God's not done with me yet

Yesterday was a pretty hard day for me.

I can't really explain what was happening, but for some reason everything just seemed to go wrong.

I couldn't sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't stop worrying about being able to play in church last night. So, instead of spoiling my wife on mother's day, I slept in and wasn't much use after I woke up. So, I'd like to first off apologize to her, and tell her that I love her and Happy Mother's Day. I can't even remember if I had the presence of mind to tell you that yesterday.

After I woke up, I practiced the songs for last night. I was leading worship so I had picked out the songs and yet had really struggled to get them all learned in the week.

While I was practicing, I had a hard time even making it through a song before either having to pull the kids off of each other, even though they were supposed to be cleaning in their own rooms, or one of them would come out to beg to be together.

I could feel a panic attack coming on, and just sat there for a bit trying to collect myself. My mind kept saying that I couldn't do this today. I couldn't possibly go to church and worship God let alone lead others in worship.

I went from yelling at my kids to singing God's praises. I limped through the songs and then went back to my bedroom to try and calm down.

Then I made it to church. I was late for practice, but I was there. At least physically. The rest of the worship team can testify to how I was not there at all mentally.

Somewhere in the process of practicing and the service God opened my eyes to see this church that He has brought me to. I can't tell you how much it meant to feel loved and supported by the people around me last night.

The sermon last night was on restoration. During it God pointed out to me the work of restoration this church has been in my life.

Before coming to Eden, I had all but given up on finding a church where I could really feel at home. I had basically become one of those husbands who's loving wife drags him to church every once in a while. I still believed in God. Just not really in His church.

But coming to Eden has restored my faith not only in the church, but in God. It is through this church that I've been able to see God's love in a new and vibrant way.

I believe this church lives out their faith in a truly amazing way. A way that I thought wasn't even really possible.

Eden Community shows God's love to those in it, but almost more importantly to those outside of it. I've seen this church focus on the mission of sharing God's love with the community around us in so many ways. I feel it truly is working to restore our world to it's former beauty.

But almost more than that I have felt this church work in my heart. I don't think a few years ago I ever thought I would be up on a stage leading worship. I couldn't think of standing up in front of others. I have felt God work in me to rebuild my heart and mind.

I know that I am far from perfect, in fact I would say that I am a horrible dirty sinner. But I also feel that God has used His church to bring about a change in my life. It will take a lifetime to get to where I want to be. But along the way I hope God will continue to use His church to shape and change my heart and mind to His will.

I hope this all makes sense. I had so many strange and conflicting emotions yesterday that I'm not really sure what to make of it all. But I wanted to let you all into my heart today.