Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it

Last week in church we sang the hymn Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing, and I wrote down the title in my phone meaning to write a post on it last Monday.

These words jumped out at me while we sang,

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.

This is something I’ve talked about before, but it hit me pretty hard while singing.

This is true of me. No matter how many times I’ve come back to God, I still seem to find my way away from Him again.

Little did I know though, that I would experience that very thing over the next week.

I can’t explain what happened.

I wouldn’t even know where to start.

I just entered into some kind of dark tunnel all last week.

I didn’t read my Bible.

I didn’t pray.

I didn’t do much of anything.

Just kind of shut down, and shut people out.

I didn’t want anything to do with even my own family.

Didn’t want to see my wife or my kids.

Didn’t want to leave the house.

Just wanted to curl in a ball and disappear.

The hard thing for me this time, is that I don’t know why.

Most of the time I can point to a situation or event that triggers these episodes.

But this time I really can’t think of anything.

One day I was feeling pretty good and the next I was spiraling downward faster than I have in a while.

All I know is that I woke up Saturday a little before noon and realized that I’d missed half of my son’s birthday and the things that my wife had planned for it.

In fact I woke up to an empty house.

I don’t know why, but this snapped me back to reality.

It’s not like everything went away right away.

I still don’t understand why this happens sometimes.

Maybe I needed a reminder that I can’t do this on my own.

That I’m not a good enough writer on my own to really do anything with.

That I truly need God to help me along the way.

Without Him, I seem to become a blithering idiot really quickly.