Well, I didn't ride the bike today. But I did get a good 2 mile walk in this morning. I had to run an errand this morning and missed the bus and figured I could walk home faster than waiting for the next bus. So, I walked instead of biking. Good news is that I got some exercise. Bad news is that my knees will be killing me for the next few days. Oh well. It's back on the bike for me tomorrow.

Reboot

Well, here we are more than a year later. Right about the same weight. Still wanting to lose it. And still doing nothing about it. Hopefully that will change. This morning I rode the stationary bike for 30 minutes. I tried really hard not to worry too much about how fast I was going or how far I was going. I just rode. I brought a magazine to help me forget what I was doing. It went pretty well. I'm not really too sore, but I can tell that I've done something different. My plan right now, is to do that same thing almost everyday. After a while I'm going to try lifting weights a little. But for now I'll just stick to the bike. I'd also like to find a place to swim. I used to swim all the time, but haven't swam in years. I've been wanting to get back in the pool for a while now. It's just finding a place that I can do that. Don't really want to, and can't afford to, pay for a gym membership. But there aren't that many pools in the area with lap pools. I'll have to look into it some more. One of the things that I'm going to try and do on here is to write a little update everyday. If nothing else, if I worked out or not, what I did, and my weight. I would appreciate all the support I can get. This isn't going to be an easy process for me.

Bike: 30 Minutes, 10.86 miles, 202 calories
Weight: 307 lbs

Weight

It may seem a little strange to start a series on my demons by talking about weight. But it is an issue that has plagued me for sometime now. To the point that doctors have told me I NEED to lose weight. But what have I done about it? Nothing. My liver is having problems because of it and what do I do? Nothing. As you'll probably see this week, I'm looking at things a lot differently now that I'm about to be a father. I want to be there for my kids. I want to be able to play with them. But I know that right now, I can't do much of anything without being exhausted. I've tried different things to lose weight, but don't have the will power to stick to them for very long. Plus I think I push myself so hard that I end up failing. Over a year ago I started a blog to talk about some of these issues and my struggle to lose weight. But I only posted a couple time, and didn't tell anyone, before I gave up on that. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I want to do because I'm too tired to go through with them. For a while now I've had this strong desire to run. But between my weight and my bad knees (partially due to my weight) I can't. I can barely walk some days, let alone run. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I might try riding the stationary bike again. That's what my doctor recommended anyway. I also know I need to eat better. But when you don't have the energy or patience to cook, it's hard to eat right. I'll try and keep working on this. Who knows, I might even start my old blog back up to let people know how I'm doing. Maybe the accountability of that would keep me going. Plus maybe working out would help me sleep more.

Sleep

One of the reasons I haven't been posting as much as I'd like, is because of a general lack of sleep. Because of this I've been finding it very hard to focus on anything for more than two minutes. So, trying to write would probably come out very spastic and incoherent. Let alone I can't seem to come up with topics when I'm awake, let alone when I'm exhausted. Most of you probably know that I've never been able to sleep very well. (And while I used to be able to sleep for long long hours, as of late I can't do that at all.) I'd call it insomnia, but I've never had it confirmed by doctors. It's one of the things that's led me to work nights. I figure, I'm not sleeping anyway. Why not get paid for it. The only problem is that I still can't sleep in the days. I used to love being able to function on a couple hours of sleep. I loved writing while I was completely out of it. More stream of conscience writing than an actual thought process. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I can't stand it anymore. Lately I've been feeling more and more like a zombie. Just going through the motions of life. Not really present. Just there. One of the things that affects my sleeping the most, and has for years, is that when I'm tired is when my demons attack the hardest. The battle of voices in my head is deafening sometimes. That's why I've taken to sleeping with the TV on. Helps to drown out the noise. Which kinda brings me to what I'm going to try to do over the next few days. I'm going to try and out my demons. So, maybe I can write it all down and they'll leave me alone. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll even post them if I do write them. But that's what I'm going to try to do. I pray that God will give me the strength to bring these demons into the light so they might go away.

Thankgiving

I figured I'd go with the them of the day and talk about what I'm thankful for. First off, I'm thankful for God, who gave me life and keeps loving and saving me daily. For my family, without whom I don't want to even think of where I'd be. For my wife, whose love fills me up daily so that I can keep going. For my son, Maximilian Stephen, whom I've never seen, but I love more than life itself. For my dog, whose warmth and kisses bring great joy to me. For angels, both of this world and of Heaven, that speak words in my ears to help fight the demons in my life. And most of all for you, dear reader, without you there would be no point to write all this down. Thank you all. may God bless you and give you plenty to be thankful for in you lives.

Christian Image

Now, I'm today I'm going to try and write about what I really was thinking about writing yesterday. this was brought to my mind by the Phelps family being in the area to protest several different things. I won't go into what they were here protesting, but more just about the way they protest and the image they project of Christians. It's strange, I have so much to say, but find it hard to say it for fear of offending anyone who might agree with them. But oh well. Here goes... For those of you that don't know the Phelps family. It's Fred Phelps and his church in Kansas. Which is made up of almost entirely his family. They travel the country protesting anything and everything they can think of. They are most known for protesting anything to do with homosexuality with signs professing God Hates Fags. Now, while I can see where they are coming from, the way they do this is so wrong. Tell me what is Christian about screaming hatred at other human beings. If I am to believe my Bible, God created all men and loves all men. I read just today of Jesus sitting down to eat with tax collectors and prostitutes and other sinners. But a section of todays Christians believe it is right to stand back and condemn. I believe the Bible also says not to judge other. i know there might be some hypocrisy in me saying this, seeing as I'm judging other for judging other. but it just goes against everything I believe God stands for. The God I love stands for loving those around you and especially those you may not agree with. The other things that bothers me about it all, is that they hurt the image of all Christians. Making it harder to spread this Gospel that all Christian are called to spread. When all people know of Christians is our hate. How will they ever know our love or the love of our god?

Shame

[Editor's note: I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Lack of sleep and topics has led to not much writing.] I'm ashamed to say this, but I've always been very hesitant to let others around me know that I'm a Christian. I don't know why. Maybe because most of my friends haven't been Christians and I don't know how they would think of me if they knew I was. As far back as I can remember I've essentially been living two very different lives. one in church and one outside. This split personality has led to some very strange problems. I think it has led, partially at least, to some of my mental problems. Even to this day, I fear what people might think of me if they see me reading a Bible or some other Christian book. Or, if they knew that most of the time my iPod contains strictly Christian music. As far as I know, none of the people I work closely with go to church at all. maybe this whole thing has something to do with why I find it hard to get to church myself. maybe it's the fact that I'm about to have a kid. Maybe it's because I finally found a church here that I feel at home in. I don't know. but this has really been on my mind lately. I've has a strong desire to read the Bible more and have a lot of time on the bus and at work. But I always feel like I'm having to sneak the Bible to work, or grab one while while no one's watching and go to a corner to read. I know this all sounds stupid. But it's the truth. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to hide the fact of who I am. I can't deny my God anymore. It's tearing me apart. I just wish the voices would leave me alone. I just wish the self doubt would leave me.

Being A Dad 2

It's strange. It seems for all the care that has been put into helping women through pregnancy, there is very little help for men. I do understand that it is harder on women. But Still. We're only a little ways in and I'm already going crazy. While my body may not be changing and I don't have another life growing in me. There are so many things changing that it's hard to keep up with. I've been having these weird dreams that I can only figure out that my mind is rejecting the whole thing and sending me off to other places and times. Like the last 8 years didn't even happen.The dreams are also weird because I very rarely remember my dreams. But I've had several vivid continuing dreams over the last couple months. Plus there is the mental pain that is caused by seeing my wife go through all of these changes and knowing that there is nothing I can do to ease any of her suffering. No matter how I try to help her feel better or at least a little more relaxed, it never really helps. one of the hardest things for me right now is being gone at work most nights. I have to leave her at home to go through anything on her own. I know that she is usually asleep about the time I'm leaving and gets up not long before I get home. But, I just feel that I should be there to help her. Even though she swears she doesn't need or always want me there. I have found a few books and websites for fathers. But none of it really seems to help. Plus, I know that most of my problems are in my head and caused my me. But none of this helps. All I can do is try my hardest to take care of my beautiful wife and our beautiful child.

Writing

I don't really know what to write today. Maybe I'll just start with why I feel I should write at all. Most people know that writing is something that I feel drawn to do. Like it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm not going to say I think that I'm some amazingly gifted writer. I'll leave the critiquing to the critics. But it is something I feel I do well. I know that I can communicate things so much easier through the written word than the spoken. Maybe not if you try to read my hand writing. But I'm rarely ever able to get my point across clearly if I'm speaking. But give me a pen and paper and I'll go off for hours and for the most part I think I get my point across fairly well. I do wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there that really wants to hear what I have to say. But, for the most part, that's not even why I write. It would be nice if someone read it, but I write to get something out of me. maybe it's cause I'm so quiet i the real world, so I have to get all that thoughts that I store up out of me some how. Mostly it just like the way the pen feels as it scratches across the paper. I don't think I can accurately describe it. It just relieves something inside me that builds up over time. Than I unleash it in a mess of letters and words that most people could probably never read. It brings me great joy to write these little blurbs. I can't promise that you'll like or understand everything you read. And if out are reading, thank you. I would love to hear what you have to say about these pieces. Even though I don't write just for others opinions, I'm still open to hear them.

New blog

I know. It's been a while since I've updated. Well, that might be changing. But for now I probably won't be putting much on here. I have started up a new blog though. I've started writing a little piece on the bus ride home everyday, and thought I'd put it up for others to read and respond to. But I wanted to give it it's own place. So, for now check out my new blog: The 62 Rambles On...

Explanation

Well, I know that it seems strange for me to start a new blog, since I don't update my other one, but I plan on updating this one all the time and I felt it needed a different place to live than my other one. So, here we are. As most of you know, I ride this bus to and from work. Well, last week, I decided to take some of the time that I'm just sitting there reading and try to write something. So, the 62 Rambles On.. was born. These are all written on the 62 bus line. I will try and do 4 updates a week, and I'll try and post them on the same day they are written. But I might end up posting the weeks worth on Friday or Saturday, depending on how much sleep I need. I'll be writing on anything and everything. If you have something you would like me to write about, let me know. I might run out of things on my own, so I would appreciate the help. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.

Birds

This is a strange one for me after writing on politics for two days, but today's is going to be a little different. I was standing at the bus stop this morning watching a group of birds flying around. I was struck by just how beautiful the were. The way that with little effort they were moving so gracefully through the air. The landed next me a few times and they were so small. I think they were thrushes, but I can't be sure. More like I don't know. But anyhow. they were so beautiful. I am always amazed at the creation that abounds on this planet. To know that after so long on this planet, I can still be moved by something as simple as a couple of birds. yesterday I said something about how I'm not much for looking at the good things in life. Things are always half-empty. But these birds were so beautiful. It also got me thinking of the bible verse about the birds and how regally they are clothed and how God takes care of their every need. So, he will take care of us even more. That's very reassuring for me right now. The funny thing is, it seemed like they had a little too much sugar this morning. They were flying around so fast and frantically. I guess it realy does pay to stop every once in a while and appreciate the small things in life. this place is so beautiful if we would only take the time to look at it.

Politics 2

I have to say, for someone who was so done with politics just yesterday, I'm as surprised as you to be writing another political piece. But here it is. I was surprised to find that when I woke up yesterday afternoon, that I actually turned on to CNN to see what was happening. I tuned in just before the first poles closed and sat glued to the coverage all the way through the acceptance speech. I think part of it was just wanting to see history. I know, just yesterday I said I would try to keep my feeling out of this, but I can't anymore. I'm not even sure I did yesterday. but oh well. I started out hoping that Obama might have a chance. And then found myself near tears during his speech. That's what got a hold of me again yesterday. Hope. Hope that something might change. Hope that my child will grow up in a world that is not so divided, both racially and politically. HOPE! As most of you know, I don't always see hope or goodness in many things. And for it to come from a politician amazes even me. But listening to Obama's speech last night moved me. And I know, you'll say, "Well, he's just a good speaker." But that isn't the whole thing. Yes, he is an amazing speaker. But as I've watched his campaign, from the beginning I saw something different. something good. Something positive. That's the reason I was so moved yesterday to see the President Elect Barack Obama speak. That's not to say I agree with him on everything. Or that McCain would have been a horrible choice. I, like many people I know, used to admire McCain. I used to think very highly of him. But he lost a lot of respect in my book with the way he ran his campaign. Well, I think I should end here before I dig myself a hole. I'll leave you with this: Hope is a beautiful thing. It can bring light even into the darkest reaches of the hardened heart.

Politics

As today is election day, I thought I'd try and write a little about politics. I will try to keep my personal views on who's better out of this, but I can't promise anything. Mainly I want to talk about some things that I don't like about politics or the way it's being done. First off, I am so glad that this whole thing will be over in a matter of hours. I am tired of all the ads. Especially all the attack ads. I'll tell you this, if it wasn't so easy to vote here in Oregon, I probably wouldn't have. But since I voted in the comfort of my bed and was able to just drop off the ballot, I figured I might as well. But by this point I am just totally done with it all. The ads running for out senate race have been some of the nastiest I've ever seen. And to top it off they will run 3 or 4 in a row all for the same person. I've started changing the channel during commercials because I can't stand them anymore. Why is it that we want any of these nasty people in charge of our government at all. I think that's the real problem I have with politics. It seems to bring out the worst in people and the worst people. It always seems like we're picking the lesser of two evils as opposed to the best and the brightest. I, for one, am tired of the whole thing. The problem is, that all tomorrow brings is the start of the next campaign season. This one lasted 2 years. The next will probably be longer and even more painful. Anyway, I'll try and move on to another part of this whole thing that bothers me. We, as evangelicals, are told to always vote pro-life. But thats not enough for me. When we focus in so much on one particular topic or issue we tend to lose sight of the bigger picture. To me, we need to care for every human life. From conception to death. Be that the unborn, the elderly, the orphan, the widow, the soldier, the homosexual, the so called "enemy," the Iraqi, every single human life is valued by god, and so should be valued by His children. In an article by Cameron Strang, the editor of Relevant Magazine, he called it Whole-Life.That is a beautiful term. I heard a young christian say that he supported McCain. He said that while being pro-life wasn't enough to qualify you to be president, being pro-coice was enough to disqualify you. [This was in a video by PBS. It's towards the end of the video.] I have no problem with him supporting McCain. But if that is the only reason he is supporting him, while he agrees more with Obama, that just seems a little short sighted. All that to say, get out and vote. But make sure you are truly thinking about your vote and what it means.

Being A Dad

So, I'm not sure how to say this but I'm having real doubts about my ability to be a good father. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more that to be a father. But the euphoric high of finding out that I'm going to be one has started to wear off. And maybe it's just the voices in my head, but lately I've been getting more and more nervous about being responsible for another human live. I mean, I can barely take care of myself. How am I ever going to be able to take care of a baby. I mean, I love kids. But, so far, all the ones I've come in contact with were someone else's. And at the end of the day, I could give them back. this one is going to be MINE!!! It will come home with me. It will look to me to fulfill it's every need. I watch others do this and don't know if I can do it. I know, I know. I'm sure you're all thinking that I'm just being sill, or worrying too much. But I really don't know if I can do this. It brings me to tears to think of this little life-form depending on me, a broken child. You'll also say that I should pray for guidance. Pray that God would show me the way in which to raise up my child. I am doing this. But the problem is that the voices in my head seem to be louder that His. But don't worry. I long for nothing more that to give this child a good life. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.

Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

Just a quick note to let you all in on an artist that I'm amazed by right now. I hope you like the video. I'll post the lyrics below so you read them if you want. His name is Foy Vance. He's from Ireland. He's amazing. Need I say more? The video is him with the Ulster Orchestra from Belfast.

Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

She came in from the cold, wet

Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
said I need a room for the night but I don't got no money…
Will you take payment in kind?

He said ‚ it’s alright; I've got a room here you can share mine.
Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line…
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught, when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home Home Home…

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

Heavy

It's come to that point again where I can't believe I've gotten to that point again. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been here looking around and wondering what's going on. I feel so lost and so alone. Even as people start to surround me again. Nothing seems to ever change. I just keep messing things up again and again. Times like these I feel like I want to run away. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. Nothing stays the same. I know that makes no sense. It's not supposed to. I don't know what sense to make out of the jumble of things going on in my head. Nothing seems worth it right now. I'm at a point in my life where it seems that things should be set up. Things should be the way they will be for a while. Yet nothing is set up. I don't even know what to set up let alone how to set it up. As these words pour from me, I know that no one will probably read them or if for some reason I do put this out there somewhere. No one will understand it.
Every one around me seems to like me. Them seem to think that I'm good for something. At home my wife loves me and treats me good. My dog jumps in my lap and should help me be happy, but I find my self clinging to them both hoping that they will cure this pain inside. Knowing that they can't. Knowing that they don't even know this pain. Knowing that I would do anything within my power to never let them feel this kind of pain. Knowing that if I let them go, they may never come back. Sometimes thinking that might be for their best.
At church people seem happy to see me, but no one has really taken the time to get to know me. Maybe that's my fault. They all say hi and introduce themselves. I smile and introduce myself. Meeting adjourned. See you again next week. Same bat time. Same bat place. Why is it that I can no longer let anyone in? Why is it that when people do reach out to me I push them away? Why is that I feel so alone and yet can't bring myself to reach out to people?
At work they can't believe the things that I can get done. Yet they cut my hours to the point that I can't even put food on the table. All the job is for me now is an excuse to get out of the house and a chance to try and add a few dollars to the bills. But I end up spending more than I make and can't seem to reign it in. My bank probably loves me. Anyone I give that much money to probably should. I can't seem to even stay afloat.
I feel God leading me in all these directions. But no real directions on how to get there. These thoughts that pop into my head that I wish were out there are not and I feel called to do them. But have no way to do them. Or knowledge on how to do them. I've tried to come closer to God only to find my demons in the way.
I know that none of this makes sense. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. This is a glimpse at the pain that is within me. I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't even expect anyone to comment. I don't think I would. If you do read these words, I'm sorry to put you through it. You shouldn't have to wade through this river of confusion that I happen to put myself into more and more these days. I'm sorry to drop all this on you like this. What can I say. I went to write something and the floodgates have opened up and so forth came the flood. I don't even know why I'm typing this to begin with. I just know that I'm lost and alone and scared. Please look on me kindly for these words. My heart is heavy. My mind is heavy. My hands are heavy. I want you all to know that I write this not to make anyone else feel bad or to be a burden to anyone. That is the last thing that I want. I write this because I needed to get it out there. More of this may be coming your way soon. I have several topics I'd like to talk about. Hopefully not everything will be so crazy and frantic. Or make me sound like such a manic depressive freak. I'm sorry if this scared you. I didn't know it was coming either. But now that it's out it only feels right to hit the publish button and put it out there for good.

New working hours

Well, I just wanted to write a little note to let you all know about my new hours at work. As most of you know, for the last 3 months I've been working overnights and it's been a pretty hard time for me. Before this I would have told you that working nights is the best thing for me. Well, I don't know if it's that I'm a little older or that I now have things that I like to do during the day, but it was the hardest thing for me to do these overnights. I would leave the house usually around 8 PM and not get back until between 7 and 8 the next morning. I found that the hardest thing about it was wanting to spend more time with Jennifer and not wanting to leave just a few hours after she got home.

But anyway those nights are over now and I'm back onto days now. Or should I say early mornings. Now, I'm not really a morning person at all, but if it means I get to stay home and sleep in my bed at night, I'm all for it right now. I do have to leave pretty early in the morning, but it's not really too bad. I have to leave at 5 AM now. With the switch back to mornings they put me back down to only working about 20-25 hours again. With me working 4 or 5 hours a day. This made no sense to me because I felt my bus commuting time shouldn't be equal to or greater than the time I spend at work. So, I've worked it out with them that I now work 3 eight hour days a week. So, I'm working the same hours but I don't have to be there 5 days a week. They weren't too sure about this, but have gone along with it for now. They said they'd have to keep track of the store needing the shelving time before we open on the other 2 days. But I think it should work out fine. So, I start my new schedule today and I'm really looking forward to it. Not really the getting up and 3:30 or 4 but the being able to spend more time at home doing things I care more about.

Oh and the other reason I wanted to work fewer days is to spend more time on my writing. So, you may see some additions to the site. Who knows. I may even start updating you on the comings and goings of our lives out here in Oregon. I'll keep you all updated.