I am an addict...

Hi. My name is Geoff, and I am an addict. I’ve come to this realization recently that I truly am an addict. The real problem with this, is that the things I’m addicted to are all legal and excepted in culture. I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I’m addicted to food and soda.

But the realization I’ve come to lately is that as surely and a crack addict is killing himself with his addiction, I am killing myself with mine.

I ended up in the hospital last night for around four hours with what turned out to be  gallstones. I’m not sure how much of this has to do with my weight and eating habits. But I do know that everything they told me not to eat is basically a list of the things that I eat on a daily basis.

Now as I sit here in some pain having no idea what I can eat I realize that I truly was eating myself to death. I’ve let myself go completely lately. I weigh 390 pounds and can honestly say that I’m disgusted with that number. I can’t believe that I’ve let myself get to this point.

The only explanation that I really have is that I really am addicted to food. I have chosen to eat whatever I want no matter the results. I have gained an amazing amount of weight just in the last little while. I truly don’t know how I got here.

Last night as I laid in the hospital bed, I realized just how bad I had let things get. And how close I’ve come to losing it all. I saw myself helpless in a hospital undergoing tests. It scared me so much.

Than the doctor came in and while telling me that I’ll have to have surgery, he told me that my weight will make that a problem. So, for right now I have to go check in with the surgeon this next week. And I have to start a list of the foods that I can safely eat. So far, in the last 24 hours, I’ve had a tortilla and some applesauce. Plus a lot of water.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Everything that I normally eat is now off limits. I now have to find new foods that don’t hurt me. I have to find some way to lose weight. But I still need to do it safely. I don’t want to just lose weight cause I’m not eating anything. But at this point I’m not sure what I’m going to eat.

Which brings me back around to my addiction. I’m addicted to foods that are hurting me, and yet all I want to do is eat those food and drown my sorrows in a big plate of something. But I know that I can’t. I have too many reasons to live for. And I’m not ready to give up on it.Hi. My name is Geoff, and I am an addict. I’ve come to this realization recently that I truly am an addict. The real problem with this, is that the things I’m addicted to are all legal and excepted in culture. I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I’m addicted to food and soda.

But the realization I’ve come to lately is that as surely and a crack addict is killing himself with his addiction, I am killing myself with mine.

I ended up in the hospital last night for around four hours with what turned out to be  gallstones. I’m not sure how much of this has to do with my weight and eating habits. But I do know that everything they told me not to eat is basically a list of the things that I eat on a daily basis.

Now as I sit here in some pain having no idea what I can eat I realize that I truly was eating myself to death. I’ve let myself go completely lately. I weigh 390 pounds and can honestly say that I’m disgusted with that number. I can’t believe that I’ve let myself get to this point.

The only explanation that I really have is that I really am addicted to food. I have chosen to eat whatever I want no matter the results. I have gained an amazing amount of weight just in the last little while. I truly don’t know how I got here.

Last night as I laid in the hospital bed, I realized just how bad I had let things get. And how close I’ve come to losing it all. I saw myself helpless in a hospital undergoing tests. It scared me so much.

Than the doctor came in and while telling me that I’ll have to have surgery, he told me that my weight will make that a problem. So, for right now I have to go check in with the surgeon this next week. And I have to start a list of the foods that I can safely eat. So far, in the last 24 hours, I’ve had a tortilla and some applesauce. Plus a lot of water.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Everything that I normally eat is now off limits. I now have to find new foods that don’t hurt me. I have to find some way to lose weight. But I still need to do it safely. I don’t want to just lose weight cause I’m not eating anything. But at this point I’m not sure what I’m going to eat.

Which brings me back around to my addiction. I’m addicted to foods that are hurting me, and yet all I want to do is eat those food and drown my sorrows in a big plate of something. But I know that I can’t. I have too many reasons to live for. And I’m not ready to give up on it.

The Darkness

The darkness is coming. I can feel it building up inside of me. After a long week of being sick, I forgot to take my pills this morning, and I can feel it rising in me.
It doesn’t help that I’m waiting to hear on a job interview I had last weekend. It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick most of the week. It doesn’t help that the kids seem to be going crazy too. But I can feel it building.
Just this nagging feeling inside of me. This urge to run away. To hide. To escape this chaos.
My head is pounding and the pressure is rising.
Not sure what to do anymore.
I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to the store. But instead I’m sitting on my bed nearly in tears. It’s all I can do to finish getting dressed and go back out the door. It’s all I can do to walk back out into the land of screaming kids and tired frustrated parents that has been my house lately.
It’s at this moment that it dawns on me that I haven’t taken my pills yet. It’s 5:00 pm. Probably should do that.
Maybe that’ll help.
Maybe not.
All I know is that I’ve got to try.
It’s hard for me to face somedays.
It’s hard for me to open my eyes sometimes.
But there’s a Spider-Man out there that’s calling for his monster or his Superman, depending on his mood.
There’s a princess calling for her knight.
There’s a beautiful wife waiting for her husband.
So, I try my best.
Some days that’s not very good.
Most days lately it hasn’t been worth much.
But I’m trying.
And that’s all I have to give.