Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

Just a quick note to let you all in on an artist that I'm amazed by right now. I hope you like the video. I'll post the lyrics below so you read them if you want. His name is Foy Vance. He's from Ireland. He's amazing. Need I say more? The video is him with the Ulster Orchestra from Belfast.

Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

She came in from the cold, wet

Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
said I need a room for the night but I don't got no money…
Will you take payment in kind?

He said ‚ it’s alright; I've got a room here you can share mine.
Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line…
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught, when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home Home Home…

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

Heavy

It's come to that point again where I can't believe I've gotten to that point again. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been here looking around and wondering what's going on. I feel so lost and so alone. Even as people start to surround me again. Nothing seems to ever change. I just keep messing things up again and again. Times like these I feel like I want to run away. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. Nothing stays the same. I know that makes no sense. It's not supposed to. I don't know what sense to make out of the jumble of things going on in my head. Nothing seems worth it right now. I'm at a point in my life where it seems that things should be set up. Things should be the way they will be for a while. Yet nothing is set up. I don't even know what to set up let alone how to set it up. As these words pour from me, I know that no one will probably read them or if for some reason I do put this out there somewhere. No one will understand it.
Every one around me seems to like me. Them seem to think that I'm good for something. At home my wife loves me and treats me good. My dog jumps in my lap and should help me be happy, but I find my self clinging to them both hoping that they will cure this pain inside. Knowing that they can't. Knowing that they don't even know this pain. Knowing that I would do anything within my power to never let them feel this kind of pain. Knowing that if I let them go, they may never come back. Sometimes thinking that might be for their best.
At church people seem happy to see me, but no one has really taken the time to get to know me. Maybe that's my fault. They all say hi and introduce themselves. I smile and introduce myself. Meeting adjourned. See you again next week. Same bat time. Same bat place. Why is it that I can no longer let anyone in? Why is it that when people do reach out to me I push them away? Why is that I feel so alone and yet can't bring myself to reach out to people?
At work they can't believe the things that I can get done. Yet they cut my hours to the point that I can't even put food on the table. All the job is for me now is an excuse to get out of the house and a chance to try and add a few dollars to the bills. But I end up spending more than I make and can't seem to reign it in. My bank probably loves me. Anyone I give that much money to probably should. I can't seem to even stay afloat.
I feel God leading me in all these directions. But no real directions on how to get there. These thoughts that pop into my head that I wish were out there are not and I feel called to do them. But have no way to do them. Or knowledge on how to do them. I've tried to come closer to God only to find my demons in the way.
I know that none of this makes sense. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. This is a glimpse at the pain that is within me. I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't even expect anyone to comment. I don't think I would. If you do read these words, I'm sorry to put you through it. You shouldn't have to wade through this river of confusion that I happen to put myself into more and more these days. I'm sorry to drop all this on you like this. What can I say. I went to write something and the floodgates have opened up and so forth came the flood. I don't even know why I'm typing this to begin with. I just know that I'm lost and alone and scared. Please look on me kindly for these words. My heart is heavy. My mind is heavy. My hands are heavy. I want you all to know that I write this not to make anyone else feel bad or to be a burden to anyone. That is the last thing that I want. I write this because I needed to get it out there. More of this may be coming your way soon. I have several topics I'd like to talk about. Hopefully not everything will be so crazy and frantic. Or make me sound like such a manic depressive freak. I'm sorry if this scared you. I didn't know it was coming either. But now that it's out it only feels right to hit the publish button and put it out there for good.

New working hours

Well, I just wanted to write a little note to let you all know about my new hours at work. As most of you know, for the last 3 months I've been working overnights and it's been a pretty hard time for me. Before this I would have told you that working nights is the best thing for me. Well, I don't know if it's that I'm a little older or that I now have things that I like to do during the day, but it was the hardest thing for me to do these overnights. I would leave the house usually around 8 PM and not get back until between 7 and 8 the next morning. I found that the hardest thing about it was wanting to spend more time with Jennifer and not wanting to leave just a few hours after she got home.

But anyway those nights are over now and I'm back onto days now. Or should I say early mornings. Now, I'm not really a morning person at all, but if it means I get to stay home and sleep in my bed at night, I'm all for it right now. I do have to leave pretty early in the morning, but it's not really too bad. I have to leave at 5 AM now. With the switch back to mornings they put me back down to only working about 20-25 hours again. With me working 4 or 5 hours a day. This made no sense to me because I felt my bus commuting time shouldn't be equal to or greater than the time I spend at work. So, I've worked it out with them that I now work 3 eight hour days a week. So, I'm working the same hours but I don't have to be there 5 days a week. They weren't too sure about this, but have gone along with it for now. They said they'd have to keep track of the store needing the shelving time before we open on the other 2 days. But I think it should work out fine. So, I start my new schedule today and I'm really looking forward to it. Not really the getting up and 3:30 or 4 but the being able to spend more time at home doing things I care more about.

Oh and the other reason I wanted to work fewer days is to spend more time on my writing. So, you may see some additions to the site. Who knows. I may even start updating you on the comings and goings of our lives out here in Oregon. I'll keep you all updated.

Speak Lord

Well, as I promised a while ago when I decided to change my blog, I'm finally going to post some of my work up here. This is something I wrote recently. I really would like to know what people think about this. You can either post it in the comments or email me. Thanks.

Speak Lord

Geoffrey D. Shafer
10-28-07

So many times I get so caught up in
The hustle and bustle of life.
Things move to fast for me to comprehend
Just what's going on around me.
I find myself lost in a world I don't know
Wondering how I ended up here.
But I can't hear a thing for all the noise
Drowns out the silence I long for.

So I close all the doors on the noise of the world
Just to hear your sweet low voice calling me.

Speak Lord for your servant is listening.
Speak Lord for your servant is listening.

I find it hard to block out everything
To hear my Savior's call.
He's not in the noise that closes me in.
He's no in the action that I see.
I long for that quiet and faraway place
Where I can focus and listen.
Lord show me how to get to that cave
So I can hear you whispering.

So I close all the doors on the noise of the world
Just to hear your sweet low voice calling me.

Speak Lord for your servant is listening.
Speak Lord for your servant is listening.

Is there a place left in this world
Where I can find peace?
Is there a place where I can stop
And talk with my Lord?
Lord lead me to that quiet place
So I can be with you.
Show me a way to block out the noise
That overwhelms me.

So I close all the doors on the noise of the world
Just to hear your sweet low voice calling me.

Speak Lord for your servant is listening.
Speak Lord for your servant is listening.

It's been over a month since I've last posted anything. I'm sorry about the delay. Things have been a little crazy around here. For the most part things are OK, or getting there, but it still feels like a lot of this is up in the air. Oh, well. Through all of this I have found a new closeness to God and new levels of trust in Him. Through some of the darkest times in these past few months, I've felt the reassuring hand of God working in my life. And through it all, I've known that things were going to turn out fine. But that's not really what I wanted to talk about here. So, I'll move on...

As most of you probably know, tomorrow is my 27th birthday. Most of you are probably saying that this shouldn't bother me. I'm still young. But it does bother me. It's been eating at me most of this week. I'm not sure why, but I feel a whole lot older the 27, but at the same time can't believe that I'm 27. I know it's not a milestone year like 30 or 20 or 25, but for some reason it has really affected me. I find myself dreading tomorrow. I know that it won't change anything, but it feels like it will. I've already gone through my quarter life crisis at 25. I've already thrown my life in the air to see where it lands by quitting jobs and ended up right back where I started. As I said at the beginning of this blog, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. But for some reason. This one day really bothers me.

I think part of it has to do with being closer to the age where I need to know what's happening in my life. At least this is how I feel. It seems that most people my age seem to have most things figured out. You've settled into a career. You're starting your family. For the most part you know where you're life is going. I don't have anything figured out. I don't have a career. Kids seem so distant to me right now. Life seems so up in the air for me. Jennifer has a career. Our friends are having kids like crazy. It feels like time has slipped away from me and I don't know what happened. My whole life I've had these huge dreams of what I was going to do with my life. Very rarely have they involved a steady and normal career. And until I met Jennifer they didn't usually involve kids and a family. 

I think part of it is the conflicting voices in my head. One says I should give up my dreams and just settle for what I have now. One says not to give up the dreams. Not to forget the things I have now, but to look instead to the dreams that God has given me. The talents that I have. The ideas being planted in my head.

I think the thing that's getting me the most about this birthday is that it's bringing both voices out louder. And with all this screaming in my head it seems hard to concentrate on anything else.

Well, anyway... If you read all of that, I thank you. I don't know if any of it made sense. It's really early or late or however you want to look at it, and sleep has been hard with the voices and all.

As I end this post, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I didn't write these things up here to cause you to worry. I just needed a place to get these things out. Hopefully tomorrow will come and go soon. Maybe my mind will calm down a little after that.

Thanks...

~gs/the walking zombie/the 27 year old who knows nothing but that God is good

The Confessions of Public Fat Guy #1

Welcome. If you are reading this by accident or because I told you about it or someone else told you about it, welcome. This will be a place for me to come and talk about my life and times as a fat guy. I will try and update it everyday, but I won't promise anything. I will give updates on what I'm doing in my mission to not be fat guy anymore. I have come to hate being fat and as most people who are fat  I'm tired of it. But this time I'm going to do something about it. I want this to be a place where I can write freely about being fat and also a place that for one reason or another, can help to keep me accountable. I will be telling of the things that I do to exercise and I will also be just talking about my life in general. But I will mainly focus on the facts of being a fat guy. 

So, to start off with. I'm about 100 pounds over the weight that everything seems to think I should be at. This morning I weighed in at a whopping 309 LBS. This is down about 6 pounds from my heaviest weight. But I'm starting to gain back the little bit that I've lost. In the past several months I've fluctuated between 300 and 315. So, I've had my ups and downs. 

I am turning 27 this coming Saturday and maybe that's what's bringing this new sense of dread and action about my weight. I feel a whole lot older than my 27 years, and I think this has a lot to do with my extra weight. I have extremely bad knees and while I do know that I've done a lot of damage to them in my life on my own, I also know that my weight just adds that extra kick to my knees when they aren't having a good day. I hear this voice in my head saying that if I don't do this now, I'll never do it at all. I don't want to spend my whole life like this. I want to get back out and enjoy life like I used to. But I can't seem to because I have to energy or strength to do anything.

So, that's a little about why I'm doing all this. Now, I'll tell you a little more about what I'm going to be doing. At least 6 days a week I'm going to be going for a walk. I started this last Saturday by walking for 15 minutes than walking back. Then today when I got home from work, I went and did the same walk again. I figured out today that it's about 1.5-2 miles total. So, I'm keeping up a pretty good pace during these walks. Keep in mind that I'm 100 pounds overweight and extremely out of shape so these walks aren't at anyone else's idea of a good pace. But they do take a lot out of me. Close to the end of my walk today I felt some severe pain in my chest. I slowed down and it went away. But it was just another sign that I really need this more than I know. Keep in mind it's close to 90 degrees out today and the sun was blazing away in the completely clear and beautiful blue sky. 

I will also be trying to add some other things into my workouts, but not just yet. I will also be making my walks longer as we go along. I might go up to 20 minutes out and then back next week. We'll see how it goes.

Well, that's it for today. Here's to no longer being the fat guy.

~pfg#1