This past Sunday we talked about the things that led to Jesus being crucified.
One of the things that really spoke to me, was about Peter being so willing to stand up and say he would die with Jesus, but then when asked, after His arrest, Peter quickly denied ever knowing Jesus.
That's where I found myself in this story this week.
How many times have I fallen on my knees before God and promised to walk with Him for the rest of my life?
How many times have I stood in front of people and promised to live for Jesus?
Yet every single one of those situations has been quickly followed by me turning my back on God again.
When I was growing up I would do this very literally.
Growing up as a pastor's son, I found myself being pulled in two very different directions.
On Sunday I would proclaim my love for God, and pledge my life to Him.
Monday through Saturday, however, I would try as best as I could to distance myself from God.
I would tell my friends that I was only even going to church because my dad was the pastor. I didn't really even want to be there. I started swearing and listening to music that I thought would prove to my friends that I wasn't a Christian.
All of this has led me into some major problems in my life. I still have a hard time truthfully proclaiming my faith to those around me. This may seem weird since I both write a blog that is mainly about my faith and play in our churches worship team.
But for me it all goes back to denying my connections to God and trying to protect my position with those around me.
I still have really found any answers of how to break away from this double life. Maybe I won't ever break this cycle. I'm trying to grow into my faith and to embrace it fully in my life.
But I know that tomorrow I will be right back to where I always end up. The voice in my head asking me if I'm one of Jesus' followers, and I'll hear my voice denying ever knowing Him.
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