The light

As I’ve been working nights, I’ve noticed that towards the end of my shift as I’m starting to drag and the exhaustion is setting in, there comes a point where the sun comes up and you can see it flood in through the skylights and the front doors.

Even though before the sun comes up, it’s no where near dark in the store I realized that it makes the store so much brighter.

At first I thought it was just because that meant my shift was almost over and I was happy to be done.

But then I figured out that you can’t always see the dark until someone shines a light into it.

I know this is also true in my life.

In my darkest times, I haven’t always been able to see how far gone I was, until after someone shined a light into my darkness.

Then I can see just how dark thing were.

So, thank you to all those who have brought light into my life.

It would be a darker place without you there.

Stories to tell

This may seem like a small thing to most people, but it hit me last Friday morning as I was telling Jennifer about my first night of work, that it was great to have things to tell her for once.

I don’t like to say it, but there were times while I was staying home, that I would resent Jennifer and all of her stories about her day at work.

Not because I didn’t care about what was happening in her life, but because I had no stories to tell.

There are only so many times you can say that Chloe napped and maybe I did too, before she’s heard it and doesn’t want to hear it again.

So, it left me feeling empty sometimes to hear all the fun things she would do, and to have nothing to add to the conversation.

As I was telling Jennifer about my night, I realized why I didn’t always like hearing about her days.

It was a great feeling to finally have stories to share and I can’t wait share the things I’ll learn with all of you too.

You are not alone

As anyone who reads this blog very often knows I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life.

I found this video this week and it really spoke to me.

I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

Things I’ve learned

Over the last 10 days, I’ve taken time to write  some of the things I’ve learned over the last 10 years of being married.

One of the things that I’ve learned over the last few days is that I truly know nothing.

As I’ve thought about each of the things that I wrote about I realized that only being married for 10 years really doesn’t give me much right to talk like an expert.

I look at the people in our lives that have been married for so much longer and I think that I don’t have a right to speak on these things.

But then I realized that, while I may not be an expert on it, I can still speak to the things that I’ve learned.

I can only hope that over the next years I will continue to learn from the things life sends our way.

The main thing that I have learned is that I love my wife and family and I wouldn’t want to be on this adventure with anyone else.

1. That I want to grow old with her

This kind of sums up everything that I’ve said over the last 10 days.

Before I met Jennifer I didn’t see a future.

Now there is nothing more I want in this world, than to spend the rest of my life beside this beautiful woman.

She truly has changed my life and continues to bring nothing but pure joy to my life.

I’ve seen the love with our parents and grandparents grow over time, and I can’t wait to be that old couple walking down the street hand in hand.

She truly is my other half, and I would be lost without her.

2. That expressing oneself in a loving relationship can bring you closer

One of the things that I’ve learned over the last 10 years, is that as we’ve learned to talk to each other and learned how to show our love to each other, we’ve grown closer and closer.

It seems like there are times where we don’t even have to say things to each other for the other one to know what we mean.

It’s brought about a great sense of closeness in our relationship.

I know that we have only been married for 10 years, and that truly isn’t all that long.

But there are times where it feels like we’ve known each other forever.

There are times when all she needs to do is smile for me to know what’s she’s meaning.

I know that this bond will only grow with time.

3. That no matter what culture says, being with one women for the rest of your life is amazing

Culture would tell us that it’s boring to be with only one person for the rest of your life.

I know that I’ve only been married for 10 years, but I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

Waking up next to Jennifer has been one the best things in my life.

To look over and see her beautiful face so peaceful and resting.

I’ve fallen in love with Jennifer in new ways all the time.

We fell in love in college, when things like family seemed so far away.

Then I fell for her as my wife as she became my other half.

Then we had kids and I fell in love with her as a mother.

But most of all since our relationship started, she has been my best friend and my confidant.

She truly has been a gift from God in my life.

One that I know I didn’t deserve.

4. That all it takes is a smile to make a day better

I can’t count the times that I’ve been having a horrible day, and just feeling down, and all it takes is for Jennifer to smile at me to turn things around.

Does a smile make all of the worlds problems go away? No.

Does it truly change the bad situation or mood that I’m in? No.

But knowing that someone loves me changes my mindset.

It’s starts things onto the track of getting better.

It changes my whole outlook on life.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve had some rough times.

But my wife’s beautiful smile has changed my life.

5. That hiding feelings doesn’t help anybody, including myself

This kind of goes with yesterday’s post about arguing.

But I think it’s important on its own.

Mainly because you need to learn to express your feelings and opinions openly, in order for your relationship to work.

I can tell you from my own experience that when I’ve kept my feelings bottled up is when I’ve had the most problems in life.

If you keep it all in, it won’t take much for your bubble to burst, and then the devastation that you can cause is multiplied.

I think this even goes beyond disagreements and arguments.

There have been times in the last 10 years when I’ve felt like Jennifer and I were just roommates.

This all stems from us keeping our feeling and emotions to ourselves.

In order to live with another person, you both have to be willing to share yourselves with the other person.

6. That arguing doesn’t mean fighting and doesn’t mean you hate each other

Whew that’s a long title.

But it’s true.

I haven’t always been very good at communicating with other people.

Some might say it’s my biggest fault.

I find it very hard to get my point across without just getting mad and shutting down.

This is true in my work life as well as my marriage.

After getting serious with Jennifer, there were several times while we were dating that I was pretty close to ruining the whole thing, and most of it came back to my lack of communication.

I really had to be taught that we could argue and still love each other.

We could disagree and still love each other.

We could talk things through and still love each other.

Not every argument means it’s the end of the world.

When you love someone, you need to be able to communicate with them how you are feeling without getting too angry.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this.

But with Jennifer’s help, I’m getting better.

7. That I can be a good dad

Once again, this goes along with yesterdays, but it is a different point for me.

This one really took a while to sink in, and in some ways I’m not really sure that it has all the way.

But one of the things I’ve learned is that no one is perfect, but that you can always try to be good at what you are doing.

I know that I had a lot of fears going into my time as a stay at home dad.

Would I really be able to handle a kid on my own for most of the day?

Was it wise to leave a kid home with me?

After all, I barely felt like I could take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of this crying screaming hungry little thing?

But Jennifer helped me to realize that I could do it.

Like I said above, it was never about being perfect, just doing everything that you can to take care of these precious gifts you’ve been given.

8. That I want kids

This kind of goes along with yesterdays, but adds a whole other layer to it.

Even when I saw that I wanted to live, I still wasn’t sure about having kids.

It always seemed like such a burden, and I really just didn’t think that I would have the patience for it.

Not too long into our relationship, I was helping her watch the kids that she was a nanny for, and I realized that I would love to have and raise kids with the woman.

I still thought it would be hard and maybe even horrible at times, and it is.

But I can tell you that I wouldn’t want to be raising kids with anyone other than my beautiful wife.

9. That I can have a future

It’s not always something that I like to talk about, but in my teens and into college, I really didn’t see a future for myself.

I kinda wanted to live like a rock star and then die before 30.

It was shortly after I met and feel in love with Jennifer, that I realized that maybe that wasn’t all there was to life.

That maybe I could live a little longer and spend my time with someone who made me feel like I could do anything.

Jennifer has always seen through the walls that I put up to keep people out, and wasn’t scared of the persona I portrayed.

She has always brought out the best in me, and part of that, was showing me that I had a reason to live.

10. Let the countdown begin

As Jennifer and I are approaching our 10th anniversary, I thought I take some time to talk about the things I’ve learned in the past 10 years.

I’ve picked 10 things and will countdown the next few days until our anniversary with one topic a day.

So, here goes…

10. That as much as I like to be alone, I still need people.

This may seem kind of obvious to most people.

But for a long time I truly thought that I didn’t need other people in my life.

That I was fine on my own and could totally take care of myself.

Needless to say, that is far from the truth.

But I’ve especially found it amazing to be able to have someone by my side in all of the adventures that we’ve encountered over the last 10 years.

I know for a fact if I didn’t have her in my life, pushing me to do new things, I wouldn’t be where I am today.