Confessions

I've been feeling like writing this post for a while now. Which by no means will make it easy to write or easy to hit the publish button.

The issues recently involving race have brought up some memories for me, and I feel one of the best ways to overcome some of our issues is to openly talk about our issues.

So, here goes...

When I was growing up I remember thinking that black people were cool.

I listened to rap music.

My favorite basketball player was Michael Jordan.

My favorite actor was Will Smith.

My favorite baseball player was Frank Thomas.

The last thing I thought I would be was racist.

I even had a friend in one of the places we lived that was from Jamaica.

It wasn't until I went to college at MNU that I was really confronted with race issues.

While we were singing during one of our first choir practices, I felt an arm go around my shoulders. I turned and there next to me was a big black man with his arm around me singing.

I'd like to say that I wasn't scared. But I was.

I'd like to say that I would have felt the same if it was a white guy. But I can't.

I later came to be friends with the guy and he was one of the ones that helped me get over some of the feelings that I didn't even know I had.

Later that year, I remember going back to my room and seeing three black guys hanging around my door.

Once again, I'd like to say that I wasn't scared. But I was.

I'd like to say that I would have felt the same if it were white guys. But I can't.

It turns out they were just a bunch of guys talking with one of my roommates. That year was just after Napster came out and my roommate and I would download music and burn it onto CD's with my computer. It was a nice way to make a couple bucks.

These guys would end up coming around every once in a while to say hi or ask for another playlist that they wanted burned.

I can't explain why these memories stand out so much to me. But maybe it's because it pointed out to me, that even if I thought of myself as open and caring to all people, I found out I wasn't.

Then I found out that black people are really just people.

Skin color doesn't matter.

Your upbringing doesn't matter.

We are all just a bunch of crazy humans riding along on this planet together.

If more of us just got together and talked to each other as human beings, we would find out that we are the same.

I'm not saying that race and upbringing doesn't play a factor in who we are. More that it shouldn't change the way you treat someone.

We are all in this together.

We are all created and loved by a wonderful artist.

Each of us has our different parts.

But that's what makes us beautiful.

Lord...why?

I generally try to stay out of things like this, but I don’t think I can hold it in anymore.

I spent most of the night watching coverage of the shootings in Dallas, and I can’t help but feel this sense of dread and hopelessness.

What is happening in our world that we can’t go a day without hearing of some killing on the news?

It seems like our whole world is going crazy.

My heart breaks for all of the people in our world that have to go to bed tonight knowing that someone they love has been killed.

To me this has nothing to do with race. I know that race has played a big part in a lot of the killings in the news lately. But I don’t care what race you are, if your loved one was shot and killed, it’s a tragedy.

I haven’t really wanted to say anything on this, because I’m a white middle class man. Which in this country, means I’m pretty safe.

No one is threatening my life on a daily basis.

I don’t have to think about things the same way as african-americans do.

I don’t have to tell my son to be extra careful in public or he might get shot.

But I don’t know what to tell my kids anymore.

Of course we try to keep as much of what's been going on from them.

But how can I continue to tell them the world is a great place when people are getting killed everyday for pointless reasons?

How do I explain that black people are being killed by the people I’ve told them they are to trust?

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

No matter race or creed or religion, my brother’s blood is calling out to me from across the world.

I’ve thought to pray about it, but all I can get out is, “Lord… why?”

I don’t have any answers.

Tonight I’m in a hotel room and my kids are sleeping with my in laws. I’m awake in the middle of the night because I can’t stop thinking of all of this.

At the end of all of this all I want to do is hug my kids and never let go.

Church Family

So, this week my family has been on vacation and I realized something yesterday.

I missed meeting with my church family.

I don't mean that I didn't like the church that I went to, or that it was a bad service. I actually liked the service, and it's always nice to be back at Overland Park Nazarene.

But I realized that it wasn't my church family. I missed being among the people that make up Eden Community.

I don't know if I've ever really felt this kind of belonging in a church. Definitely not since I was a kid in the churches that my dad pastored in.

I also realized that from where I stand on most Sundays, I get to see a most beautiful sight. I get to see my church worship. I get to see the Lord move in our services.

It has amazed me to see the different ways people worship God. It truly is an amazingly beautiful site.

I don't think I had realized how amazing it has been to be involved in a church until I took a vacation.

I can't wait to be back with my church family.

Prayer

Yesterday in church we talked about prayer and the power of prayer and I realized that I don't pray.

Lately I've been feeling very lost and broken and realized I never really pray about it.

For most of the last seven years I've been a stay at home dad and I found my identity there. I may not have been the most active dad, but I still knew what and who I was.

This fall though, we are looking to put Chloe into preschool. So, I find myself in this strange place now. I'm still looking to stay at home, but I have to find something to do.

During this whole time though, I don't think I've prayed about it at all. I've prayed about other things and other people's problems. But never my own.

I don't know exactly why that is. Maybe I don't feel my concerns are worthwhile. Maybe I just don't know what to pray for, so I end up not praying.

I don't know what the problem is, but I do know that I need to be praying about this. I also could use your prayers. If you have read this far into this post, you probably know me. I could definitely use your prayer for direction in my life.

I'm tired of feeling lost and alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way.

Emmanuel

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt absolutely alone. Even in a room full of people I was alone. For a long time I thought this was just going to be the way my life went. That I would always be completely alone. That there was no one who would even want to come along side me.

This has changed a little over the years. I now have a family who love me and I am rarely actually alone. But more than that I've realized that these people actually want me around.

Even with that said there are still times where I feel alone. Like no one can really understand me.

Today I was reading in Max Lucado's book The Cure for the Common Life, and he was talking about how no matter what God is with us.

It brought to mind all those times when I felt alone, but yet I truly wasn't alone. There has always been someone with me who understands me and loves me.

Lucado went on to talk about how when Jesus promised to never leave us, there weren't any limits or rules put on it.

He didn't say, "If you are good I'll be with you. If you love me, I'll be with you."

He just said that no matter where we go or what we do, He will be there with us.

If you are ever feeling alone, just remember that God is with us always. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just reach out your hand and He will be there to take it.

My Yoke

Yesterday in our service Pastor Jason was talking about how a stole is seen as a yoke put on pastors and priests. That it can symbolize the burden of God for pastors.

It reminded me of while I was growing up a few people would talk to me about what I wanted to be and several of them assumed that I would be a pastor. Both of my grandpas were pastors as well as my dad. So they thought this was just the way that I would have to go.

I do want to say that I didn't feel this from my parents. It was mainly other people who thought they knew what was right for me.

I remember one guy telling me that if I didn't I was letting my family and God down. That our family was just supposed to be pastors.

This was a heavy burden on my shoulders for a long time. I don't really know that I've ever even talked about it. But it really wore on me.

I realized yesterday that it hurt and was so hard for me, because it wasn't my yoke. It's like when David tried to put on King Saul's armor. It was too big and heavy for him, and he couldn't move.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has had this problem in life. Someone has put a yoke on your shoulders that doesn't fit. It's too heavy and too big. You can't move and you can't do the work that God has called you too.

The Bible says that God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. I don't think that means it won't be work. More that it should fit you and then you can pull against the reins and pull the burden.

God has a different yoke and burden for each of us. Trying to put on someone else's will just make it hard for you and those around you.

It's kind of funny to me now. I look at my life now and actually I do see how, while it is vastly different from being a pastor of a church, I do see myself ministering. I help to lead worship in church and I write mainly about spiritual things here on my blog.

I just had to pray and ask God to help me find the right yoke for my life.

God's not done with me yet

Yesterday was a pretty hard day for me.

I can't really explain what was happening, but for some reason everything just seemed to go wrong.

I couldn't sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't stop worrying about being able to play in church last night. So, instead of spoiling my wife on mother's day, I slept in and wasn't much use after I woke up. So, I'd like to first off apologize to her, and tell her that I love her and Happy Mother's Day. I can't even remember if I had the presence of mind to tell you that yesterday.

After I woke up, I practiced the songs for last night. I was leading worship so I had picked out the songs and yet had really struggled to get them all learned in the week.

While I was practicing, I had a hard time even making it through a song before either having to pull the kids off of each other, even though they were supposed to be cleaning in their own rooms, or one of them would come out to beg to be together.

I could feel a panic attack coming on, and just sat there for a bit trying to collect myself. My mind kept saying that I couldn't do this today. I couldn't possibly go to church and worship God let alone lead others in worship.

I went from yelling at my kids to singing God's praises. I limped through the songs and then went back to my bedroom to try and calm down.

Then I made it to church. I was late for practice, but I was there. At least physically. The rest of the worship team can testify to how I was not there at all mentally.

Somewhere in the process of practicing and the service God opened my eyes to see this church that He has brought me to. I can't tell you how much it meant to feel loved and supported by the people around me last night.

The sermon last night was on restoration. During it God pointed out to me the work of restoration this church has been in my life.

Before coming to Eden, I had all but given up on finding a church where I could really feel at home. I had basically become one of those husbands who's loving wife drags him to church every once in a while. I still believed in God. Just not really in His church.

But coming to Eden has restored my faith not only in the church, but in God. It is through this church that I've been able to see God's love in a new and vibrant way.

I believe this church lives out their faith in a truly amazing way. A way that I thought wasn't even really possible.

Eden Community shows God's love to those in it, but almost more importantly to those outside of it. I've seen this church focus on the mission of sharing God's love with the community around us in so many ways. I feel it truly is working to restore our world to it's former beauty.

But almost more than that I have felt this church work in my heart. I don't think a few years ago I ever thought I would be up on a stage leading worship. I couldn't think of standing up in front of others. I have felt God work in me to rebuild my heart and mind.

I know that I am far from perfect, in fact I would say that I am a horrible dirty sinner. But I also feel that God has used His church to bring about a change in my life. It will take a lifetime to get to where I want to be. But along the way I hope God will continue to use His church to shape and change my heart and mind to His will.

I hope this all makes sense. I had so many strange and conflicting emotions yesterday that I'm not really sure what to make of it all. But I wanted to let you all into my heart today.