Blank pages have always haunted me. I’ve always felt the need to fill them with something. I sat down today to write something, and I just sat there looking at the blank page on my screen.
It just sits there and taunts me.
“You have nothing worthwhile to say.”
“Nobody really cares what you think.”
“Why are you still wasting your time on this pipe dream?”
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“Don’t even try. Just give up and go back to ignoring life.”
These voices in my head tell me all these things every time I sit down to try to write something. Sometimes I listen. Obviously, sometimes I don’t, or else you wouldn’t be reading this.
I think most people go through this though. I know that I’m not alone. If you read any blog about writing and creativity, you’ll see that it happens to everyone. But that doesn’t mean the voices aren’t just as loud in my ears. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe them half the time.
I’m not saying that I have anything earth shattering to say. I’m not saying that everyone should listen to the advice I have. I’m not saying that my writing is the best in the world.
I’m just saying that for some reason, I have these words that I need to get out sometimes. If people want to read them, that’s great.
I’d love to have feedback from people. I’d love to make this more of a conversation. A two-way conversation. I’m not really sure how to do that. I know other people are better at the whole conversation thing then I am. I’m aware of my need to work on following up with people who comment. on here. I’m just not sure how to do that.
So, for now I’ll just try to fill the blank pages with a little bit of myself. I’ll try to defy the voices in my head often enough to write a couple of times a week. Hopefully, the more I do defy the voices, the easier it will be to not listen to them at all.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Another year gone
So, as some of you might know, today is my birthday. For the last few years, this has brought up some really strange feelings. It’s like I can’t really believe that I’m as old as I am. This year I turn 32. I know this doesn’t really seem all that old. But it’s just crazy to me that I could be that old. Plus I think with each passing year, I feel the added weight of what I haven’t done that year. It’s a very strange feeling to know that I’ve spent another year of my life not really knowing what I’m doing with it.
I wish I had answers for where I’m going in this life. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. But the more I search for these answers, the more confused I seem to get. And as the years add up, I see all the people my age or younger, that have made something of themselves. They’re living their dreams. Or at least living their lives. I feel like I’m stuck in this never-ending spiral. I’m not really getting anywhere. I’m just ending back here again. But a year older. A year more tired. A year lazier. A year further down in the ruts I’m digging for myself.
So, with each year, it becomes harder and harder to dig out of the hole I’ve made for myself. I try different things to get out of it. But every time I end up back here.
If this post seems kind of cyclical, that’s because that’s the way I see my life now. In so many ways I don’t know why I should even really try anymore. Which brings up the other reason that I have a hard time really celebrating my birthday.
When I was turning 19 was the darkest day of my life that I can remember. I had gone, against my better judgement, to SDSU for my first semester of college. I was looking forward to getting out of the house. To be honest I wanted, more than anything to be a party kid. I wanted to spend my time at college getting into as much trouble as I could find. I even signed up to be in the dorm that I had heard was the party dorm.
But then I found myself in the reality of being alone in a new place with no friends and no one to talk to. I had a job and a class schedule. I can tell you that soon after the semester started I knew that I’d made the wrong decision. In both my major and in going to college in the first place. It was during this time that I realized that I wanted to write. But I had gone to college to be an engineer. I truly wanted to be an architect, but I’d heard that it was a better career decision to become an engineer. But I was all alone. I had no one to really talk to this stuff about. I felt so alone. I started dropping classes. Or just not attending them. I started spending way too much time stuck in my room playing my guitar.
Keep in my that I had struggled with depression for most of my teenage years. Then I found myself so utterly alone. I felt abandoned by God. I felt so distant from everything that I had known. I didn’t even end up going to any parties, because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t really get to know anyone.
I’m not sure how long we’d been in school, but it obviously couldn’t have been too long since my birthday is this early in the school year. But I know that when my birthday came around in 1999, I felt so bad that I just wanted it all to end. But I didn’t know how. I laid in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I should even continue living another day. During these years, I was having such a hard time sleeping that I would sleep with headphones on. On the night of September 14th when I went to bed, I had, for whatever reason, chosen to listen to the Bon Jovi CD, Crossroad. I was laying in bed and looked up at the clock to see that it was midnight. It was now my birthday. I burst into tears and could not think of a reason to go on. Then the pictures popped into my head of me laying dead on the dorm room floor. And I can honestly say, the reason I didn’t do it then, was that I didn’t want my roommate, who I barely knew, to have to deal with that.
But then a song came on called “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night.” I won’t tell you all about the song, if you want to hear it, click on the title and it will take you to the music video for it. But it’s about people being down and out, but not giving up and making something of themselves. For me it wasn’t that I felt I was supposed to be famous. I just felt as I listened to this song this time, that I was supposed to go on and keep on trying. That I may be down and out now. But that didn’t mean I always had to be that way. That I could still live and have a good life.
This song actually started me back on track to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. That semester was still the worst time in my life. But I don’t think I’d be who I am without it.
Shortly after that I would start going regularly to the Nazarene Church in Madison, SD. And through God and the love of the pastor and his family, I fought my way through that semester.
Sorry, this was a little long. The words just started to flow and now we’re around 1000 words. But anyway. This is why my birthday is both a good and bad day for me. It’s a very complicated day. I never really know what to do with it. It’s a day that everybody says they’re happy to have me around. But every year, I’m reminded that I don’t always want to have me around. How’s that for a sad thought for your birthday.
So, here’s to another year. Maybe this time next year I’ll be in a different place. Or at least I’ll have tried.
I wish I had answers for where I’m going in this life. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. But the more I search for these answers, the more confused I seem to get. And as the years add up, I see all the people my age or younger, that have made something of themselves. They’re living their dreams. Or at least living their lives. I feel like I’m stuck in this never-ending spiral. I’m not really getting anywhere. I’m just ending back here again. But a year older. A year more tired. A year lazier. A year further down in the ruts I’m digging for myself.
So, with each year, it becomes harder and harder to dig out of the hole I’ve made for myself. I try different things to get out of it. But every time I end up back here.
If this post seems kind of cyclical, that’s because that’s the way I see my life now. In so many ways I don’t know why I should even really try anymore. Which brings up the other reason that I have a hard time really celebrating my birthday.
When I was turning 19 was the darkest day of my life that I can remember. I had gone, against my better judgement, to SDSU for my first semester of college. I was looking forward to getting out of the house. To be honest I wanted, more than anything to be a party kid. I wanted to spend my time at college getting into as much trouble as I could find. I even signed up to be in the dorm that I had heard was the party dorm.
But then I found myself in the reality of being alone in a new place with no friends and no one to talk to. I had a job and a class schedule. I can tell you that soon after the semester started I knew that I’d made the wrong decision. In both my major and in going to college in the first place. It was during this time that I realized that I wanted to write. But I had gone to college to be an engineer. I truly wanted to be an architect, but I’d heard that it was a better career decision to become an engineer. But I was all alone. I had no one to really talk to this stuff about. I felt so alone. I started dropping classes. Or just not attending them. I started spending way too much time stuck in my room playing my guitar.
Keep in my that I had struggled with depression for most of my teenage years. Then I found myself so utterly alone. I felt abandoned by God. I felt so distant from everything that I had known. I didn’t even end up going to any parties, because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t really get to know anyone.
I’m not sure how long we’d been in school, but it obviously couldn’t have been too long since my birthday is this early in the school year. But I know that when my birthday came around in 1999, I felt so bad that I just wanted it all to end. But I didn’t know how. I laid in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I should even continue living another day. During these years, I was having such a hard time sleeping that I would sleep with headphones on. On the night of September 14th when I went to bed, I had, for whatever reason, chosen to listen to the Bon Jovi CD, Crossroad. I was laying in bed and looked up at the clock to see that it was midnight. It was now my birthday. I burst into tears and could not think of a reason to go on. Then the pictures popped into my head of me laying dead on the dorm room floor. And I can honestly say, the reason I didn’t do it then, was that I didn’t want my roommate, who I barely knew, to have to deal with that.
But then a song came on called “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night.” I won’t tell you all about the song, if you want to hear it, click on the title and it will take you to the music video for it. But it’s about people being down and out, but not giving up and making something of themselves. For me it wasn’t that I felt I was supposed to be famous. I just felt as I listened to this song this time, that I was supposed to go on and keep on trying. That I may be down and out now. But that didn’t mean I always had to be that way. That I could still live and have a good life.
This song actually started me back on track to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. That semester was still the worst time in my life. But I don’t think I’d be who I am without it.
Shortly after that I would start going regularly to the Nazarene Church in Madison, SD. And through God and the love of the pastor and his family, I fought my way through that semester.
Sorry, this was a little long. The words just started to flow and now we’re around 1000 words. But anyway. This is why my birthday is both a good and bad day for me. It’s a very complicated day. I never really know what to do with it. It’s a day that everybody says they’re happy to have me around. But every year, I’m reminded that I don’t always want to have me around. How’s that for a sad thought for your birthday.
So, here’s to another year. Maybe this time next year I’ll be in a different place. Or at least I’ll have tried.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sorry
I know that I don’t really have to say sorry for not posting. Most people probably aren’t coming here very often to read what I say. Not that people aren’t coming to read it. But I still feel bad for not writing. It’s been a strange few weeks. I’ll probably get into more of that in my next few posts. But for now just think of this as kind of a restart of the restart of the start of this blog.
I’m looking to change a few things in my life. I’m trying to set up some order. I’m trying to get into some kind of schedule. I feel like most of my days are just flying by with nothing getting done. So, I’m trying to set up some things that I can get done everyday. The first thing is to take 30 minutes to write a day. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be posting every day. I think that Is a little unreasonable in the long run. But I will be trying to write something everyday. I might even be able to not post everything, but just post the best things that I’m writing.
I’m also going to be playing music for 30 minutes. I’m really just trying to get back into the habit of playing. So, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with this. I’ve thought about working on a song each week and posting one video a week. If you have interest in that let me know. Right now I’m not sure if anyone would want to hear me sing, besides my mom that is.
I’m also going to be spending 30 minutes trying to teach Max something. We have some books and things that we’ll be working through. We’ll see how it goes. There is a reason I’m not a teacher. I don’t have the patience for it. So, we’ll see if we both survive these sessions. Plus I might set Max up with The computer to go through some of the Starfall programs. He loves them and seems to learn a lot from them.
I’m also planning on trying to spend 30 minutes cleaning the house. May not seem like something most people would have to put on a to do list. But I can never seem to remember to get around to it. So, there is a lot to do.
On top of this I’m going to be trying to get to the Y every day for an hour and a half. Some of these days I’ll be going with Jennifer. Others I’ll just be going on my own. I just have to get my times back in there for the child care. Then we’ll be able to get in.
It may seem strange that I’m doing these things in such small amounts. But I think that’s the best way for me to assure that I keep doing things throughout my day. I need to keep moving and being productive. Otherwise I just feel like I’m wasting my time. Plus I feel bad about somewhat checking out some days.
We’ll see how all of this turns out. I’ll keep you informed on how things are going. Hopefully this will mean more regular posts on here. I’ll hope to see you all again here in a few days.
I’m looking to change a few things in my life. I’m trying to set up some order. I’m trying to get into some kind of schedule. I feel like most of my days are just flying by with nothing getting done. So, I’m trying to set up some things that I can get done everyday. The first thing is to take 30 minutes to write a day. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be posting every day. I think that Is a little unreasonable in the long run. But I will be trying to write something everyday. I might even be able to not post everything, but just post the best things that I’m writing.
I’m also going to be playing music for 30 minutes. I’m really just trying to get back into the habit of playing. So, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with this. I’ve thought about working on a song each week and posting one video a week. If you have interest in that let me know. Right now I’m not sure if anyone would want to hear me sing, besides my mom that is.
I’m also going to be spending 30 minutes trying to teach Max something. We have some books and things that we’ll be working through. We’ll see how it goes. There is a reason I’m not a teacher. I don’t have the patience for it. So, we’ll see if we both survive these sessions. Plus I might set Max up with The computer to go through some of the Starfall programs. He loves them and seems to learn a lot from them.
I’m also planning on trying to spend 30 minutes cleaning the house. May not seem like something most people would have to put on a to do list. But I can never seem to remember to get around to it. So, there is a lot to do.
On top of this I’m going to be trying to get to the Y every day for an hour and a half. Some of these days I’ll be going with Jennifer. Others I’ll just be going on my own. I just have to get my times back in there for the child care. Then we’ll be able to get in.
It may seem strange that I’m doing these things in such small amounts. But I think that’s the best way for me to assure that I keep doing things throughout my day. I need to keep moving and being productive. Otherwise I just feel like I’m wasting my time. Plus I feel bad about somewhat checking out some days.
We’ll see how all of this turns out. I’ll keep you informed on how things are going. Hopefully this will mean more regular posts on here. I’ll hope to see you all again here in a few days.
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