Lent day 34

Just a word of warning at the beginning here. This might get a little long. I’m going to try to keep my thoughts on this concise. But it’s one of if not the most important thing to me, so I might ramble on a bit.

For the last few days something has been gnawing at my mind. Every time I’ve sat down to write I’ve had to push this topic down. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t fully know how to process the information and I can’t seem to figure out what I should write about it.

But this nagging feeling has been telling me that I needed to write about it anyway.

So here goes.

Last week I heard of a ten-year old boy in our town that committed suicide.

I don’t know much else about this boys story and have tried not to look too much into it, because when I’ve tried it’s brought me to tears.

I don’t know for sure if this child was depressed or what, but I do know that I was at that age.

It was around then that these thoughts of ending it all started to creep into my mind and I saw my way out of all of this pain.

At the time I couldn’t see how my being alive would make anyone life better. It sure wasn’t making my life better and I couldn’t see at the time that anyone else would really miss me.

I see now how wrong that is. I know that people loved me then and love me now.

I know that my family would have been devastated.

But knowing all of this now, doesn’t ease the pain the I felt as a child.

I can’t say for sure why I felt the way I did at that age.

Maybe it was something off in my wiring.

Maybe it was something that happened in my life.

More likely it was both.

Now as a parent I can’t even imagine what this family is going through.

I’m devastated at the thought of this child that I don’t know taking his own life, that I can’t even imagine what they are feeling.

My scripture reading for yesterday was Psalm 130.

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.
2 Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
3 If You, [a]Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared.

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait,
And [b]in His word do I hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
7 O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
8 And He will redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

I think this is a beautiful Psalm. I don’t know that I’ve ever read it before, but it really spoke to me.

I’ve cried to God out of the depths of my depression before.

I’ve begged Him to hear my cries and take away my pain.

I’ve felt the pain before.

I’ve also felt the waiting that is in this Psalm.

N.T. Wright pointed out that the writer doesn’t get an answer here.

His cries are not answered here in words.

But yet if you read the last lines you can tell that there is still hope in his heart.

He knows that God has listened to his pleas and loves him.

I really don’t have any answer today.

I just know that when you are sad or depressed it’s ok to cry out to God.

It’s ok to scream and yell at God.

His love is so big that He can take whatever you can dish out.

And know that there is hope.

No matter who you are and what you’ve done, there is someone out there that loves you.