When I'm Gone

This post may be a little strange and not like most of my usual posts. But it's what I feel like writing today.

I've always had a very weird sense of my mortality. While most teens and young adults live like they think they'll never die, I didn't see myself living out of my 20s and I was OK with that.

I was even asked by a friend how long I wanted to live and I said 10 more years and then I was done. I didn't want to get old. I didn't want to be middle aged. I saw no real point to life after about 28.

This actually led to a minor breakdown when I actually turned 29.

Anyway, that's just some background. I love living now and have many reasons to be alive.

But last night as I was putting Chloe to bed, I was praying for her after she was asleep.

I do this every once in a while if I'm with my children after they are asleep. I put my hand on their back and pray that God would bless and keep them. That they would get a good night sleep and that they would know that I love them.

But last night seemed different to me. As I was praying I realized that this time I was praying for a future Chloe. That God would take care of her when I'm not there. But my phrasing actually sounded like I thought I was going to die soon.

Part way through I heard a voice in my head say that if I keep going the way that I am, with my weight ever expanding and general health going downhill, I probably won't make it much longer.

For the first time in my life, the thought of dying youngish broke my heart.

I don't want to die and leave my family.

I don't want to die and have my kids not have a father.

I don't want to die.

But in so many ways, I don't know how to live anymore.

I've let myself go so far that it's hard to even start in the right direction.

I don't have any answers and I'm not going to say that everything will change from this day on. I'd only be lying if I said that.

I just know that I want to live.

For my wife.

For my kids.

For me.

Let your speech always be with Grace

"Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." Colossians 4:5-6 NASB

These words hit me pretty hard in church last night.

We live in a day and age where people think it's ok to say whatever comes to their mind as soon as they think it. We don't think about how the words we say may effect those around us. And, more and more often, we think it's their fault if they are offended or put off by the words we say.

I'm not saying that there isn't a time and a place for a strong rebuke or for friends to call out friends or to tell it like it is.

But when you care more about saying what you think than you care about the people you are talking to, it leads to angry words and closed doors.

I love how the New American Standard Bible translates the verses above. It specifically talks about how we talk to outsiders. That would be the people that are around us that may not agree with us.

It doesn't tell us to shove our beliefs down their throats.

It doesn't tell us make them believe as we do.

It doesn't tell us to yell our thoughts and keep yelling so they can't get a word in.

It says to use wisdom and to make the most of each opportunity.

It says to fill your speech with grace and seasoned with salt.

The interesting thing about salt and it being used here, is that it is a preservative. That means we are to use our words to preserve those around us. To build up and fortify relationships with those placed in our lives. Even the ones we don't agree with.

As I was thinking about this last night in church, I realized that just before this passage, Paul gives us the way to help us make this true in our lives.

"Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; praying at the same time for us as well, that God will open up to us a door for the word, so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I have also been imprisoned; that I may make it clear in the way I ought to speak." Colossians 4:2-5

Paul calls us to devote ourselves to prayer. It is through praying that we will learn to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Then we will be able to make the most out of any and every situation we find ourselves in. Keep in mind this was written by a man who was in jail for preaching the Gospel. He doesn't ask for prayers to be set free. Just that God would be able to use him right where he is.

I pray that God will help me to keep my speech full of grace and to let me use the wisdom He gives me to build up those around me.