Finding the words to speak

I've often wondered why it's so easy for me to write things that I could never say out loud in a public place.

I don't mean just the way anonymous people use their anonymity to spew hate on the internet. But more, why is it so easy for me to write things down, yet you ask me to say something in front of a bunch of people and I freeze up.

I stutter and stammer over my words.

I lose my train of thought, so easily that for me to get even a sentence out is frustratingly hard.

I'm not just even talking about talking in front of large crowds either. If it's more than about 4 people, and even then sometimes, I can't say a word.

I say this knowing full well that I will probably have to say something in front of the church this Sunday as I am leading worship again. I'm also not writing this to get out of saying anything. If anything I know that it is one of the main things I need to work on.

Two weeks ago, I lead worship for the first time. I found that during one song I was having trouble keeping up with some of the chord changes on my guitar. I couldn't figure it out, until I realized that my hand was shaking so bad that I couldn't fully get the changes in time.

Keep in mind that, for the most part, I wasn't doing anything that I don't do most Sundays. I was singing my part and playing guitar. I had great people singing and playing with me. I wasn't alone. I was just the one that was the "leader."

I had to ask the people to stand twice. Which meant I had to say two sentences in front of people. That was the only real difference from that Sunday and any other Sunday.

This has been a problem for me for a long time now. It can also show itself in a conversation with just one other person. I'm never really comfortable with talking to people.

Yet here I am able to write out page after page of things that I'm sure some people would want to talk to me about. But I can't seem to do it.

I have to force myself to just say a single word in front of anybody.

I don't really know what to do about this. Maybe taking the steps I'm taking in just saying a few things here and there in church will lead me to be a little more open.

So, if you see me sometime, feel free to talk to me. Just don't be mad if I can't seem to find the words to say.