It's come to that point again where I can't believe I've gotten to that point again. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been here looking around and wondering what's going on. I feel so lost and so alone. Even as people start to surround me again. Nothing seems to ever change. I just keep messing things up again and again. Times like these I feel like I want to run away. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. Nothing stays the same. I know that makes no sense. It's not supposed to. I don't know what sense to make out of the jumble of things going on in my head. Nothing seems worth it right now. I'm at a point in my life where it seems that things should be set up. Things should be the way they will be for a while. Yet nothing is set up. I don't even know what to set up let alone how to set it up. As these words pour from me, I know that no one will probably read them or if for some reason I do put this out there somewhere. No one will understand it.
Every one around me seems to like me. Them seem to think that I'm good for something. At home my wife loves me and treats me good. My dog jumps in my lap and should help me be happy, but I find my self clinging to them both hoping that they will cure this pain inside. Knowing that they can't. Knowing that they don't even know this pain. Knowing that I would do anything within my power to never let them feel this kind of pain. Knowing that if I let them go, they may never come back. Sometimes thinking that might be for their best.
At church people seem happy to see me, but no one has really taken the time to get to know me. Maybe that's my fault. They all say hi and introduce themselves. I smile and introduce myself. Meeting adjourned. See you again next week. Same bat time. Same bat place. Why is it that I can no longer let anyone in? Why is it that when people do reach out to me I push them away? Why is that I feel so alone and yet can't bring myself to reach out to people?
At work they can't believe the things that I can get done. Yet they cut my hours to the point that I can't even put food on the table. All the job is for me now is an excuse to get out of the house and a chance to try and add a few dollars to the bills. But I end up spending more than I make and can't seem to reign it in. My bank probably loves me. Anyone I give that much money to probably should. I can't seem to even stay afloat.
I feel God leading me in all these directions. But no real directions on how to get there. These thoughts that pop into my head that I wish were out there are not and I feel called to do them. But have no way to do them. Or knowledge on how to do them. I've tried to come closer to God only to find my demons in the way.
I know that none of this makes sense. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. This is a glimpse at the pain that is within me. I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't even expect anyone to comment. I don't think I would. If you do read these words, I'm sorry to put you through it. You shouldn't have to wade through this river of confusion that I happen to put myself into more and more these days. I'm sorry to drop all this on you like this. What can I say. I went to write something and the floodgates have opened up and so forth came the flood. I don't even know why I'm typing this to begin with. I just know that I'm lost and alone and scared. Please look on me kindly for these words. My heart is heavy. My mind is heavy. My hands are heavy. I want you all to know that I write this not to make anyone else feel bad or to be a burden to anyone. That is the last thing that I want. I write this because I needed to get it out there. More of this may be coming your way soon. I have several topics I'd like to talk about. Hopefully not everything will be so crazy and frantic. Or make me sound like such a manic depressive freak. I'm sorry if this scared you. I didn't know it was coming either. But now that it's out it only feels right to hit the publish button and put it out there for good.
Heavy... You are right, these are heavy thoughts... But, the only way to find relief is to put them out there... So for now, thanks for sharing the heavy feelings...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Dad :)
WOW! those are heavy thoughts. It's okay to express them though. It helps me know how to pray for you. I know it it hard to know what steps to take and what to do next when we feel led in an area. I feel that way now also. God is leading us to move, but how, where, when...? My thoughts aren't as heavy as yours, but I do know that it's okay to have them and share them with others. Keep on sharing. we want to hear your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting God to lead you!!!
Love,
Mom
I don't know your pain. But I know mine. And I know a little of the experience of people reaching out but me drawing back. And I know a little of the feeling of confusion and wondering how I got myself into the place where I am.
ReplyDeleteIn our Sunday School class last week, we read a passage from Ecclesiastes that includes this statement: "But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecc. 4:10b). I underlined it in my Bible because I know that feeling so well of falling (into whatever) and no one bothering to help me up.
I'm not saying you're experiencing what I've experienced or vice-versa. I'm just saying I recognize in your words some of the feelings and experiences and junk that I have sometimes.
ef
Please know that we continue to love and care for you. As long as you are honest with yourself and those trying to help you, I believe you will find God's will for your life.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how you feel, don't give up on yourself or your situation. You are too good and worth far too much for that.
Our daily prayers continue to include you and Jennifer.
In love and support,
Cheryl
Geoff,
ReplyDeleteJust now got finished with this semester’s grades. What a relief! Now I can take the time to reconnect with the real world. So, I read your blog.
I wish I knew how to make your pain go away, but I don’t. However, I’m far enough down the road to look back at my own painful times. We waited 13 long years for Jennifer to come along and 22 more for her to find you. She was worth the wait, and so were you.
All I can say is when I just “hung in there”, God was faithful. I found that when my prayers were answered, the pain from the early years of struggle began to fade. Only then could I see that it had been worth it.
One of the things that helped me most was reading the final chapters of Job. God didn’t answer Job’s or his friends’ philosophical questions. He didn’t say that the pain wasn’t real or that Job hadn’t suffered; it was all very real. When I read the words God said to Job “Where were you ....?”, then I understood. I don’t know what will mean as much to you, I can only say that God led me to what I needed. I can testify that, when I realized that the Creator God who formed us from the dust really loved me, it was worth any pain.
We are praying for you, Geoff. We love you.
Dad Cole