me life and keeps loving and saving me daily. For my family, without whom I don't want to even think of where I'd be. For my wife, whose love fills me up daily so that I can keep going. For my son, Maximilian Stephen, whom I've never seen, but I love more than life itself. For my dog, whose warmth and kisses bring great joy to me. For angels, both of this world and of Heaven, that speak words in my ears to help fight the demons in my life. And most of all for you, dear reader, without you there would be no point to write all this down. Thank you all. may God bless you and give you plenty to be thankful for in you lives.

Christian Image

Now, I'm today I'm going to try and write about what I really was thinking about writing yesterday. this was brought to my mind by the Phelps family being in the area to protest several different things. I won't go into what they were here protesting, but more just about the way they protest and the image they project of Christians. It's strange, I have so much to say, but find it hard to say it for fear of offending anyone who might agree with them. But oh well. Here goes... For those of you that don't know the Phelps family. It's Fred Phelps and his church in Kansas. Which is made up of almost entirely his family. They travel the country protesting anything and everything they can think of. They are most known for protesting anything to do with homosexuality with signs professing God Hates Fags. Now, while I can see where they are coming from, the way they do this is so wrong. Tell me what is Christian about screaming hatred at other human beings. If I am to believe my Bible, God created all men and loves all men. I read just today of Jesus sitting down to eat with tax collectors and prostitutes and other sinners. But a section of todays Christians believe it is right to stand back and condemn. I believe the Bible also says not to judge other. i know there might be some hypocrisy in me saying this, seeing as I'm judging other for judging other. but it just goes against everything I believe God stands for. The God I love stands for loving those around you and especially those you may not agree with. The other things that bothers me about it all, is that they hurt the image of all Christians. Making it harder to spread this Gospel that all Christian are called to spread. When all people know of Christians is our hate. How will they ever know our love or the love of our god?

Shame

[Editor's note: I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Lack of sleep and topics has led to not much writing.] I'm ashamed to say this, but I've always been very hesitant to let others around me know that I'm a Christian. I don't know why. Maybe because most of my friends haven't been Christians and I don't know how they would think of me if they knew I was. As far back as I can remember I've essentially been living two very different lives. one in church and one outside. This split personality has led to some very strange problems. I think it has led, partially at least, to some of my mental problems. Even to this day, I fear what people might think of me if they see me reading a Bible or some other Christian book. Or, if they knew that most of the time my iPod contains strictly Christian music. As far as I know, none of the people I work closely with go to church at all. maybe this whole thing has something to do with why I find it hard to get to church myself. maybe it's the fact that I'm about to have a kid. Maybe it's because I finally found a church here that I feel at home in. I don't know. but this has really been on my mind lately. I've has a strong desire to read the Bible more and have a lot of time on the bus and at work. But I always feel like I'm having to sneak the Bible to work, or grab one while while no one's watching and go to a corner to read. I know this all sounds stupid. But it's the truth. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to hide the fact of who I am. I can't deny my God anymore. It's tearing me apart. I just wish the voices would leave me alone. I just wish the self doubt would leave me.

Being A Dad 2

It's strange. It seems for all the care that has been put into helping women through pregnancy, there is very little help for men. I do understand that it is harder on women. But Still. We're only a little ways in and I'm already going crazy. While my body may not be changing and I don't have another life growing in me. There are so many things changing that it's hard to keep up with. I've been having these weird dreams that I can only figure out that my mind is rejecting the whole thing and sending me off to other places and times. Like the last 8 years didn't even happen.The dreams are also weird because I very rarely remember my dreams. But I've had several vivid continuing dreams over the last couple months. Plus there is the mental pain that is caused by seeing my wife go through all of these changes and knowing that there is nothing I can do to ease any of her suffering. No matter how I try to help her feel better or at least a little more relaxed, it never really helps. one of the hardest things for me right now is being gone at work most nights. I have to leave her at home to go through anything on her own. I know that she is usually asleep about the time I'm leaving and gets up not long before I get home. But, I just feel that I should be there to help her. Even though she swears she doesn't need or always want me there. I have found a few books and websites for fathers. But none of it really seems to help. Plus, I know that most of my problems are in my head and caused my me. But none of this helps. All I can do is try my hardest to take care of my beautiful wife and our beautiful child.

Writing

I don't really know what to write today. Maybe I'll just start with why I feel I should write at all. Most people know that writing is something that I feel drawn to do. Like it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm not going to say I think that I'm some amazingly gifted writer. I'll leave the critiquing to the critics. But it is something I feel I do well. I know that I can communicate things so much easier through the written word than the spoken. Maybe not if you try to read my hand writing. But I'm rarely ever able to get my point across clearly if I'm speaking. But give me a pen and paper and I'll go off for hours and for the most part I think I get my point across fairly well. I do wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there that really wants to hear what I have to say. But, for the most part, that's not even why I write. It would be nice if someone read it, but I write to get something out of me. maybe it's cause I'm so quiet i the real world, so I have to get all that thoughts that I store up out of me some how. Mostly it just like the way the pen feels as it scratches across the paper. I don't think I can accurately describe it. It just relieves something inside me that builds up over time. Than I unleash it in a mess of letters and words that most people could probably never read. It brings me great joy to write these little blurbs. I can't promise that you'll like or understand everything you read. And if out are reading, thank you. I would love to hear what you have to say about these pieces. Even though I don't write just for others opinions, I'm still open to hear them.

New blog

I know. It's been a while since I've updated. Well, that might be changing. But for now I probably won't be putting much on here. I have started up a new blog though. I've started writing a little piece on the bus ride home everyday, and thought I'd put it up for others to read and respond to. But I wanted to give it it's own place. So, for now check out my new blog: The 62 Rambles On...

Explanation

Well, I know that it seems strange for me to start a new blog, since I don't update my other one, but I plan on updating this one all the time and I felt it needed a different place to live than my other one. So, here we are. As most of you know, I ride this bus to and from work. Well, last week, I decided to take some of the time that I'm just sitting there reading and try to write something. So, the 62 Rambles On.. was born. These are all written on the 62 bus line. I will try and do 4 updates a week, and I'll try and post them on the same day they are written. But I might end up posting the weeks worth on Friday or Saturday, depending on how much sleep I need. I'll be writing on anything and everything. If you have something you would like me to write about, let me know. I might run out of things on my own, so I would appreciate the help. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.

Birds

This is a strange one for me after writing on politics for two days, but today's is going to be a little different. I was standing at the bus stop this morning watching a group of birds flying around. I was struck by just how beautiful the were. The way that with little effort they were moving so gracefully through the air. The landed next me a few times and they were so small. I think they were thrushes, but I can't be sure. More like I don't know. But anyhow. they were so beautiful. I am always amazed at the creation that abounds on this planet. To know that after so long on this planet, I can still be moved by something as simple as a couple of birds. yesterday I said something about how I'm not much for looking at the good things in life. Things are always half-empty. But these birds were so beautiful. It also got me thinking of the bible verse about the birds and how regally they are clothed and how God takes care of their every need. So, he will take care of us even more. That's very reassuring for me right now. The funny thing is, it seemed like they had a little too much sugar this morning. They were flying around so fast and frantically. I guess it realy does pay to stop every once in a while and appreciate the small things in life. this place is so beautiful if we would only take the time to look at it.

Politics 2

I have to say, for someone who was so done with politics just yesterday, I'm as surprised as you to be writing another political piece. But here it is. I was surprised to find that when I woke up yesterday afternoon, that I actually turned on to CNN to see what was happening. I tuned in just before the first poles closed and sat glued to the coverage all the way through the acceptance speech. I think part of it was just wanting to see history. I know, just yesterday I said I would try to keep my feeling out of this, but I can't anymore. I'm not even sure I did yesterday. but oh well. I started out hoping that Obama might have a chance. And then found myself near tears during his speech. That's what got a hold of me again yesterday. Hope. Hope that something might change. Hope that my child will grow up in a world that is not so divided, both racially and politically. HOPE! As most of you know, I don't always see hope or goodness in many things. And for it to come from a politician amazes even me. But listening to Obama's speech last night moved me. And I know, you'll say, "Well, he's just a good speaker." But that isn't the whole thing. Yes, he is an amazing speaker. But as I've watched his campaign, from the beginning I saw something different. something good. Something positive. That's the reason I was so moved yesterday to see the President Elect Barack Obama speak. That's not to say I agree with him on everything. Or that McCain would have been a horrible choice. I, like many people I know, used to admire McCain. I used to think very highly of him. But he lost a lot of respect in my book with the way he ran his campaign. Well, I think I should end here before I dig myself a hole. I'll leave you with this: Hope is a beautiful thing. It can bring light even into the darkest reaches of the hardened heart.

Politics

As today is election day, I thought I'd try and write a little about politics. I will try to keep my personal views on who's better out of this, but I can't promise anything. Mainly I want to talk about some things that I don't like about politics or the way it's being done. First off, I am so glad that this whole thing will be over in a matter of hours. I am tired of all the ads. Especially all the attack ads. I'll tell you this, if it wasn't so easy to vote here in Oregon, I probably wouldn't have. But since I voted in the comfort of my bed and was able to just drop off the ballot, I figured I might as well. But by this point I am just totally done with it all. The ads running for out senate race have been some of the nastiest I've ever seen. And to top it off they will run 3 or 4 in a row all for the same person. I've started changing the channel during commercials because I can't stand them anymore. Why is it that we want any of these nasty people in charge of our government at all. I think that's the real problem I have with politics. It seems to bring out the worst in people and the worst people. It always seems like we're picking the lesser of two evils as opposed to the best and the brightest. I, for one, am tired of the whole thing. The problem is, that all tomorrow brings is the start of the next campaign season. This one lasted 2 years. The next will probably be longer and even more painful. Anyway, I'll try and move on to another part of this whole thing that bothers me. We, as evangelicals, are told to always vote pro-life. But thats not enough for me. When we focus in so much on one particular topic or issue we tend to lose sight of the bigger picture. To me, we need to care for every human life. From conception to death. Be that the unborn, the elderly, the orphan, the widow, the soldier, the homosexual, the so called "enemy," the Iraqi, every single human life is valued by god, and so should be valued by His children. In an article by Cameron Strang, the editor of Relevant Magazine, he called it Whole-Life.That is a beautiful term. I heard a young christian say that he supported McCain. He said that while being pro-life wasn't enough to qualify you to be president, being pro-coice was enough to disqualify you. [This was in a video by PBS. It's towards the end of the video.] I have no problem with him supporting McCain. But if that is the only reason he is supporting him, while he agrees more with Obama, that just seems a little short sighted. All that to say, get out and vote. But make sure you are truly thinking about your vote and what it means.