Keep Your Eye On The Donut

The other night as I was putting Max to bed, I read him a devotional book that we got him a while back. It’s a VeggieTales book for boys. We don’t read it near enough. Part of the problem is that it’s a little over his head. He doesn’t get everything that is said in it. But anyway, I read him a devotional, and it kind of hit home for me.

The title was “Keep Your Eye Upon The Donut.” It had a poem in it that they had seen in a donut shop somewhere. It goes like this.

As you travel through life brother, Whatever be your goal, Keep your eye upon the donut, And not upon the hole.

They went on to talk about how we should be thankful for the things we have in our lives and not just focus on the things we don’t have. I find myself doing this all the time. It seems like it’s the American way to look at the things that you don’t have and covet them. I have a iPhone 4S. Does that mean I don’t want to have an iPhone 5? No. Which is crazy. I have so much in my life. But I’m always looking at all the things I don’t have.

So, I’m going to try to take more time to be thankful and to show my thanks to those around me. I’m not very good at telling people thanks. In fact, I’m horrible at it. I always mean to. But never remember until it’s way too late.

Today, I would like to thank my family for all of the things they have done for me. I could never repay the love that you have given me. I know I’m not always the easiest to love. Especially because it can be a thankless job sometimes. But you have stayed by my side no matter what I have done to try to push you away. Thank you for loving me and keeping me from hurting myself too much.

So, what’s your donut today? What is the thing that  you have been relying on, while spending your time looking at what you don’t have?

Max and I have accidently been conducting an experiment this week. It has not gone well.

As most of you that know me will know, I am not a morning person. I may have said before that being a stay at home dad, has forced me to change some of my sleep habits. But even when I’m up, I’m not really awake until around noon. So, needless to say, mornings can be kind of crazy.

Anyway. Last week I heard someone talking about how their kids were horrible brats when they watched TV in the mornings, and the behavior continued the rest of the day. This behavior sounded all to familiar to me and was how we’ve been spending an every growing amount of time lately. So, last Sunday Max and I got up in the morning and started playing. There were a few times that he asked about the TV, but when I said no, he would just keep on playing and forget about it. After a few hours of playing I turned on the football games, but continued to play with him and interact more with him. He was by no means perfect. But, at least to me, it seemed like a different kid in many ways.

Monday Jennifer had to stay home because I’d been up pretty much all night and needed to rest. So, things were a little different that day. But we pretty much did the same thing. More interaction and less TV. Even some more time to play Starfall educational games on the computer.

I continued this on Tuesday, with pretty much the same results. He was a much calmer kid and listened to me. It was great.

But then I hit a wall Tuesday night. I can’t even remember exactly what happened, but I didn’t get enough sleep, or at least restful sleep. So, I was exhausted Wednesday morning. I had no energy to play with Max at all. It was all I could do just to stay awake. So, I went back to the old ways. I turned on the TV and tuned out. And so did Max. He changed almost instantly. He kept asking me to play with him, but like the selfish person I can be when I’m tired, I would tell him no, or later, which means no to him. It was hard to watch. But I had no energy to do anything about it. I just told myself that tomorrow would be better. I’d get some good sleep and everything would be better.

As you can probably guess, I haven’t slept well the rest of the week and it’s all fallen apart. The only evidence there is of the beginning of the week, is that Max now asks me to play more than normal. I know that not all of his actions can be placed on the TV or less interaction. I know that there are going to be days where neither one of us are going to be up for much. But I know that I don’t have patience when I’m tired. And so, I’m sure I don’t treat him the best. It’s hard to see, because I know he is a good kid. But he’s learning my bad habits. My moodiness. My selfishness. I see all of these things reflected back to me in my son.

I know that I need to find a way to get normal sleep. He really wants to play with me now. Who knows how long he’ll keep wanting to, if I keep saying no.

Setting An Example

I’ve been realizing lately that I’m not setting the greatest example for my kids. I’m not proud of the way that I’ve let some things slip in my life. I’m not proud of the way I’m not an example of how to live you life. Whether you look at how I my health is horrible. I’m extremely out of shape. I’ve never really done anything with my life and I find myself getting lower everyday.

But all of this really pales in comparison to how I’ve let my spiritual life fall by the wayside. There are reasons for some of this. But more than likely they are just excuses that I make to make myself feel better about letting my family down.

I have very vivid memories of seeing my dad spending time daily reading his bible and spending time with God. Sure he was a pastor and this was part of his job. But it was always more than that. You could tell that it was what he drew from for how to live his life.

I find myself now, not being very good about reading my bible or making it a priority to spend time in prayer. I can’t even bring myself to make it to church most weeks. I make excuses that I need to sleep or I’m not feeling well. But for the most part it’s just not a priority in my life. I want it to be. But it’s just not.

This really wasn’t that big of a deal for me before having kids. But now I know that Max and Chloe are watching my every move. They are learning how to live their lives from what they see me do. And I know that I’m not the best example most of the time.

I don’t have any answers here. I’m not going to make a promise that I’ll spend time each day reading my bible or make sure to be in church each week. We all know how good I am at keeping the promises I make on this blog. But I am going to try to be a better example to my kids. I’m going to try to make more time to spend with God and make sure that my kids see me making this a priority.

They are going to learn from they way I live my life. I just hope that they learn some good things from me along the way.

Being a dad is confusing

Being a dad is hard. I know most people, especially dads, know this. But it really is hard. I live my kids more than anything in this world. And would give up anything to be with them. But it’s not always easy.

I know that I am blessed with two beautiful healthy children. They are both amazing. But that really doesn’t always help. Maybe my case is different because I stay home with them, but there are days where I just don’t think I’m going to be able to do it anymore.

Lately I feel like an explosion is building up inside of me, and I’m scared if how it might come out. I find that there are days where all I want to do it put them in their rooms and walk out the front door.

But then there are some amazing times too. The last few days Max and I have been having a hard time. I’m not sure what’s been going on, but he seems to be trying everything he can to get on my nerves.

Then tonight one of our friends to him for a little bit, for which they deserve an award. When they came back I met them at the top of the stairs to our apartment. Max came around the corner and saw me and yelled, “daddy.” And ran up the rest of the stairs. I have to say that made me feel really good.

Than we spent some of the rest of the evening watching Lion King and hanging out. It’s pretty amazing to sit with your son on your lap and have him tell you he loves you. There really is nothing like it in this world.

Maybe I should have started off this blog, being a dad is confusing. That sums it up a little better. It’s great. But it’s also horrible.

I call Max the most demanding boss I’ve ever had and its the truth. No other boss I’ve ever had would wake up me up in the middle of the night or have me cuddle up with them after they’ve had a bad dream. And if they did I think I’d have to quit. That would have been weird.

Day 2/31 - Likes/Dislikes

So, here I am on day two of this project. Today’s prompt was to look at your blog as if you weren’t the one writing it and find things that you dislike and also like.

I came up with a list of my own. But I was thinking maybe those who read this might be a little better at pointing these things out. That way I can look to change things or keep doing them.

So, if you could, take a few minutes to look around my blog and tell me a few things you don’t like and a few you do.

I know this wasn’t the greatest blog. But, I’m trying to make this place better for both of us.

Day 1/31

So today was day one for me of going through 31 Days To Finding Your Blogging Mojo by Bryan Allain. The question that he put to the reader was to think about what your blog would look like when it is running full steam. I took this as a way of looking at my goals for this blog. I haven’t really been all that certain about what I was wanting to do with it. But I really think this exercise made me think about what I wanted to do here. I’ve stated some of it here before but here is my response to the question.

“That’s a hard question for me. I’d like to have a fair amount of readers and maybe a little income coming from it. I’d like to be able to post regularly and come up with things that people really want to read. I’d like to get my voice out there. See if there is anyone else with my problems and see if we can help each other fix them. I’d like for my writing to reach people. To connect with people and affect positive change in their lives. That if a bumbling idiot like me can do something, then they are more than capable of doing it too. I’d like to get my music out there and share the gifts that I believe God has given me. I’d like others to hear me and have a conversation with me. I’d like to find some way of making this my life. To write for a living and bring some money into the family with it.”

I think it’s interesting that I mentioned twice that I want to make money doing this. I’ve thought about it some, but I guess it really is the point of it. Right now I’m not making anything. But that’s because I haven’t looked into ways of putting ads on here or things like that. But I think that comes back to feeling bad about putting so much pressure on Jennifer to make all the money for the family. I know that I won’t make much doing this. But in some ways it would be nice to bring a little into the family. Make me feel a little less like a stay-at-home loser and more like a contributing member of society.

That’s all for today. I’ll try to post again in the next few days. Thank you for taking this trip with me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

New Month

Well, as you can probably tell from my lack of posts lately, things haven’t been going exactly like I said they would. Which I guess is what they call life. Seems to be that every time I try to change things around, things get changed around in a completely different direction.

Over the last most or so, our family has been sick one after another. It seemed like we were just getting over the first bout of sickness when the second hit us. The kids are still sick and I’m still not doing great. But I think at least I’m on my way back to the land of the living. Part of the problem is, that I try to make sure Jennifer can get enough sleep to make it through her days at work ok. So, there are some nights, like last night, where I’m up for most of it trying to take care of the kids. I figure I can hang around here with the kids in a little bit more of a zombie state better than she could in a room full of middle-schoolers. But that hasn’t helped me get over my cold either.

But that isn’t why I came here to talk today.

I started a new book 31 Days To Finding Your Blogging Mojo by Bryan Allain. Like the title would suggest, it’s a book about getting back into blogging or getting your blog really working. So, I thought I’d take the month of October to work my way through it. I’m not sure how this will work. I’ll try to be posting the things that it tells me to write for that days exercise. Not sure if I’ll be posting every day with this, or just when I have a feeling that this is worth something. But hopefully this will mean I’ll be changing a few things around here. This one is getting a little wordy, so I think I’ll actually end this here and then start a new one with the exercise from today. I hope you all like this. I’m going to be trying my best to figure out what this blog is in the next month. If you can bear with me,  I’ll try to make it interesting and keep you entertained.

Blank Page

Blank pages have always haunted me. I’ve always felt the need to fill them with something. I sat down today to write something, and I just sat there looking at the blank page on my screen.

It just sits there and taunts me.

“You have nothing worthwhile to say.”

“Nobody really cares what you think.”

“Why are you still wasting your time on this pipe dream?”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

“Don’t even try. Just give up and go back to ignoring life.”

These voices in my head tell me all these things every time I sit down to try to write something. Sometimes I listen. Obviously, sometimes I don’t, or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

I think most people go through this though. I know that I’m not alone. If you read any blog about writing and creativity, you’ll see that it happens to everyone. But that doesn’t mean the voices aren’t just as loud in my ears. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe them half the time.

I’m not saying that I have anything earth shattering to say. I’m not saying that everyone should listen to the advice I have. I’m not saying that my writing is the best in the world.

I’m just saying that for some reason, I have these words that I need to get out sometimes. If people want to read them, that’s great.

I’d love to have feedback from people. I’d love to make this more of a conversation. A two-way conversation. I’m not really sure how to do that. I know other people are better at the whole conversation thing then I am. I’m aware of my need to work on following up with people who comment. on here. I’m just not sure how to do that.

So, for now I’ll just try to fill the blank pages with a little bit of myself. I’ll try to defy the voices in my head often enough to write a couple of times a week. Hopefully, the more I do defy the voices, the easier it will be to not listen to them at all.

Another year gone

So, as some of you might know, today is my birthday. For the last few years, this has brought up some really strange feelings. It’s like I can’t really believe that I’m as old as I am. This year I turn 32. I know this doesn’t really seem all that old. But it’s just crazy to me that I could be that old. Plus I think with each passing year, I feel the added weight of what I haven’t done that year. It’s a very strange feeling to know that I’ve spent another year of my life not really knowing what I’m doing with it.

I wish I had answers for where I’m going in this life. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. But the more I search for these answers, the more confused I seem to get. And as the years add up, I see all the people my age or younger, that have made something of themselves. They’re living their dreams. Or at least living their lives. I feel like I’m stuck in this never-ending spiral. I’m not really getting anywhere. I’m just ending back here again. But a year older. A year more tired. A year lazier. A year further down in the ruts I’m digging for myself.

So, with each year, it becomes harder and harder to dig out of the hole I’ve made for myself. I try different things to get out of it. But every time I end up back here.

If this post seems kind of cyclical, that’s because that’s the way I see my life now. In so many ways I don’t know why I should even really try anymore. Which brings up the other reason that I have a hard time really celebrating my birthday.

When I was turning 19 was the darkest day of my life that I can remember. I had gone, against my better judgement, to SDSU for my first semester of college. I was looking forward to getting out of the house. To be honest I wanted, more than anything to be a party kid. I wanted to spend my time at college getting into as much trouble as I could find. I even signed up to be in the dorm that I had heard was the party dorm.

But then I found myself in the reality of being alone in a new place with no friends and no one to talk to. I had a job and a class schedule. I can tell you that soon after the semester started I knew that I’d made the wrong decision. In both my major and in going to college in the first place. It was during this time that I realized that I wanted to write. But I had gone to college to be an engineer. I truly wanted to be an architect, but I’d heard that it was a better career decision to become an engineer. But I was all alone. I had no one to really talk to this stuff about. I felt so alone. I started dropping classes. Or just not attending them. I started spending way too much time stuck in my room playing my guitar.

Keep in my that I had struggled with depression for most of my teenage years. Then I found myself so utterly alone. I felt abandoned by God. I felt so distant from everything that I had known. I didn’t even end up going to any parties, because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t really get to know anyone.

I’m not sure how long we’d been in school, but it obviously couldn’t have been too long since my birthday is this early in the school year. But I know that when my birthday came around in 1999, I felt so bad that I just wanted it all to end. But I didn’t know how. I laid in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I should even continue living another day. During these years, I was having such a hard time sleeping that I would sleep with headphones on. On the night of September 14th when I went to bed, I had, for whatever reason, chosen to listen to the Bon Jovi CD, Crossroad. I was laying in bed and looked up at the clock to see that it was midnight. It was now my birthday. I burst into tears and could not think of a reason to go on. Then the pictures popped into my head of me laying dead on the dorm room floor. And I can honestly say, the reason I didn’t do it then, was that I didn’t want my roommate, who I barely knew, to have to deal with that.

But then a song came on called “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night.” I won’t tell you all about the song, if you want to hear it, click on the title and it will take you to the music video for it. But it’s about people being down and out, but not giving up and making something of themselves. For me it wasn’t that I felt I was supposed to be famous. I just felt as I listened to this song this time, that I was supposed to go on and keep on trying. That I may be down and out now. But that didn’t mean I always had to be that way. That I could still live and have a good life.

This song actually started me back on track to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. That semester was still the worst time in my life. But I don’t think I’d be who I am without it.

Shortly after that I would start going regularly to the Nazarene Church in Madison, SD. And through God and the love of the pastor and his family, I fought my way through that semester.

Sorry, this was a little long. The words just started to flow and now we’re around 1000 words. But anyway. This is why my birthday is both a good and bad day for me. It’s a very complicated day. I never really know what to do with it. It’s a day that everybody says they’re happy to have me around. But every year, I’m reminded that I don’t always want to have me around. How’s that for a sad thought for your birthday.

So, here’s to another year. Maybe this time next year I’ll be in a different place. Or at least I’ll have tried.

Sorry

I know that I don’t really have to say sorry for not posting. Most people probably aren’t coming here very often to read what I say. Not that people aren’t coming to read it. But I still feel bad for not writing. It’s been a strange few weeks. I’ll probably get into more of that in my next few posts. But for now just think of this as kind of a restart of the restart of the start of this blog.

I’m looking to change a few things in my life. I’m trying to set up some order. I’m trying to get into some kind of schedule. I feel like most of my days are just flying by with nothing getting done. So, I’m trying to set up some things that I can get done everyday. The first thing is to take 30 minutes to write a day. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be posting every day. I think that Is a little unreasonable in the long run. But I will be trying to write something everyday. I might even be able to not post everything, but just post the best things that I’m writing.

I’m also going to be playing music for 30 minutes. I’m really just trying to get back into the habit of playing. So, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with this. I’ve thought about working on a song each week and posting one video a week. If you have interest in that let me know. Right now I’m not sure if anyone would want to hear me sing, besides my mom that is.

I’m also going to be spending 30 minutes trying to teach Max something. We have some books and things that we’ll be working through. We’ll see how it goes. There is a reason I’m not a teacher. I don’t have the patience for it. So, we’ll see if we both survive these sessions. Plus I might set Max up with The computer to go through some of the Starfall programs. He loves them and seems to learn a lot from them.

I’m also planning on trying to spend 30 minutes cleaning the house. May not seem like something most people would have to put on a to do list. But I can never seem to remember to get around to it. So, there is a lot to do.

On top of this I’m going to be trying to get to the Y every day for an hour and a half. Some of these days I’ll be going with Jennifer. Others I’ll just be going on my own. I just have to get my times back in there for the child care. Then we’ll be able to get in.

It may seem strange that I’m doing these things in such small amounts. But I think that’s the best way for me to assure that I keep doing things throughout my day. I need to keep moving and being productive. Otherwise I just feel like I’m wasting my time. Plus I feel bad about somewhat checking out some days.

We’ll see how all of this turns out. I’ll keep you informed on how things are going. Hopefully this will mean more regular posts on here. I’ll hope to see you all again here in a few days.

Swimming In The Deep End

So, last week I talked about my weight issues. I’m thinking about making this a regular weekly topic on here. I’m not sure how everyone else feels about that, but I know that I need a place to talk about some of these things, and so, for now, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m planning on making this either a Monday night or Tuesday morning topic. I’m a little late on this weeks, but here goes.

Today I went to the Y to swim laps for the first time. I have never been this sore. At least not since the last time I tried out for basketball. I remember coming home and not being able to move for a while after those practices. But it’s been awhile since I’ve felt like this. Which I guess is a good thing.

I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. It’s been a long time since I’ve really swam very much. A few weeks ago, Jennifer, Max, and I went swimming in a hotel pool, and I thought I did pretty good. But I was exhausted after my first lap today. I’ve never felt that helpless. Especially in water.

I used to be in the water all the time. When I was a kid, I think I swam almost everyday. Or at least as much as my parents would let me. I loved the water. But somewhere along the line I got embarrassed about how fat I was, and couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. So, I got out of the habit. I’ve always wanted to get back in there and swim. But having to take my shirt off in public always held me back from it.

I’m not really sure what changed recently, but I think I’m over that now. I’m not really comfortable with it. But I think I’ve realized that having my shirt on is fooling nobody into thinking I’m hiding a six-pack under there. I think seeing recent pictures of myself has finally let me see myself through others eyes and made me realize that I’m not fooling anyone. I’m fat. Everyone who meets me know it. So, what’s the difference if I have my shirt off or not? Plus, I realized that, if I don’t try some other workouts, I’m going to get tired really quickly of just walking on a treadmill. So why not go for it?

The good news is the lifeguard that was there today was really nice and gave me some advice on how to swim again. I guess I must have looked pretty helpless out there. But, it was still nice to get some advice. Plus she brought me a kick board so that it would be a little easier for me. But it was nice to have the support and help there.

So, now I just have to figure out when I’m going in next. Not sure when that will be. I was supposed to go to the Y again tomorrow, but I’m not sure my body will be up for getting out of bed. Let alone working out.

Flying

As most of you know, we flew home from Kansas yesterday. It’s been great to be home. It’s always nice to be with family. But I really miss being home in my own space. I truly am a homebody. But anyway, that’s not really what I wanted to write about today. I wanted to write about flying.

I’ve flown several times in my life. But I still get really nervous at both the take off and landing. Coming back into Portland this time wasn’t too bad. But on the way out to Kansas, when we started our decent, you could just feel the change in course. It felt like the bottom was falling out of the plane. It was one of the most unnerving feelings I’ve ever had. Just felt like we were falling out of the sky. Which I guess, technically, we were.

I’m not saying that I’m really scared of flying. Just can never really get over that feeling of, is this tin can really going to fly this time? Or is this the time that it all fails? I know it’s not really a rational fear. More than likely nothing will ever happen to me while flying. But it’s still there every time we take off.

Now that we have kids, it’s even more interesting. I have to remain calm for their sake. I need to remember to be calm and act like everything is ok. That there is no question that this plane will make it off the ground. Which is actually one of the ways that has made it easier to fly this year. Max is amazed and enthralled by both the take off and landing. So, I’m able to see it through his eyes and be happy and excited with him, and it kind of makes everything a little easier to get through.

We had another great flight though. Max actually took a nap for the first half of the flight. And Chloe slept off and on. All in all it was a pretty great experience. Just a little minor anxiety. But there’s nothing new about that for me.

I've got a lot of issues

I haven’t talked much about this topic yet. It’s not really the easiest thing to talk about really. But it’s very clear in my mind right now. It’s not really that bad of a thing. It’s just not something most people want to talk about. But one of the reasons for this blog, is to talk about things and get them out there in the open.

So, here goes…

I’m fat. There. I said it. Not that anybody who knows me doesn’t already know this. But it’s true none the less.

I wish I had someone else to blame for it. I wish there was some reason for it. But there isn’t. I’ve just plain let myself get fat. And I’m way beyond overweight. So, I’m not going to call myself that to make it seem like I’ve just gained a couple of pounds. I’m just plain fat.

Most of the time I try not to think about it. It’s easier that way. Just ignore the big fat white elephant in the room and maybe no one else will notice him either. But I know they do.

I hate seeing pictures of myself. I’ve never really liked the way I look. But to see myself now is to realize just how big I’ve gotten. It’s pretty bad really.

To make it worse, in most of the pictures of me, I’m with Max. Max has always been on the skinny side. So, the two of us together looks really strange. I’m really glad that he’s skinny. But in pictures it just seems to make me look even bigger.

It’s been getting worse ever since I started staying home with the kids. But I cannot blame it on them at all. It’s just a whole lot easier to sit at home and do nothing but eat things all day.

And I’d like to say that it’s because I can’t really get into the gym all that easily. But that’s not true. I just have to plan ahead and follow through on those plans.

Jennifer and I have a membership to our local YMCA. And with it comes two hours of child care per kid per day. But you really need to call in a week ahead to get your spot. when we started going I would use the excuse that if I called ahead, I would be taking someone else’s spot and then they would be in the same spot that I was. But that was really just me trying to get out of it.

This past week we’ve called a few times to set up times to get in this next week. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s been way too long since we’ve been able to make it in.

Plus, hopefully soon, the Weight Watchers group through Jennifer’s school, will start-up again. That really helped last year. I was able to lose 20 pounds in the last part of the school year. But I’ve gained a good part of that back over the summer.

Well, I think that’s all I’ll say about that for now. Maybe I’ll try to make this a common topic on here. I know it’s something that a lot of people struggle with. Maybe my struggles can help some one else through there’s. It may not always be comfortable, but that’s just one more reason to put it out there.

Sorry for not posting

Well, I did the thing I was afraid I would do. I went a few days without posting. But I’m not sure why. It’s not that I haven’t had the time to write. It’s more that I haven’t been in a good place mentally to write.

One thing I would really recommend not doing, is forgetting to take your antidepressants for two days in the middle of one of the busiest weekends of a family vacation.

This last Sunday, my parents and brother and sister-in-law came to Kansas, for the dedication of my daughter Chloe. Sunday morning we had a breakfast at church and I usually take my pills with breakfast. If I don’t take them with a meal, it can be kind of crazy. And I forgot to take them with me to church. So, there I was surrounded by family, on a pretty big day, about to have a mental breakdown.

By the time I got home in the afternoon, I had completely forgotten about taking them. So, I took a quick nap and then went back out for a family dinner. After that my in-laws took the kids home and Jennifer and I were able to hang out with my brother and his wife. Which was a much-needed thing. We don’t get to see each other near enough, and when we do, it seems like there is never time to just hang out with each other.

We got home pretty late and I was wired. Could not sleep at all. I laid in bed for hours, and finally went to sleep at about 5 am. Then got up a few hours later to go meet my parents for breakfast before they headed home. You can probably see where this is going. I once again forgot to take my pills and so I had another day of feeling out of my mind.

I finally took my pills Tuesday afternoon. But needless to say it’s been a bumpy few days. A lot of ups and downs.

I’m mainly writing this to tell those around me that I’m sorry if I was a little rude these last few days. I’ve been in a different state of mind. I’ve heard people say that it takes a few weeks for these meds to actually work, and that if you miss one it shouldn’t affect you. But I can tell you that I notice a huge difference if I miss one day. Not sure what it is. Could be partially mental. Like I know I didn’t take them, so I’m on edge all day. But I know things are different if I forget to take them.

I also forget to do things like write my blog post for the day. Oops.

Here’s hoping I can remember to keep on taking them and posting once a day again.

Living in the "not yet"

My son, Max, is in this stage now where there are two times when things are happening for him: right now, and “not yet.” If something is happening tomorrow or next week and you ask him about it, he’ll say, “not yet.” It can be pretty cute. It can also be annoying.

But it got me thinking. What if we all lived our lives that way? Something is either happening right now to us. Or it’s “not yet” happening, so we don’t have to worry about it yet. Maybe we wouldn’t worry so much about the future if we looked at it as the “not yet.” Instead we spend so much time worrying about what will happen tomorrow, when there is no way we can ever know what will happen and nothing we could do about it if we did.

Maybe we would sleep easier at night if all we were thinking about was sleeping that night and figuring tomorrow out tomorrow. I think there’s somewhere in the Bible that says to let tomorrow worry about itself.

So maybe we should learn to live a little bit more like a little kid and take the things that are happening now and deal with them. Then when the “not yet” things get here, you can deal with those. I’m not saying this is easy. I’m not even saying that it’s truly possible. Look at me right now. I’m up in the middle of the night because I couldn’t get this idea out of my head, and I was worried that if I went to sleep, I would forget it in the morning. So, here I am writing once again in the middle of the night, when I really should be sleeping because we’ve got a lot of things planned for tomorrow. Oh well. There’s another thing to worry about. Hope I can get some sleep now. And stay awake during all the events tomorrow.

I look forward to the “not yet” when I don’t have so much to worry about. Man will I have a lot of sleeping to catch up on whenever that glorious “not yet” gets here.

Road Trip

I’m writing this from the back seat of a minivan on our way to Jennifer’s grandparents house. I’ve spent a lot of time in cars in my life. Been on a lot of long trips.

Something about being in the road brings out this talkative side in me. There are a bunch of stories from when I was a kid and would talk for the whole trip.

There was one trip where my dad, brother, and I were driving from dropping off my mom. Before we left the people my mom was staying with told me to make sure and keep my dad awake while we drove home late into the night. My brother was asleep in the back seat. I was in the front seat and the only time I stopped talking the whole way home, was when the highway patrol pulled us over for speeding. I guess my dad wanted to get out of the car as fast as possible.

But still to this day, when I’m on long trips, I find myself more talkative. Especially if I’m driving. Some of the deepest conversations Jennifer and I have ever had have been on road trips. Something about being out on the open road slows my brain down enough to talk through things with others.

So here’s to the open road, and long conversations.

Blue Like Jazz

Last night we went to Walmart and got the movie Blue Like Jazz from Redbox. I’ve been wanting to watch this since it came out in theaters a few months ago. But I rarely have the chance to get to the movies, so I waited for it to come out on DVD. Which happened yesterday. So, we got it and watched it with Jennifer’s parents after the kids went to bed.

I have to say that I was worried about how they would turn a book  of essays into a movie that worked. Especially since the book was such a great book. I remember reading it a few years back before we moved to Oregon. His description of Portland was one of the first things that made me want to move there. And while I don’t really live in Portland now, and haven’t really experienced the parts of it that he talks about all that much, I still feel strongly connected to the spirit of Portland.

But back to the movie. It was amazing. They took more of Donald Miller’s story and wove it into a cohesive story that worked for a movie. I know they changed a few things. But with how closely Miller worked on the film, I’m confident that they kept the spirit of his life story intact.

I can honestly say it was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. And it was easily the best Christian movie I’ve probably ever seen. Even that term doesn’t seem to fit it. It is a Christian movie. But that’s not all it is. It’s a movie about truth, and the experience of finding your way in life. Which everyone can relate to.

I don’t want to give anything away to those that may not have read the book, but the final scene is beautifully done. And that brings me to the thing that I feel more Christians need to say. I’m sorry for the ways that Christians may have abused you. For the way that we seem to think we have a right to be everything in the world. For the way we’ve missed the parts of the Bible that tell us to love one another. That tell us to love our enemy and those who may not be the same as us. I’m sorry for not being a better representation of the God I love. I’m sorry for bringing shame on His name when I should be doing everything in my power to bring glory to his name. Most of all I’m sorry for any pain we Christians may have caused you. We are all broken human beings in desperate need of a powerful savior. We, as Christians, need Him just as much, if not more than those we tend to look down on. So, I wanted to take this chance and say I’m sorry.

The walls are closing in...

From my one comment on yesterday’s post, thank you Linda, plus looking at the posts that have been read the most, I think I’ll try to stick to some what personal stories about things in my life and what they make me think. Anyway…

On Sunday I had one of the strangest and strongest episodes of social anxiety that I can remember. I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m an introvert that draws energy from being alone and away from other people. It’s not that I don’t like being with other people. It’s just that it gets really tiring to have to be with people for a long period of time.

So, we are staying with Jennifer’s family and on Sunday we went to church with them. Then we went to lunch and on the way to lunch, there were some issues with my father in law’s car. So at lunch we let the kids go in the other car with Jennifer and her mom and Steve and I went the slow way to where Jennifer’s grandma lives, where we were meeting for a birthday celebration. We ended up getting there without any further car problems and so we had a couple of hours to spare. So, we headed to the nearby Barnes & Noble and spent the time there.

Then we went over for the celebration. By the time we were getting done with that it was 6 or so and we were hanging out in Jennifer’s grandmas fairly small room with 8 of us packed in there. I found myself almost not being able to breathe. It probably didn’t help that the room was hot and stuffy but I could tell that I needed to be away from people pretty quickly. The best way that I can explain the feeling, is that it felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was almost like I couldn’t breath anymore. So, I excused myself to go outside and get some air.

I’m not sure where this all comes from. I know that for the last few years it seems to be getting worse. Something about staying home seems to have intensified it. But I know that I need a little time each day to be by myself and work through my thoughts and feelings. Which is actually one of the reasons for this blog. It’s a place for me to put my thoughts. A place for me to think through things. And if other people want to read them, than great. I don’t really have any advice on how to deal with situations like this. I know for myself I usually try to get outside as quickly as possible. I try to go for a walk or something. Being outside and alone seems to refresh my spirit.

I want to make sure that I say it’s not that I don’t like people. Or didn’t like the people I was with on Sunday. It’s never that. I love people and I love Jennifer’s family. But it’s more that I can’t process things as fast as other people. Especially when I’m in a group of people. The larger the group the harder it is for me to cope.

I’m sure you’ll hear more about this. It’s one of the biggest struggles in my life right now. But I’ll leave it for now. Thanks for reading.

Posting late and a question

I’ll start off by saying I’m sorry for missing yesterday and almost missing today. This is actually why I wanted to write a little something each day. If I miss a day my mind seems to forget about it and then before I know it, I’ve missed a week or more. So, I’m still trying to write as often as I can. Didn’t really get a chance yesterday, with things planed and also some unforeseeable changes to those plans. But anyway. I’ll try and keep it up from here on out.

Today’s post is short, but I have a question for you. Then I’ll try and have a longer post up tomorrow morning.

What would you like me to talk about. Do you want me to talk about my family life, being a stay at home dad, my mental problems, my emotional problems, whatever. I’ll try and talk about whatever you want. I’m just running out of things to talk about. So, I could really use your help on this. I don’t want my posts to get boring or stale, or to seem like I’m writing the same thing over and over again.

So, yeah. What would you like me to write about?

Pictures From The Flight

I thought I’d show you some pictures from the flight yesterday as a special treat.

Successful Flight Down

So, I bet you’re all wondering how the flight went. It went great. Max was amazing. He was really excited to watch the plane take off. Then after we got in the air we pulled out the laptop and let him watch a couple movies.

He did great. Especially since he didn’t get any breakfast and we were on the plane during lunch. He ate a bunch of the little treats packets they give you. Plus on Southwest they let you take as many as you want, especially if you have kids. So we were able to get a few more and he scarfed them all down along with the banana we bought at te airport and most of the Cheerios we brought with us.

I have to say that I was really impressed with the plane we rode on too. It seemed pretty new and had more leg room then I can ever remember having on a plane. I really was impressed with this Southwest flight. All except the bathroom. Trying to take a 3-year-old to the bathroom is interesting when there’s barely enough room for you. But that’s a story for another time.

Right now I just wanted to let everyone know that the flight went really well. I’ll probably talk more about it later. But that’s all for now.

Question: Do you have any flying horror stories?

Flying for four

So, I’m writing this after only getting 2 hours sleep last night. But that’s the way I am before big things. In about 5 hours we’ll be hopping on a plane for the first time as a family of 4. It could get interesting. We leave here in about 2 hours and we still have to get a lot ready. So, this probably won’t be too long.

It’s hard for me not to think about all the things that could happen with kids on a plane. Especially with a 3-year-old who can’t sit still for more than a minute. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about how Max did amazing. I really hope so. But a bigger part of me thinks I’ll be writing about how we were those parents on the plane with the crazy kid who screamed and fought the whole time.

The hard thing for me, is that I know Max is a good kid. But he has this side to him that will drive you crazy. I think he just has so much energy that it’s hard for him to stop. We’ve got some movies that we’ll put on our laptop for him. Plus some coloring books. But it’s a 4 hour flight and we’ll see how long he’s willing to sit there for.

We could use your thoughts and prayers. I just hope that my lack of sleep doesn’t come back to bite me. Oh well. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Thank You

So, I’m a little late in getting this post out. Sorry. But that’s because I actually got a pretty decent night’s sleep. So, I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about this morning. Just feeling pretty good right now. I just wanted to thank everyone who has read my blog. It’s been great to get your comments and encouragements.

Over the next couple weeks my family is going on vacation to Kansas. I’m planning on trying to write a little bit each day still. But it might have to be a little shorter and done from my cell phone.

So, I wanted to let you all know that I really appreciate you reading my blog and commenting. Especially the comments. It lets me know that someone other then my mom is reading this. Oh, and thank you mom for reading this too. I probably wouldn’t be doing this if you hadn’t encouraged me to keep on writing. Thank you.

Dream Job

I’ve always felt a little weird telling people about what I’ve wanted to do with my life. I think I’ve always had some pretty big dreams. When I was growing up I wanted to play in the NBA or some other sport depending on the time of year. I also wanted to be a musician. I’ve always loved music and have even enjoyed writing it for times.

So, I never would have imagined myself as an extremely overweight guy in his 30’s that never touches his guitar. But that’s where I find myself. I haven’t played my guitar in so long, that when I do pick it up, it feels weird and I struggle to remember how to play. And to even attempt to run causes my heart rate to rise. If you looked at me now, you probably wouldn’t think that I used to play basketball for a few hours a day sometimes. Let alone that I would often skip lunch in high school to play longer.

I feel like somewhere along the way I gave up on myself. I stopped caring what happened to me. I also stopped dreaming. Now I don’t see myself on a stage singing to people. The thought alone scares me. I’ve always had a little bit of stage fright. But it paralyzes me now. I’ve often felt like I should try joining my churches worship group. But I never can bring myself to talk to them, because it scares me so much to think about being up there in front of all those people.

That’s actually part of what inspired me to start this blog. I needed a place to store my thoughts and to get some feedback from other people. I’m not saying that anything I say is going to be earth shattering. But I want to start doing things again. I used to dream of so many things. Now I just dream about making it through another day.

For father’s day this year I had Jennifer buy me a copy of a book called “Quitter” by Jon Acuff. I haven’t really started to read it. But it’s about starting on the path to your dream job. Writing would be my dream job. Playing music would be my dream job. Writing music would be my dream job.

So, here’s to starting a new path on towards our dreams.

Falling down and getting back up

Having kids has been a really strange experience for me. I feel like, in so many ways, I’m watching myself in Max. And that makes me so scared for him. The things I’ve been through in my life have been crazy. I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Yet I wouldn’t change them, because, as they say, those are the things that brought me here. But I’m really not looking forward to my son having to go through any of those things.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to try and keep him from most of the things that I’ve been through. But I know he’s going to get hurt. I look at him, and he’s so innocent. I don’t look forward to the first time he realizes that the world is not fair and he’s not the center of it. I dread having to pick him up after he’s lost something and have to tell him it will all be ok.

But I know that’s my job. I wouldn’t want him to get everything he wasted in life. I wouldn’t want him to be a jerk who thinks he’s the king of the world. I don’t want him to think the world owes him something. So, I guess that means he’ll have to fall on his face at some point. I just pray that I’m there to pick him up and dust him off when he does.

Sorry if this post was a little somber. Just the thoughts that came into my head, when I sat down to write.

Sleep

If you know much about me, you know that I have always had a problem with sleep. Not that I don’t like sleep. I love sleep. I just have never been able to get enough. In fact if you look at the times that I’ve been posting blogs lately, you might think that I’ve timed them to go out in the middle of the night. Unfortunately that is no the case. Every one of these blogs has been posted right after writing it.

I truly think that something is wrong with my inner clock. It seems like it’s on a different cycle then everyone else’s. I’ll be fine for a while. Than all of a sudden I won’t be able to sleep for a night. Which leads to some interesting times while taking care of the kids. But then I have to go to bed early that night. And it leads to my days and nights being switched.

Before we had kids I actually thought some of this would help me. Most of my life, I’ve been able to function on very little sleep. In college most of my papers were written in the middle of the night. It’s always been when I do my best thinking. For some reason, my mind thinks a whole lot clearer with little sleep. Maybe that’s another reason these blogs are written in the middle of the night.

But, as it turns out, kids take so much more energy to raise then sitting through a class, or stumbling through another day at work. Max is up and ready to take on the world most days at 6 AM. Before kids, the only time I saw 6 AM was on the end of an all-nighter.

Part of the problem might be that I’m a night person, and in order to be up and moving at 6, I have to go to bed way before my body would normally want to. Plus, after the kids go to bed is the only time I actually get to hang out with just Jennifer. So, it’s not like I just want to rush to sleep as soon as the kids are down. But most nights I’m not too far behind them.

Then it seems like a night will come along, and my body will rebel against this trend and keep me up. Even if I’m in bed. Than the whole cycle gets screwed up, and I’m just trying to tread water to keep up with my kids all day.

Another part of the problem is that I’m getting older and cannot go as long without sleep as I used to. My body knows this and will eventually give out. But my mind hasn’t fully wrapped itself around this idea yet. So, I go into a night like I’ve had the last few nights, where I’ve slept for a good portion of the day, and think I’ll just stay up and then all day tomorrow and I’ll be fine. I might have to go to bed a little early, but nothing major. Then morning rolls around and Jennifer and the kids are wanting to do something, and I’m a zombie sitting in the chair. So, I will eventually head to bed and then I’m up all night again.

Yeah, not a very good way to live. But until my body and my mind both realize that I’m not in my twenties anymore and need to sleep when normal people sleep, I guess this is how it will have to be.

Forming a new habit

I think I’ve mentioned before how when I became a stay at home dad, I thought I’d have a ton of time to write and explore this part of my life more. But that really didn’t work out so well. I’m really not sure where all the time goes. But there is never very much left for me, let alone the energy to really think things trough enough to write about them.

So, I would myself leaving this dream behind for a while. Every once in a while I would try to start something up. But I would always run out of steam after a little bit. Partially because I would run out of ideas and just let it go for a day or two. Then I’d get out of the habit and stop all together.

That’s one of the things I’m going to try to do differently this time. I’m trying to carve a little time out at the end of my day to just write a few words and get this ball rolling. As I’m sure you will find out, it doesn’t take much to get the ball rolling for me. I can start in one place with one thought in mind and end up in a totally different place.

So, that’s what I’m really trying to do with this blog. I’m trying to just sit down to write something up everyday. Get myself into the rhythm of writing everyday. I’m still not sure exactly what I should be writing about. So, I’ll just go along with whatever comes into my head at the end of the day. Some posts may not make a ton of sense. But that’s to be expected when they are written very late at night and with little sleep.

I will try to keep putting things up every night. I’ll do my best to make them interesting. I mainly want to let people into my world. Let others see what goes on in my chaotic mind. Maybe if I have a place to put my thoughts down, I’ll be able to sort through them myself.

Oh, and if you have any topics that you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or things that you’d like to know about me, let me know in the comments and I’ll do my best to write about them.

Thanks for reading this. It means a lot. I would love your feedback on what you think of my writing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Reckless and accident prone

Tonight, my wife, mom and I, were talking about memories of being a kid. Everything I remembered about my child were these big reckless abandon moments. I was a carefree kid who would run head first into almost any situation with a smile on my face. The problem was, that I was also somewhat accident prone. So these memories also centered around injuries that I had sustained. Like the time I slide my bike under a parked dump truck on my knee. Fun times. My mom even said there were many times that she wasn’t sure I’d make it through childhood alive. Let alone with no broken bones at all. But I did.

This brings up several thoughts for me. First off, I’m scared for Max. He’s already showing a reckless side. Plus he’s inherited a double dose of the accident prone part. This will make his childhood very interesting and eventful, I’m sure.

But, it also brings up feelings of the things I’ve lost. Somewhere along the way I lost that reckless part. Worse than that, I replaced it with an extreme fear of doing almost anything remotely dangerous. I’m not even sure when along the way I lost this part. But at some point I stopped putting myself out there. I stopped making friends. I stopped trying new things. I moved into my little box and stayed there. I almost didn’t go out on the first date with my wife, because I was so scared.

It makes me wonder how many things I’ve missed in my life because I’ve been too scared to step out and try. I’m not saying that I want to go back to that total reckless abandon. But I really do wish I hadn’t lost that crazy streak. I think life would be a lot more fun if I were willing to try new things and step outside my little comfortable box once in a while. I might fall down sometimes. But I would at least be moving and hopefully in a forward direction.

Dreams, and what's become of them

So I think I’ve decided to try to write a little on here every night. Can’t promise it will happen. But I’m going to try. It may not always be coherent either, but that’s because I might be doing it in the middle of the night while everyone else is asleep. I’m also going to be trying to keep these fairly short. I read a lot of blogs and there are a few that just seem to get too long sometimes and I just don’t feel like reading all of that. So, I’m going to try not to put you through that either.

But what am I going to write about? I’m still not entirely sure. I know that I’d like to talk about my life as a stay at home dad, but I’d also like to talk about some other things.

Tonight I think I’m going to talk about the dreams that I’ve always had for my life and where some of them have gone off track.

I can honestly say that I never thought I would be where I am today. To be honest, I didn’t even think about the future very much until I met my wife in college. I never really wanted to be a dad. I truly didn’t even know if I wanted to make it to my 30th birthday. But that all changed when I met my wife. I could see myself growing old with her. I could see myself getting married and having kids. I now looked forward to the future and what it might hold.

But there is one thing that I think I forgot along the way. Finding a career path. I’ve never really known what I wanted to do with my life. And so as I’ve grown a little older and made it into my thirties, I find myself kind of floundering. Not sure what I want to do, or what I should do.

I was working part-time at Borders when we had our first kid. There was no way that with my ever lower hours there, that I would be able to even come close to paying for day care. So, we decided that it would be best for me to stay home. I can honestly say that this was probably the second best choice that I’ve made in my life. The first being to ask Jennifer to marry me.

But at the same time, I went into it very naive and blind. I’ve always had a passion for writing and playing music. So, I thought I would have all of this free time at home watching my son, that I would just be able to write music and stories. Start a blog or two. I would eventually start making a living doing this and be able to contribute to my family finances in some way.

But, as you’ll know if you’ve ever tried to get something done with a kid around, that was next to impossible.

Well, I think it’s time for me to head to bed. Need to get some sleep. I’m sure I’ll come back to this topic at some point in the future. But that’s all I have for tonight.

Thanks for reading.

New Start To Blog

Well, I guess it’s time to get this thing started. I’m not sure how to really do that, but I’ll try and get through it. If you don’t know who I am, my name is Geoff. I’m married to my amazing wife Jennifer and am the father of two beautiful little kids, Max(3) and Chloe(7 months). I’m a stay at home dad, which means I have the most demanding job I’ve ever had in my life with the most amazing bosses in the world. Plus what other job do you get to wrestle and have tickle fights with your boss at.

I love what I do. But as you’ll likely find out, if you keep reading that is, it’s not always easy for me to do this. I’m an extreme introvert dealing with some severe depression and thrive on having a lot of time to myself to think through things. Which is not so easy with little kids running around. That might be the reason I’m writing this at 11:30 pm.

In this blog I’m going to be trying to tell my story, both past and present. It may not always be easy, and I may not share everything. But I’m going to be trying to tell things how they happen. I’ll try and add some good times in with the bad, but I’m not sure how this will all go. I’m going to try and not make this just the place I come to vent about my life and kids. I wouldn’t want to read that and I’m sure you don’t either.

Plus I love what I do. I’ve never felt better about anything in my life. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. It’s been a very hard road so far, and I’m sure there will be even more bumps along the way.

I hope you’ll come back and hear more of my story as it unfolds. It would be great to have other people along for the ride. Plus you might be able to help me figure out what I’m doing.