Emmanuel

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt absolutely alone. Even in a room full of people I was alone. For a long time I thought this was just going to be the way my life went. That I would always be completely alone. That there was no one who would even want to come along side me.

This has changed a little over the years. I now have a family who love me and I am rarely actually alone. But more than that I've realized that these people actually want me around.

Even with that said there are still times where I feel alone. Like no one can really understand me.

Today I was reading in Max Lucado's book The Cure for the Common Life, and he was talking about how no matter what God is with us.

It brought to mind all those times when I felt alone, but yet I truly wasn't alone. There has always been someone with me who understands me and loves me.

Lucado went on to talk about how when Jesus promised to never leave us, there weren't any limits or rules put on it.

He didn't say, "If you are good I'll be with you. If you love me, I'll be with you."

He just said that no matter where we go or what we do, He will be there with us.

If you are ever feeling alone, just remember that God is with us always. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just reach out your hand and He will be there to take it.

My Yoke

Yesterday in our service Pastor Jason was talking about how a stole is seen as a yoke put on pastors and priests. That it can symbolize the burden of God for pastors.

It reminded me of while I was growing up a few people would talk to me about what I wanted to be and several of them assumed that I would be a pastor. Both of my grandpas were pastors as well as my dad. So they thought this was just the way that I would have to go.

I do want to say that I didn't feel this from my parents. It was mainly other people who thought they knew what was right for me.

I remember one guy telling me that if I didn't I was letting my family and God down. That our family was just supposed to be pastors.

This was a heavy burden on my shoulders for a long time. I don't really know that I've ever even talked about it. But it really wore on me.

I realized yesterday that it hurt and was so hard for me, because it wasn't my yoke. It's like when David tried to put on King Saul's armor. It was too big and heavy for him, and he couldn't move.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has had this problem in life. Someone has put a yoke on your shoulders that doesn't fit. It's too heavy and too big. You can't move and you can't do the work that God has called you too.

The Bible says that God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. I don't think that means it won't be work. More that it should fit you and then you can pull against the reins and pull the burden.

God has a different yoke and burden for each of us. Trying to put on someone else's will just make it hard for you and those around you.

It's kind of funny to me now. I look at my life now and actually I do see how, while it is vastly different from being a pastor of a church, I do see myself ministering. I help to lead worship in church and I write mainly about spiritual things here on my blog.

I just had to pray and ask God to help me find the right yoke for my life.

God's not done with me yet

Yesterday was a pretty hard day for me.

I can't really explain what was happening, but for some reason everything just seemed to go wrong.

I couldn't sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't stop worrying about being able to play in church last night. So, instead of spoiling my wife on mother's day, I slept in and wasn't much use after I woke up. So, I'd like to first off apologize to her, and tell her that I love her and Happy Mother's Day. I can't even remember if I had the presence of mind to tell you that yesterday.

After I woke up, I practiced the songs for last night. I was leading worship so I had picked out the songs and yet had really struggled to get them all learned in the week.

While I was practicing, I had a hard time even making it through a song before either having to pull the kids off of each other, even though they were supposed to be cleaning in their own rooms, or one of them would come out to beg to be together.

I could feel a panic attack coming on, and just sat there for a bit trying to collect myself. My mind kept saying that I couldn't do this today. I couldn't possibly go to church and worship God let alone lead others in worship.

I went from yelling at my kids to singing God's praises. I limped through the songs and then went back to my bedroom to try and calm down.

Then I made it to church. I was late for practice, but I was there. At least physically. The rest of the worship team can testify to how I was not there at all mentally.

Somewhere in the process of practicing and the service God opened my eyes to see this church that He has brought me to. I can't tell you how much it meant to feel loved and supported by the people around me last night.

The sermon last night was on restoration. During it God pointed out to me the work of restoration this church has been in my life.

Before coming to Eden, I had all but given up on finding a church where I could really feel at home. I had basically become one of those husbands who's loving wife drags him to church every once in a while. I still believed in God. Just not really in His church.

But coming to Eden has restored my faith not only in the church, but in God. It is through this church that I've been able to see God's love in a new and vibrant way.

I believe this church lives out their faith in a truly amazing way. A way that I thought wasn't even really possible.

Eden Community shows God's love to those in it, but almost more importantly to those outside of it. I've seen this church focus on the mission of sharing God's love with the community around us in so many ways. I feel it truly is working to restore our world to it's former beauty.

But almost more than that I have felt this church work in my heart. I don't think a few years ago I ever thought I would be up on a stage leading worship. I couldn't think of standing up in front of others. I have felt God work in me to rebuild my heart and mind.

I know that I am far from perfect, in fact I would say that I am a horrible dirty sinner. But I also feel that God has used His church to bring about a change in my life. It will take a lifetime to get to where I want to be. But along the way I hope God will continue to use His church to shape and change my heart and mind to His will.

I hope this all makes sense. I had so many strange and conflicting emotions yesterday that I'm not really sure what to make of it all. But I wanted to let you all into my heart today.

Drowning in conversations

This past Sunday, in our church, we talked about hospitality. This is definitely one of my weaker points I feel.

For the most part I don't feel like this is something that I'm ever going to be good at.

But during the sermon, I felt God telling me that maybe, for me, hospitality doesn't have to mean letting people into my home. That is just not something I'm really comfortable with in my life. At least for right now.

But maybe for me it should take form in how I talk to people.I would say that I'm usually friendly, and I don't think very many people would think that I could be anything but nice and friendly with people.

But I've noticed as of late, that I really only take my conversations with people to a surface level.

I've said it before on here I'm sure, but in real like, unlike here, I'm very hesitant to share anything. I'm scared to say the wrong thing, and so I don't say anything.

Part of it has to do with never really learning how to talk in a conversation. I have an extremely hard time finding my place in a conversation. So, I just stay at the surface, or I find myself answering questions, but never asking any or really giving any more information then just a quick answer.

I feel like I spend most of my conversations with people looking for a way out.

This is something I really don't like about myself.

I feel that it's led me to a place of isolation.

The thing is, that I don't believe God has called me to a life of isolation.

Maybe the way back from this self imposed island prison, is to swim into the conversations around me. Try to find my way into greeting others and finding ways to work at staying afloat.

I'll probably find myself drowning a few times. But hopefully I can keep my head above water and try and tell people about myself before I go down.

A Chaotic Jumbled Mess Of A Week

This week has been a very strange week for me. It's even hard to explain.

On Sunday, as I was on stage helping to lead worship, I looked out at our church and I saw the beautiful site of a church worshiping God. I saw and very vividly felt the Holy Spirit move into our church this past week.

I saw God in the faces of the people around me in our church.

I felt this rush go through me that I don't know that I've ever felt before, at least not in this way.

Then we had a great sermon on what worship is.

At the end of it, we gathered around in groups and discussed some questions on worship.

I stated that the main thing I struggle with in my life, is finding quiet time to listen to God. As a father of two rambunctious kids, it is so hard for me to find time where I can be alone with God's word and try to focus on what He is trying to say to me.

I had this feeling when leaving church on Sunday that I was in for a good week. I would be trying to carve out time where I could have that quiet time with God and try to hear the words He has been trying to speak to me.

All I can say is that this week has felt very chaotic and stressful. For some reason, I've been having a really hard time sleeping, and this has lead to me not being able to find rest in my life.

I can seem to sleep at night, no matter what I try, and then I can't seem to stay awake during the day.

This has lead to me feeling like I'm losing my mind.

I'm not one who usually says that it feels like the devil is trying to get me. But that is truthfully what it's felt like this week.

I prayed for silence and I got chaos.

I prayed for a peaceful mind and I got a jumbled mess.

All of this lead me to not even take the time each day to read my Bible and try to hear what God was trying to tell me.

I can't help but feel that this is exactly what the devil would want for me this week. Like I said earlier I don't like saying that. It can feel like a cop out. But it truly has felt like that this week.

Even in the times where I've tried my hardest to focus on reading the Bible or praying, I've been so exhausted that I can't stay awake.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post.

Just feel like I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head and ask for your prayers.

I feel like God has been calling and leading me in some great ways lately, but I also feel that there is a force in me and outside of me that is fighting as hard as it can to make sure that I don't achieve the things that God has for me.

Dear Lord

I was looking through some of my old songs, trying to see if anything in there was worth anything or if they were just the writings of a teenager.

I found this one song, more a prayer, that hit me hard. It is such a prayer of a young man, but I also still feel it today.

So, having forgotten how I would have sang it before, I figured out some chords and put it together. Then I decided to record it before I forgot it again.

I hope you enjoy.

I'll put the lyrics on this page below the video as well as in the video description.

Dear Lord

Geoffrey Shafer

11-1999

Dear Lord, I need your help today

I need to find my way

Through this world

God, please fall on me

God, please let me see

What I’m supposed to be

Lord, please guide me

Dear Lord, thank you for being here

Thank you for loving me

Always

God, please fall on me

God, please let me see

What I’m supposed to be

Lord, please guide me

Dear Lord, I need you here

I need to know you are near

Today

God, please fall on me

God, please let me see

What I’m supposed to be

Lord, please guide me

He Has Never Left Us And Never Will

Yesterday we celebrated Easter. The resurrection of our Savior.

We walked through the story of the two disciples on the road to Emmaus.

In this story we find that Jesus has been with us the whole time.

Even when we thought all hope was lost. He was there with us.

When we thought it was the end of all of our plans. He was there with us.

When everything seems to be going wrong. He was there with us.

He has never left our side.

We may not have always seen Him there. But that has more to do with us not really looking for Him.

It's like playing a game with a child. You pretend not to see them, even though they are right in front of you. But the whole time you pretend to be searching them out.

If you do this with a kid, after a while, they'll be saying, "I'm right here. Can't you see me?"

God is always with us. He will never forsake us.

Looking back at the Crucifixion and burial period, I'm reminded that even in death, Jesus never really left us. They could not see Him, and were frightened. But His spirit was with them the whole time.

If we could all just have our eyes opened to see Jesus moving around in our lives, we would see that He is everywhere.

No matter where we go, He has gone before us.

No matter how many times we deny Him, He will still call us His beloved.

I pray that where ever you are and whatever situation you find yourself in today, that you would feel the closeness of Jesus today. That you might feel His loving arms embrace you and feel His hand in yours.