My latest excuse

I realized tonight, that my work has become my latest excuse for why I’m not doing the things that I want to do with my life.

I always say that I want to do this or that or that I have all these ideas for things to do.

But I have always found an excuse not to.

When I was writing and playing music all the time, I used the fact I didn’t know what I was doing to try to do anything with it, or that I was working too much and didn’t have the time or energy to really do anything with it.

Then I became a stay at home dad. I told myself that I would have time to write and try to record some things on my own. But than I used taking care of my son coupled with the fact that he didn’t like it very much when I would play my guitar or sing, to excuse that fact that I wasn’t doing the things I set out and feel called to do.

Now I have a job again, and I can tell you that I’ve been pretty close to just giving up this whole dreaming thing and just try to figure out the best way to make it through the rest of my life.

But there is still this nagging thing inside of me that says I was meant to be doing something else.

I think it’s why I’ve never felt content or happy in the things I’ve done in my life for very long.

I know that those aren’t the things I supposed to be doing.

A few Sundays ago, I was playing in church that night and was practicing the music for the service. Then I found myself playing my guitar and singing for probably two hours. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a day that I felt so fulfilled and happy. Then worshiping God by helping to lead worship was the perfect end to a great day.

I need to find a way to make myself take the time to do the things that bring me joy, while still doing the things that help bring home the money.

Big project

So, the other day I had an idea for a project that would involve my writing music and Bible study. But it also would be a huge project that would take me a few years to complete.

Every once in a while ideas come to me like this and I generally get excited about it at first and than lose all interest and move onto something else.

But this idea has kinda been stuck in my head now for a few days and while it seems extremely daunting, I think I really want to give it a try.

I’m not sure what my next step will be in this project, but I’m hoping that I’ll be able to see it through.

Lunch time reflections #1

As I’ve been working again, I’ve found that some things feel vastly different for me.

I’m finding that I feel old and not just because I’m out of shape. More because I find myself among a lot of really young people.

So during my breaks and lunches, I find myself wanting to be alone and somewhere quiet. It’s not so much that I don’t like the people I work with. Just that I need that time to recharge and get away for a bit.

I’ll try to start writing some more now that in settling into the rhythm of working again. I might try and write like tonight on my lunch, since it’s one of the few times I have that I’m awake and not busy.

The light

As I’ve been working nights, I’ve noticed that towards the end of my shift as I’m starting to drag and the exhaustion is setting in, there comes a point where the sun comes up and you can see it flood in through the skylights and the front doors.

Even though before the sun comes up, it’s no where near dark in the store I realized that it makes the store so much brighter.

At first I thought it was just because that meant my shift was almost over and I was happy to be done.

But then I figured out that you can’t always see the dark until someone shines a light into it.

I know this is also true in my life.

In my darkest times, I haven’t always been able to see how far gone I was, until after someone shined a light into my darkness.

Then I can see just how dark thing were.

So, thank you to all those who have brought light into my life.

It would be a darker place without you there.

Stories to tell

This may seem like a small thing to most people, but it hit me last Friday morning as I was telling Jennifer about my first night of work, that it was great to have things to tell her for once.

I don’t like to say it, but there were times while I was staying home, that I would resent Jennifer and all of her stories about her day at work.

Not because I didn’t care about what was happening in her life, but because I had no stories to tell.

There are only so many times you can say that Chloe napped and maybe I did too, before she’s heard it and doesn’t want to hear it again.

So, it left me feeling empty sometimes to hear all the fun things she would do, and to have nothing to add to the conversation.

As I was telling Jennifer about my night, I realized why I didn’t always like hearing about her days.

It was a great feeling to finally have stories to share and I can’t wait share the things I’ll learn with all of you too.

You are not alone

As anyone who reads this blog very often knows I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life.

I found this video this week and it really spoke to me.

I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

Things I’ve learned

Over the last 10 days, I’ve taken time to write  some of the things I’ve learned over the last 10 years of being married.

One of the things that I’ve learned over the last few days is that I truly know nothing.

As I’ve thought about each of the things that I wrote about I realized that only being married for 10 years really doesn’t give me much right to talk like an expert.

I look at the people in our lives that have been married for so much longer and I think that I don’t have a right to speak on these things.

But then I realized that, while I may not be an expert on it, I can still speak to the things that I’ve learned.

I can only hope that over the next years I will continue to learn from the things life sends our way.

The main thing that I have learned is that I love my wife and family and I wouldn’t want to be on this adventure with anyone else.

1. That I want to grow old with her

This kind of sums up everything that I’ve said over the last 10 days.

Before I met Jennifer I didn’t see a future.

Now there is nothing more I want in this world, than to spend the rest of my life beside this beautiful woman.

She truly has changed my life and continues to bring nothing but pure joy to my life.

I’ve seen the love with our parents and grandparents grow over time, and I can’t wait to be that old couple walking down the street hand in hand.

She truly is my other half, and I would be lost without her.

2. That expressing oneself in a loving relationship can bring you closer

One of the things that I’ve learned over the last 10 years, is that as we’ve learned to talk to each other and learned how to show our love to each other, we’ve grown closer and closer.

It seems like there are times where we don’t even have to say things to each other for the other one to know what we mean.

It’s brought about a great sense of closeness in our relationship.

I know that we have only been married for 10 years, and that truly isn’t all that long.

But there are times where it feels like we’ve known each other forever.

There are times when all she needs to do is smile for me to know what’s she’s meaning.

I know that this bond will only grow with time.

3. That no matter what culture says, being with one women for the rest of your life is amazing

Culture would tell us that it’s boring to be with only one person for the rest of your life.

I know that I’ve only been married for 10 years, but I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

Waking up next to Jennifer has been one the best things in my life.

To look over and see her beautiful face so peaceful and resting.

I’ve fallen in love with Jennifer in new ways all the time.

We fell in love in college, when things like family seemed so far away.

Then I fell for her as my wife as she became my other half.

Then we had kids and I fell in love with her as a mother.

But most of all since our relationship started, she has been my best friend and my confidant.

She truly has been a gift from God in my life.

One that I know I didn’t deserve.

4. That all it takes is a smile to make a day better

I can’t count the times that I’ve been having a horrible day, and just feeling down, and all it takes is for Jennifer to smile at me to turn things around.

Does a smile make all of the worlds problems go away? No.

Does it truly change the bad situation or mood that I’m in? No.

But knowing that someone loves me changes my mindset.

It’s starts things onto the track of getting better.

It changes my whole outlook on life.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve had some rough times.

But my wife’s beautiful smile has changed my life.

5. That hiding feelings doesn’t help anybody, including myself

This kind of goes with yesterday’s post about arguing.

But I think it’s important on its own.

Mainly because you need to learn to express your feelings and opinions openly, in order for your relationship to work.

I can tell you from my own experience that when I’ve kept my feelings bottled up is when I’ve had the most problems in life.

If you keep it all in, it won’t take much for your bubble to burst, and then the devastation that you can cause is multiplied.

I think this even goes beyond disagreements and arguments.

There have been times in the last 10 years when I’ve felt like Jennifer and I were just roommates.

This all stems from us keeping our feeling and emotions to ourselves.

In order to live with another person, you both have to be willing to share yourselves with the other person.

6. That arguing doesn’t mean fighting and doesn’t mean you hate each other

Whew that’s a long title.

But it’s true.

I haven’t always been very good at communicating with other people.

Some might say it’s my biggest fault.

I find it very hard to get my point across without just getting mad and shutting down.

This is true in my work life as well as my marriage.

After getting serious with Jennifer, there were several times while we were dating that I was pretty close to ruining the whole thing, and most of it came back to my lack of communication.

I really had to be taught that we could argue and still love each other.

We could disagree and still love each other.

We could talk things through and still love each other.

Not every argument means it’s the end of the world.

When you love someone, you need to be able to communicate with them how you are feeling without getting too angry.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this.

But with Jennifer’s help, I’m getting better.

7. That I can be a good dad

Once again, this goes along with yesterdays, but it is a different point for me.

This one really took a while to sink in, and in some ways I’m not really sure that it has all the way.

But one of the things I’ve learned is that no one is perfect, but that you can always try to be good at what you are doing.

I know that I had a lot of fears going into my time as a stay at home dad.

Would I really be able to handle a kid on my own for most of the day?

Was it wise to leave a kid home with me?

After all, I barely felt like I could take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of this crying screaming hungry little thing?

But Jennifer helped me to realize that I could do it.

Like I said above, it was never about being perfect, just doing everything that you can to take care of these precious gifts you’ve been given.

8. That I want kids

This kind of goes along with yesterdays, but adds a whole other layer to it.

Even when I saw that I wanted to live, I still wasn’t sure about having kids.

It always seemed like such a burden, and I really just didn’t think that I would have the patience for it.

Not too long into our relationship, I was helping her watch the kids that she was a nanny for, and I realized that I would love to have and raise kids with the woman.

I still thought it would be hard and maybe even horrible at times, and it is.

But I can tell you that I wouldn’t want to be raising kids with anyone other than my beautiful wife.

9. That I can have a future

It’s not always something that I like to talk about, but in my teens and into college, I really didn’t see a future for myself.

I kinda wanted to live like a rock star and then die before 30.

It was shortly after I met and feel in love with Jennifer, that I realized that maybe that wasn’t all there was to life.

That maybe I could live a little longer and spend my time with someone who made me feel like I could do anything.

Jennifer has always seen through the walls that I put up to keep people out, and wasn’t scared of the persona I portrayed.

She has always brought out the best in me, and part of that, was showing me that I had a reason to live.

10. Let the countdown begin

As Jennifer and I are approaching our 10th anniversary, I thought I take some time to talk about the things I’ve learned in the past 10 years.

I’ve picked 10 things and will countdown the next few days until our anniversary with one topic a day.

So, here goes…

10. That as much as I like to be alone, I still need people.

This may seem kind of obvious to most people.

But for a long time I truly thought that I didn’t need other people in my life.

That I was fine on my own and could totally take care of myself.

Needless to say, that is far from the truth.

But I’ve especially found it amazing to be able to have someone by my side in all of the adventures that we’ve encountered over the last 10 years.

I know for a fact if I didn’t have her in my life, pushing me to do new things, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

My Dog Buddha

(Buddha back in 2006 with some blonde, around the time he realized even though he wanted to be a lap dog, most laps aren’t big enough for him.)

Today is our family dogs tenth birthday.

Before we got Buddha, I always thought of myself as a cat person, and only really ever thought I’d want a cat as a pet.

I still think cats can be great, and some of the cats I knew growing up were just as loving as some dogs.

But now I’d have to say that I’m a dog person.

I remember when Jennifer and I were thinking about getting a pet, we went to the pet store and were looking at some of the dogs and I kept trying to get her to look at the cats.

If I remember correctly we played with him one day and then said we’d think about it, I really wasn’t sold on the whole having a dog thing.

We came back the next day to look again, and it seemed like he recognized us and got really excited.

Then I started to walk away to look at the cats and he barked at me.

That’s the moment I was sold on him.

He chose me, and even after we brought him home, he was pretty much inseparable from me for the longest time.

I can’t say that I’ve always liked having a dog, but I can tell you that the love he has shared with me has brightened my life these past 10 years.

Adjusting

So, as I’ve written before, I’ve started a new job, and things have been picking up with that.

I’ve done most of my training and things are going good.

But if you read this often, you have probably noticed a lack of posts as of late.

I’m trying to find the time and energy to write.

But most days right now my brain is just too tired.

Hopefully soon, my body will get into a little better rhythm and I can get back to writing more often.

Until than, I hope you understand, and I will be posting as often as I can.

My Own Faith

So, yesterday I talked about your worldview growing as you explore further out and it brought to my mind my journey in faith.

When I was born, I was born into a Christian family and have known God my whole life.

But as I look back now, as a child I had inherited my parents faith and belief system.

Not that this is bad or that their faith is wrong, just that it wasn’t entirely my own as a child.

Then I went off to college and lost my faith for a little while, or maybe it would better be said that I tried to deny my faith.

Then as I found myself at the ends of my rope, I looked around and I found God right there with me.

This changed everything for me.

Once I had met God for myself, I made my faith my own.

I have discovered that a lot of my faith is still the same as my parents, but that it is no longer theirs but mine.

It has become a personal relationship as opposed to a relationship through my parents.

I believe that this is the journey in so much of life.

You can be taught whatever you want to be taught.

But until you believe it for yourself, it won’t be true in your life.

World View

I’ve been thinking a lot about new beginnings and new starts and it keeps bringing to my mind they way I feel when I move to a new place.

I’ve noticed that when you move somewhere new your worldview is just the surrounding areas.

Like when I moved to Olathe, KS for college, all I really knew was the college.

Then as I started to explore more my world grew and grew.

I now knew where the Walmart was, and the Borders, and some other places.

Then I met Jennifer, who grew up in Olathe and her knowledge of the area expanded mine rather quickly.

She could take me places that I didn’t know where there, and it was like writing new places on my map.

I’ve realized this is the way life is in general.

You are born with your family and only know them and as you grow your world expands to include others around you.

Not sure what all this means.

Just some thoughts I had tonight.

A New Chapter

I find myself nearing the end of this chapter of my life.

I realize that not everything will change, I’m still a husband and father and the general state of life will be the same.

But at the same time so much is about to change this summer.

I start my new job on Thursday, Jennifer has a new position, Chloe is starting in day care, and Max starts kindergarten in the fall.

It seems that so much is up in the air right now.

Transitions have never been my favorite thing.

But I’m hopeful that things are working out for the best, and that God is at work in all of these changes.

I’m praying that as we close this chapter of our lives, we will greet the next chapter with the joy that comes from God’s love, grace, and mercy.

To My Father

Thank you for showing me how to be a man, a husband, a father, and above all else a follower of Christ.

I remember waking up early in the mornings and seeing you sit in your chair reading your Bible and doing devotions.

I remember the words spoken from the pulpit that you may have thought I slept through.

I remember the playful times wrestling around and playing.

I remember laying on top of you with my head on your chest and hearing your heartbeat.

I remember the love and support that you’ve always shown Mom, Shawn, and me.

As I’ve become a father my view on everything has changed so much.

I hear your voice coming out of my mouth and I see you in the mirror.

Holding my kids brings back the memories of all the times you were there for me.

Thank you for being my dad.

Thank you for love me.

Thank you for loving our family.

Thank you for setting a Godly example of how to live.

Thank you.

I love you Dad.

Saturday Share: You Have Me

I’ve written before about Gungor.

But this song has been really speaking to me lately.

Thought I’d share it with you.

Hope you enjoy.

The Borders Years

(First off, sorry that I didn’t post last night. We had a power outage for a few hours yesterday and by the time it came back on, I was tired and trying to go to sleep.)

Between 2001 and 2009 I worked at Borders, other than a little while where I tried and failed at being a used car salesman.

I find when I think of good memories of working, most of them took place during this time, I loved working at Borders.

But I think my bank account still suffered, but this time because I was surrounded by new worlds of words and sound that I felt the need to explore.

I find that the biggest thing I really took away from my time at Borders was my love of reading.

As I was growing up I hated reading and always thought of myself as a bad reader, so I just tried as hard as I could to avoid it.

Shortly after starting I heard everyone obsessing over the Harry Potter series and so on a whim I decided to take a chance and crack a spine.

So, basically what I’m saying is that I owe my love of reading to a boy wizard and the beautiful people who I worked with that opened my eyes to transportation system known as books.

My First Job

Preparing for my new job has gotten me thinking about some of the jobs I’ve had in the past, and also brought up a crazy thought.

I’ve really only worked at two different places in my life and it shows this strange symmetry when you look at it.

I got my first job when I was 16 at the Wal-Mart in Pierre, SD and I was completely unprepared for the influx of money that came my way.

All of a sudden I had money and could buy whatever I wanted to buy, and believe me, I did.

I would pretty much spend every dime that I earned by the time the next paycheck came along.

This has been a very hard habit to break and something that I’m truly still working on.

Hopefully I’ll learn to save some money with this next job.

It gets pretty tiring to live from paycheck to paycheck, especially with four mouths to feed.

My Better Half

I wanted to take this chance to thank my wonderful wife for all that she has done these last years to support our family.

I know that it hasn’t always been easy to take on the responsibility of support us and that it has made things a little more stressful on you then you needed.

But you have been amazing these last few years.

Not only have you taken on the responsibility of bringing in the money but you’ve never made me feel like I wasn’t helping support the family too.

You truly are an amazing wife and mother on top of being an amazing teacher and friend.

Once again, thank you for all that you’ve done and all that you are doing to help me adjust to these changes in our lives.

New Post

So, I thought I’d take today to update my readers on somethings that are changing.

I got the call earlier today confirming that I now have a new job and will be starting orientation for the Wal-Mart going up just down the street from us.

It’s been a long process of trying to find the right job for me this last little while, and I really think this will work our well for me.

I’ll be working overnight, which if you know me, is my preferred time to work anyway, plus it will give me a steady schedule that will allow me to take the kids to school or preschool before going to sleep.

This schedule has always seemed to work out best for my sleep schedule, seeing as I always seem to sleep better in the day than at night anyway.

At the same time, I’ve very nervous about starting a new job, and will have to adjust my role at home and with the kids.

All I’ve known for my kids whole lives is being home with them, and I’m a little nervous about what this change will bring with it.

Please keep us in your prayers during this transition time, I think it’s going to be tough on all four of us.

A New Song

A while ago we played the song Beautiful Things by the band Gungor in church.

I’d heard of them, but as far as I can remember, I’d never actually listened to them.

This song blew me away as I learned to play it for church.

Since then I’ve listened to a lot more of their music and can say that their music has definitely been ministering to me.

The truths that they sing have spoken to my heart in ways that most worship music hasn’t for a while.

I find myself singing some of their songs, especially Beautiful Things, as prayers now.

Living on enough

A while ago I found this musician named Shaun Groves, and I felt so connected to his lyrics and singing style.

Then I didn’t hear anything about him for a while.

Turns out he kinda left the Christian Music Complex behind and was focusing most of his time and energy into fund-raising for Compassion International and blogging.

Since finding his blog I’ve been so impressed by the way his longs to live on enough.

He talks about how in the Lord’s Prayer, we are instructed to prayer for our daily bread, not bread for the week, but just enough to fulfill our needs.

In a world that calls for us to hoard riches and things, it’s a good reminder to not strive for what others have, but to be satisfied with the gifts God has graciously given us.

Influences

There is a musician/writer that I follow online named Carlos Whittaker.

He has really influenced the way that I write my blogs and what I write about.

He has given me the courage to be very truthful in my struggles with depression and anxiety as a whole.

From him I’ve learned that sometimes it’s not the length of the post but the content in it that matters.

For a long time I felt that I needed to do huge articles and that I needed to spend hours pouring myself into posts.

While I still feel that I pour myself into my posts and that long posts still have there time and place, I’ve also learned that sometimes a truth stated simply is more effective than a thousand word essay on the topic.

Sharing Saturday

So I thought I’d take this chance to share a blog that I’ve read lately that I thought my readers would enjoy.

It’s written by a girl I went to college with and is a great take on Frozen.

I have to say that I love that movie too, and as somebody that suffers from depression and social anxiety her post really hit home with me.

I haven’t been able to watch Frozen the same way since reading it.

Click here to go to her sight and read it.

Rhythms

I seem to have gotten out of my normal rhythms lately.

I had a pretty steady schedule for the last few months with the things that I been doing in the day, but sometime this week, it seems that something has been off.

Maybe it’s my sleep cycle being off, or just something else is off, I don’t really know.

But it just seems that something has been off.

Which might explain how I didn’t write anything yesterday, and how today it was really hard to even think of something to write.

Maybe next week I can get back in my rhythms and get back to feeling normal again.

Ripping off the band aid

So Max fell down at school yesterday and has a couple pretty good scrapes to show for it, as well as the accompanying band-aids.

Tonight as we were putting him down for bed, we were trying to get him to take off the band-aids so that the wounds could breath and heal, but he was fighting us with everything he had.

No matter what we said, he would not consider taking them off (Even with the bribe of ice cream afterwards).

It got me thinking about how in our own lives we don’t want things to change or be different because it might hurt or be hard.

No matter how much we know these things might need to happen for our own good we fight with all our might.

In the end sometimes it’s best just to rip off the band-aid and move on with life, especially if ice cream is involved.

Using Talents

For a long time now, I’ve resisted the urge to be a part of the worship team at the churches we’ve gone to.

I’d like to say that the size of the churches or stage fright were the only things keeping me from following through on this calling.

But I think in reflecting over the weekend about Friday’s post, I came to realize that I also really didn’t want to give up one of the most meaningful times of worship that I have.

I’ve always found so much beauty in music, and when it came to singing in church, I found it to usually be the way that God would speak to me the most.

I was afraid that if I was one of the people leading the worship, that I would not be getting the full experience of worship that I was looking for.

But what I have found, is that by using the gifts and talents that God has entrusted to me, I’m actually more engaged in the worship and have found it to be more worshipful than I could ever have imagined.

Finding a Church Home, Part 3

As I said in part 1, one of the reasons that I didn’t feel comfortable in some of other churches was because I wanted to be a part of the worship team, but being very shy and not liking to be in front of people, having big churches just never seemed like a place I wanted to play.

It’s true that Eden is smaller than most of the other churches we’ve been going to lately, but I think there is more to why I’ve felt comfortable joining the worship team so quickly.

For one, I was kind of volunteered to be a part of it, or more I was mentioned to the worship leader a little before I was planning on talking to him, but the more I’ve thought about it though, I kind of think this was the perfect way for me to be introduced to it all.

There was never any pressure to do it, nor has there been any pressure to be some amazing guitar player or singer.

It’s just been a very natural journey to doing a little more each time and has never felt too overwhelming.

It’s just made it feel even more like a home for us, that we can and want to be a part of this beautiful growing community.

Finding A Church Home, Part 2

I’ve often found that when I’ve been in a large church I just feel like I get completely lost in the crowd.

A few of the churches that we’ve tried lately, barely anyone even knew our name and if we weren’t there, it seemed like no one would even notice.

As much as I’d like to say that I like being a part of the crowd and not being noticed, it did bother me.

Plus by the tenth time you’re meeting the pastor and he still acts like it’s the first time, it’s a little off putting.

That’s not to say that the churches we went to weren’t good, or that we didn’t have friends at them.

But it’s been really nice to walk into church and know that people remember me and are glad to see me.

Finding A Church Home, Part 1

I know yesterdays post was a little short and didn’t really go into any detail about why we feel so at home in our new church, so I thought I’d take the next few days and talk about it at a little greater length.

Since moving to Oregon, there have been several times where I can honestly say we, or especially I, didn’t go to church on a regular basis.

There are many reasons, but the main one was that I never really felt like the churches we went to were places I really wanted to go.

This is not to say that these were bad churches, or that we didn’t have churches that we liked during this time, but more that I never felt like these were places God really wanted us to be.

One of the main reasons for me, was that we were in some bigger churches and it just always seemed so easy to get lost, plus I’ve felt God calling me to be a part of the worship team, but the thought of getting up in front of that many people freaks me out.

I’ll try to break these two main reasons down more over the next couple days, right now I need to think about them a little more.

Church Home

This past Sunday I was thinking about my families journey to find a church family that we feel we really fit into.

Both of us grew up in the church and specifically the Nazarene church, but had failed to really find a place out here that we really felt was right for us.

I don’t really know why we hadn’t tried out Eden Community before, seeing as we knew several of the people who go to it.

I think it was really about the half hour trip each way that we would have to make.

But I’m so glad that we decided to try it out a few months ago, because I have never been in a church where I felt so at home.

It was like from the moment we walked in the doors, we were family and belonged there.

Another Page

Sitting here looking at this blank page has always been one of the hardest things I’ve done.

The cursor sits there mocking me like the voices in my head.

Telling me I can’t or shouldn’t be doing this, that I have no right to give my opinion on anything.

So I just start hitting the keys and let the words flow until the voices and cursor are quiet.

Not all of it makes sense, not all of the words stay on the page.

But I press on and then another post is done.

The Lord's Prayer

As I’ve been thinking about prayer this week, I’ve been reminded that usually when I need to pray about things I return to the Lord’s Prayer.

At times I’ve tried long-winded prayers where I lay everything out, and at times this has been good, such as when I’m baring my sins and my shortcomings.

It’s not so much that God needs to hear them from my lips, but more that I need to say them out loud so I know what I have done and the things I need to work on in my life.

I’ve also used music and hymns as my prayers before, but found that it’s hard to always remember words wherever I am and haven’t always been able to get to music to listen to it.

But I always seem to come back to the Lord’s Prayer, because I’ve found it to be the most complete expression of everything I need to say in a prayer.

It starts off with praise and thanksgiving and then forgiveness, while only asking for what we need according to his plan and will, which has always seemed like the proper approach to prayer to me.

Clarification On Prayer

As I said a few days ago, I don’t believe a lot of Christians have the correct view on prayer and how it works.

This is definitely not to say that I think it doesn’t work or that we shouldn’t do it often and about both the little and the big things in our lives.

In fact, I believe that we should live our whole lives in prayer, praying in all things that we do, that God would lead our steps and our words.

I only have a problem when we ask for things to be prayed for in a very general sense that we think if we get enough people praying for us it will all work out the way we want it to.

I believe that we should always prayer for God’s will to be done in all things, whether that lines up with my will or not.

Hopefully as we live our lives in prayer and conversation with God, our will will bend towards his will and not our own.

The Little Engine That Could

I was reading The Little Engine That Could to Max as a bedtime story and I realized something during the reading, it is basically a non-violent version of the Good Samaritan story.

The ones that should and could help feel that is beneath them, while the one that isn’t sure if he’ll even be able to do anything, helps out.

I think mostly when I’ve read the story, I’ve focused on the fact that he didn’t know if he could do it or not, but he still tried anyway.

But tonight it hit me really hard that the trains saying no to helping the broken down train, were more than capable of helping, but just didn’t want to.

I guess maybe I’m just thinking of hospitality and helping others in a different way this week.

May I be as willing to help those around me even when I’m not sure I can.

Prayer

I’ve always wondered if prayer really works the way we think it does.

We always ask for prayer when things are happening in our lives that we are worried about or are just need some help with.

But for me it’s always felt a little weird to say, hey please pray for me on this thing I have coming up.

It’s not that I think prayer doesn’t work, just that I don’t know if it works the way we want it to or think it does.

I think we look at it as a vending machine that will just spit out whatever we ask for, I just don’t think it works that way.

(Needless to say, I could really use your prayers for tomorrow afternoon. I have a job interview.)

Hospitality

At church yesterday we talked about hospitality and what that should me as Christians and as a church.

This brought up some hard things for me, because I’m not always the most hospitable or welcoming person.

I’ll generally be nice and I would like to think I would give things to people if they were to ask, but I struggle with the whole giving of my time and attention or my space.

I’m a fairly private person, and the thought of my friends or other people invading my space always scares me.

It was a very challenging sermon and one that I’ll think I’ll be struggling with for the rest of my life.

Hopefully through prayer and patience God can help me to be a more hospitable person.

A question

For those of you that read this blog, I have a few quick question for you.
I would greatly appreciate any answers you can give me.
What do you like about my writings?
What kind of writing do you want to see from me?
What could I do better?
Thank you for any answers you can give me.

Mentors

Yesterday I thanked the teachers in my life and that got me thinking about how there have also been a lot of people in my life that have been teachers or mentors to me in ways that had nothing to do with classrooms.

These are people who come along beside you and take an interest in you and your life, even when they don’t have to.

They put themselves into your life and find ways to help you learn how to live a good and wholesome life.

Once again there are too many to name here, but I just wanted to tell them all thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your words and time have changed my life and so many others around you. Thank you.

Hey teachers

I thought since this week is teacher appreciation week, I’d take a blog post to thank all those wonderful teachers in my life.

There have been way too many to name them all, plus most of my family are teachers, so I won’t go into detail here.

In a job that can be entirely thankless at times and horribly hectic at others, these teachers take time to care about their students and love to see them grow and learn new things.

So, to all those teachers out there that work long nights and can’t turn their brains off of the classroom work during the off times, thank you for all you do.

My Princess

Two years ago, a princess came home to live with us.

She has this amazing ability to be both a girly girl and a tomboy at the same time, with a bow in her hair and bruises all over her legs.

Her smile melts my heart and I have been wrapped around her finger since the day she was born.

Her hugs bring light to my hardest and darkest days.

My beautiful princess, I pray that you will always keep your sense of adventure and joy throughout your whole life.

My Maxman

Just wanted to take a minute and tell you about this little guy.

He might just be the best thing to happen to me, or at least one of the best.

He is my playmate, friend, fellow mischief-maker, snuggle-bug, little man, etc.

He made me a dad and it’s been the best five years of my life.

I love you Maxman, thank you for all the joy you’ve brought to my life.

The Avett Brothers

Yesterday I talked about my best friend being music, so I thought today I would share with you the group that has been with me through the most these last few years: The Avett Brothers.

I have yet to hear a song by them that didn’t evoke some deep emotion for me, be it happy, sad, funny or anything in between or all of the above in one song.

I would listen to them on my long bus rides to work and it would make the trips seem at least survivable.

There is something beautiful in their harmonies and the lyrics are some of the most beautiful I’ve heard in my life.

You've got a friend in me

This may sound a little strange, but music is my best friend, and truly always has been.

It has been there through heartaches, headaches, pains, joys, and everything else I’ve been through.

I turn to it when I need advice, or when I need to feel better.

No matter how I’m feeling, I know I can find a song that well help my mood.

A light into my darkest hour

Right after high school, I went off to South Dakota State University in Brookings, SD, for one of the worst and best few months of my life.

While I was there I tried to distance myself from God in any way I could, even to thinking of myself as an atheist.

But as a kid who’d grown up in the church, I made the nearly hour drive most Sunday mornings to be in the nearest Nazarene Church.

While I was going through some of the darkest and lowest times in my life, Pastor Keith Bundy and his family, shined a light so that I could see.

I don’t know if they had any idea what they did for me in those few months, but they literally saved my life.

Keith’s sermons showed me God in church, and he and his family showed me God outside of church by inviting me into their home.

I can never truly thank them enough for the gift that they gave me in those few months, but I don’t know if I’d be here without them having been in my life.

The boss

I mentioned last week that I had the best job in the world, well today I want to tell you about the bosses at this job.

They can be the bossiest, loudest, most obnoxious bosses I’ve ever had the privilege to work under.

But they also give the best hugs and make life just a better experience all around.

I can’t imagine that there is a better boss in the world then the ones that boss me around on a daily basis, plus when, they get too cranky, I can always put them in a time out.

Teach your children well

I remember growing up, I always loved writing, but I always looked to other things as my main source of income.

Then in my freshman year of college at MNU I had Professor Ream for Freshman English.

She really inspired me and showed me that I might be good at this whole writing thing and maybe it could work as a career.

She took an interest in me, and I don’t think it was just because I was her sons roommate, and she showed me the potential that I had.

You may say that I'm a dreamer

I always thought of myself as the black sheep of my family, not so much because I’m a bad kid, more that I didn’t always feel like I fit in.

But as I’ve grown up, I think it’s just that I’m a dreamer, so my mind is always elsewhere.

I’ve somewhat always had my head in the clouds, and it’s only lately that I’ve realized that maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Without me dreaming of what might happen, I’m not sure that I would have ended up where I am, with a beautiful wife and the greatest job of them all, being a dad to two beautiful kids.

My Brother

Growing up with a brother wasn’t always the most fun thing in the world, but I do remember it being great to always have a friend no matter where we moved.

Someone to play games with on long car rides, even when that game was annoy mom and dad or stay off my side of the car.

But it’s been great to see how similar we are as we’ve grown and to see our wives get along so well.

I don’t take the time to say this enough, but I love you Shawn, and you were the best big brother I could have asked for.

Mother

What else is there to say about my mother, other than I love her.

I remember all those late nights where I couldn’t sleep and you would rub my back and listen to all of my ridiculous teenage drama.

You never made me feel like I was a blithering idiot as I went on about crazy things that I look back on and cringe.

You took care of me when I was sick, lifted me when I was down, and on a day like today when I’m down and sick, that sounds like the gift of life.

In My Father's Eyes

It wasn’t until I became a father that I truly understood the joy and pain that being a father can bring, and I can honestly say that I look back at my own father in a whole different light now.

I see now that he loved me the best he could and did the best job of raising me that he knew how to do.

He always pointed the way back to God and showed me what it meant to be a devoted husband and father.

I only pray that I can do as good of a job with my own kids.

On Grandpa's Knee

I remember few things more clearly and fondly from my childhood than sitting on my grandpas knee.

The feeling of being loved by these Godly men has brought me comfort throughout my life.

I remember the feeling of hugs from my grandpas, with their prickly five-a-clock shadow scratching my face.

There is nothing more joyous than knowing you are loved.

I got you babe

These past two days(Wednesday and Thursday) Jennifer has been working 13 hours days for parent teacher conferences, which means I’ve been taking care of the kids pretty much from when they get up until they are in bed.

I’m sorry to all the parents who have to do this whole parenting thing on their own.

It’s made me realize that I could never do this alone, I’m so glad to have a beautiful and amazing partner in this whole parenting thing.

She makes this whole thing possible.

I fell in love with a girl

Thirteen years ago, I fell in love with a girl who I truly didn’t see coming.

She saw through all of my masks that I put on to keep the world out and took a chance on me.

She changed my life completely and I’ll never truly be able to thank her for seeing something in me that even I didn’t.

She is the light of my life and the reason I saw a future for myself in the first place.

Count Your Many Blessings

Of all the things that are in my life, I find myself so blessed by all of the people around me.

I have a family that loves and supports me.

A church family, that blesses me each week with their love and the opportunity to play my music somewhere

And above all else, a God that has looked out for me throughout so many different stages in my life.

No matter what else I say, I am truly a blessed and lucky man.

What Am I Even Doing Here?

So, I’ve been trying this blogging thing on and off for most of the past five years. I keep telling myself that I’ll take it more seriously this time. That I’ll make sure to take the time to write more often. That I’ll write at least a little something each day, even if I don’t post everything. But I’ve never been able to keep it up for very long. Then after a little while, I’ll realize that I haven’t written anything in a long time and that I probably should do that.

I don’t really know why I feel such a strong desire to write. I guess in some ways, I always have. I can remember writing things as a teen. I’m sure none of them were really any good. But I can remember having this strong desire to be writing something.

No matter what else I thought I would do in my life for work, I always wanted to be writing something for fun. That was almost always a major part of my plans for the future. Whether I was going to be an architect, or an NBA player (yeah, I know, like a 6 foot white guy would ever have a chance), or whatever other thing I was dreaming about at the time. Writing was always there.

A lot of the writing was focused on songwriting. But even when I wanted to be a full-time musician, I always wanted to write fiction or books of some kind.

Then I went to college and tried to become a civil engineer. Luckily I got weeded out by the freshmen weeding out class. Sad thing is that was one of only two classes I passed that first semester.

What was I doing that took all my time and attention away from school?

You may have guessed it already.

Soon after starting classes I realized I was not cut out to be an engineer. And lucky for me I had just gotten a guitar for my 18th birthday. So, much to my roommates frustration I’m sure, I spent almost every waking hour hunched over my guitar playing and writing music.

Then I dropped out and took a semester off, before going on to MidAmerica and studying music. I figured if I was going to be spending all my time on it anyway, I might as well get something out of it.

Then I felt a desire to write more creatively. So, I looked into getting an English degree. But, sadly, MidAmerica didn’t really have anything like that. So, I ended up do more a journalism type writing thing. Which I quickly learned was not what I was looking for.

It was around then that I kind of had a mental break. I think now part of it had to do with the fact that I was in school to get these degrees, and I couldn’t figure out how they were going to help me do the only thing I really wanted and felt I should be doing. Writing and singing.

Of course, now that I’m 33 and pretty much unemployable because I don’t have a degree, I really wish I had just stuck it out and gotten a degree in something.

Five years ago, when Max was born, and we decided that I would stay home and take care of him, I figured that I would have all this time to write and try to record some music. But, as most people who takes care of  kids can tell you, there never seems to be enough time in the day for things that need to get done. Let alone the dreams you want to get done.

So, for the most part, I’ve let this whole blogging and music thing really go. I never really meant to. But I have.

Now I’m really feeling the need to bring a little money into the family, and really wishing that I had taken the time to really develop this whole music and writing thing as some kind of career.

Recently I’ve been getting back into playing music through being able to play in my church. It’s been great. But it’s been awaking this thing inside of me that believes that this is what I should be doing for a living. Unfortunately, no one is really paying random people to give their random opinion on random topics at random intervals. So, I have no idea how to make this whole thing work. But I think I’m going to give this another try.

If you happen to know of anyone who wants to pay me for doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do, let me know. I’d be happy to take some money from a rich investor that wants to give me some to do this.

Playing Dress Up

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Not really sure why. I just know that I haven’t taken the time to do it. I’ve had many ideas. But have been a little low on the motivation.

But anyway…

Today, Chloe was watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, and they were having a dress up day. This brought an idea to me that I knew I needed to get down.

As they were talking about what they wanted to dress up as, I realized that is what I feel I do everyday.

I dress up as a responsible adult.

I dress up as a good parent.

I dress up as someone who has it together.

I dress up as a good Christian.

I dress up as a functioning member of society.

I’m not saying that I’m not some of those things sometimes. But I try to put on this costume and make people think that I am all of these things all the time. When the reality of it is that most of the time I’m just a broken person trying to hold it all together.

I don’t have the answers to any of life’s questions. Yet I try to give my kids the impression that I do.

I’m not a good Christian all the time. But yet I try to show those around me that I am. And that I never have any doubts. That I have always known exactly what to believe and what to do with my life.

I’ve tried to tell people that I’m a writer or a musician. But until recently, I hadn’t touched my guitar in months. And as you can probably guess from the lack of posts on here, I haven’t written anything in a long time too.

I’ve heard people say that you should fake it till you make it. Or that you should dress for the job you want not the job you have. But none of that really makes sense anymore.

I want to stop putting on a costume and become the person I should be. Dress up is great when you’re a kid and you can be anything you want in your mind. But maybe there comes a time when we should take off the masks and show people the broken pieces of our lives.

I think if we did that, we would find that everyone around us is wearing a mask as well.