Shame

[Editor's note: I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Lack of sleep and topics has led to not much writing.] I'm ashamed to say this, but I've always been very hesitant to let others around me know that I'm a Christian. I don't know why. Maybe because most of my friends haven't been Christians and I don't know how they would think of me if they knew I was. As far back as I can remember I've essentially been living two very different lives. one in church and one outside. This split personality has led to some very strange problems. I think it has led, partially at least, to some of my mental problems. Even to this day, I fear what people might think of me if they see me reading a Bible or some other Christian book. Or, if they knew that most of the time my iPod contains strictly Christian music. As far as I know, none of the people I work closely with go to church at all. maybe this whole thing has something to do with why I find it hard to get to church myself. maybe it's the fact that I'm about to have a kid. Maybe it's because I finally found a church here that I feel at home in. I don't know. but this has really been on my mind lately. I've has a strong desire to read the Bible more and have a lot of time on the bus and at work. But I always feel like I'm having to sneak the Bible to work, or grab one while while no one's watching and go to a corner to read. I know this all sounds stupid. But it's the truth. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to hide the fact of who I am. I can't deny my God anymore. It's tearing me apart. I just wish the voices would leave me alone. I just wish the self doubt would leave me.